Archive for January, 2011

Withdraw

Posted January 11, 2011 By kmarrs

I’ve been pretty sick today and yesterday. I, unfortunately, had to call off work today. I can barely sit up much less be on my feet.

I know it’s the Geodon withdraw. It feels like Geodon withdraw.

I’d been breezing through getting off it no problems at all. But I completely missed all of it for the first time Sunday night and Monday morning I work up so sick.

I’m shaky. Sweaty. Cold. Dizzy. My digestive track is all messed up. I wouldn’t really call me nauseous but I have to be careful what I eat, how much and when.

I’m terrified work will think I’m calling off with morning sickness. And I really don’t feel like getting into what’s really wrong. So all I can do is hope I’m better after a few days, which I will be, and then drag myself back to work.

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Torn

Posted January 8, 2011 By kmarrs

Guys, I don’t know what to do about this whole job thing.

To me, it is tacky and unprofessional to job hunt while pregnant.

I don’t know that I can mentally and physically handle 8-12 more months where I’m at. I hate cashiering. And my body can’t seem to handle it. I can’t continue to stay on fast lanes forever. At some point, I’m going to have to just submit to the pain and learn to live with it. Even when my shoulder isn’t bothering, cashiering hurts my back something fierce. And I don’t have the luxury of living on Ibuprofen at the moment. My body simply can’t handle my job. And my mental health is taking a beating as well.

At the same time, I know that if I stay where I’m at I will have a job to return to (legally) after my 6-week leave is up. I might even have a bit of a paid leave depending on if childbirth and recovery counts as short term disability.

My boss when I worked for circuit city and was pregnant with Thomas gloated to my face that she didn’t have to hold my position for me. Then about 3 months before he was born the company policy changed in my favor and my job was safe. And it turned out there was a manager wide countdown (and an official happy dance) of how many days until I was back because they all missed me and my hard work so much. But that original gloat is stuck in my memory.

Sure some companies are great. With my last job when I went on leave to give birth to Luke there was no question as to whether my job was safe. My boss saw it as just one less person to have to find hours for during the dead months of January and February. When my 6 weeks were up she welcomed me back with open arms and I was good to go. Legally she didn’t have to do that. But there was never any doubt. That’s why I felt so safe in trying for Luke even though I knew I would be outside of FMLA.

This bank job I’m going for could go either way.

I’m so tempted to be upfront “Look, I’m pregnant and I still want this job. But please don’t hire me if you aren’t going to keep me through my leave. That’s ok with me. I can try again in 9 months.”

No matter what I can try for this bank gig in 9 months. The question is where to work in the meantime.

And even if I get a bank job and they don’t keep me after my leave at least it will be 8 months of banking experience I can put on my resume. That will be a plus.

And I’m ok with job hunting through my maternity leave.

The fear is not finding a job in those 6 weeks and having to take a longer leave with no income and 3 kids.

Where I’m at is safe. It’s a guarantee.

Just to cover my bases I did ask about transferring to a different department. Currently, there are no appropriate openings in the store (I’m not able to do 3rd shift stocking because of the heavy lifting and I refuse to work in the deli with the meat.)

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is best for me. I could really use some advice.

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Sleep

Posted January 7, 2011 By kmarrs

In recent times I’ve looked forward to bedtime. Curling up in my nice warm bed, wrapping my comforter around me. And drifting off into a Lunesta induced slumber.

Of all the meds I’m giving up, Lunesta (and ok, Ibuprofen) is the one I miss the most.

I’ve cut out most caffeine. I’m sticking to my bedtime. I’m hoping I can train myself to fall asleep without the meds.

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BPD, Meds and Pregnancy

Posted January 5, 2011 By kmarrs

I have already written about pregnancy and BPD but I need to touch on a specific of it.

Bottom line I have to give up my meds while pregnant.

I’ll let that sink in.

Geodon, the antipsychotic, is a no choice. It can do serious damage to an unborn baby. I am going through the process of weaning myself off it now. I was at 200mg, I spent 2 days at 160mg, now I’m down to 120mg, and you get the idea. So far I’m getting off it without much problem. Normally I go through really bad withdraw. I don’t know why I’m not now. My only guess is that my body chemistry is currently so fucked up as it is, my body isn’t noticing the removal of the Geodon.

The Cymbalta and Trileptal are risk versus benefit. There is limited knowledge as to the long term effects on these meds on unborn babies. There is some risk but if the benefits of the meds outweigh the risks of taking it, then you take it. If the risk is greater, you don’t. I am fully off both of these already.

I am very lucky that I’m stable while pregnant even when off my meds. Granted I’m hormonal. But that is natural to being pregnant.

So then what will I miss? My Lunesta. Like the Cymbalta and Trileptal, it is unknown and risk versus benefit. Last night when I couldn’t sleep and knew I had to be up earlier than usual, I took one. Tonight I most likely won’t. Same with tomorrow. I am hoping, but not counting on, my OBGYN telling me of something I can take while pregnant to help me sleep. It would be nice but I won’t hide my breath. So I guess I have the next 8 months to get used to not sleeping because once this baby is born I won’t be getting much sleep anyways.

So the moral of this story is, really there are few medications out there that a pregnant lady is safe to take, and most mental health meds don’t make that list. And for some of you, that makes for a long 9 months. (Plus however long you breastfeed.)

In closing, here is the plan. I’m great mental health wise from the time I get knocked up until about 6 months postpartum (when postpartum depression hits). So I breastfeed, if I breastfeed, for 2 weeks then get back on the meds and adjusted to them before I’m back to work (6 weeks out) and before my 6 months out depression kicks in.

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Baby Watch 2011

Posted January 4, 2011 By kmarrs

Guys, my first impulse is to create a new blog so I can blog about this pregnancy there. That way if you want to read about it, oh look there it is. But it won’t be clogging up a blog about BPD.

So I went with that impulse. Impulse control, I has none. =P So here it is.

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This Is Funny

Posted January 4, 2011 By kmarrs

I forgot Thomas named one of the not a koi, Charley Brown. So for those of you keeping track, we have the koi Charley, the snail Charleytoo, the not a koi Charley Brown and the not a koi Max.

In February we get the snail Charleyalso, then March Charleymaybe. and April Charleysometimes.

In addition to Tiny Rat who use to be Max but is now Lucky.

And yes, Tiny Rat has met Tiny Cat. They will be kept apart.

Everything is either Tiny, Charley, or Max around here.

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