Archive for November, 2010

Hey this is just another quick note/reminder.

The interview is coming along and I expect to be able to post it next Wednesday. If you have any questions you would like me to ask, please speak up. I have included in the ones you have asked me to so far. If there are any more, speak now or forever hold your peace.

As for me and my BPD, I am doing ok.

I’m really stressed with the holiday season, both working it and affording it. I’m working 9.5 hour days here and there, and getting over time. Which is making affording it easier, but it takes its toll on me. I’m actually looking forward to job hunting in January. New year, new job. I hope. Either way, the prospects of a new career are keeping me going.

Depression wise, I’m a little down. It’s mostly the stress I mentioned and also my shoulder. It’s hard to not be depressed when you are in pain.

Rage wise, I’m about as stable as I get. I do my share of yelling, but I’m a loud vocal person. It’s just how I am. My therapist and I call them mini rages. I’m just loud. There is no violence or threats of violence. All bark, no bite. Not too bad.

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This ‘N’ That

Posted November 24, 2010 By kmarrs

Today’s will be short. I’m too tired to write much.

I have come to the realization I don’t know how to apply for a bank job. I’m going to have to talk to the girls at the bank at work more in-depth after the holiday season. I’m also going to have to polish up my resume. I’m going to need a fancy shmancy cover letter that grabs attention. I’ve had sentences for it run through my head. At some point I’ll get it down on paper. But not tonight. Tonight I sleep.

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday. My shoulder still hurts, but admittedly not as bad as it did. The pain isn’t spreading like it did. I mean it is a little. When it’s getting bad it spreads to my other shoulder and up my neck, but it’s no longer down my arm and into my chest. We’ll see what the doctor says.

I think that’s it for tonight. I really want to go to sleep.

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30 Days of the Truth: Day 9

Posted November 23, 2010 By kmarrs

I stole this from here. I’m not going to be able to strictly follow their schedule. I already missed the first few days and they are off schedule themselves, for that matter. But I like the idea so I’m going to give it a go.

The idea is that every Monday and Wednesday, though I already have a regular post Wednesdays so we’ll say Friday, you go through the topics and post the truth about yourself. So here we go.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Someone I didn’t want to let go but just drifted?

I have two answers for this.

First one that comes to mind is Stacy. I’m not entirely sure if I’m speaking to her right now. The whole thing where she was maybe going to date my husband a few months back kinda still has my feathers ruffled. I think mostly because I feel she should have been on my side and refused even the possibility. But instead, she hinted she’d play hard to get.

At the same time, it’s not unusual for us to go a few months without contact just because we are both so busy. This could be the final drift away, or she’ll drift right back. I’m not sure. The ball is in her court.

My second answer is Marcus. He was my gay guy friend, that every girl needs, from high school. We use to be on myspace together and check in from time to time but then he left myspace because of drama and I left myspace because it’s myspace and I haven’t heard from him since. Maybe I’ll look him up on facebook. I should do that.

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I Have Found My Hope

Posted November 22, 2010 By kmarrs

So there are things in the world, jobs really, that I have secretly wanted to do for a while.

For the longest time, most of my teenage years, I wanted to be Elliot from just shoot me. A photographer. Portraits, mostly. I’ve given up on that paying the bills so I moved on.

But in the process, I lost hope. I didn’t know what to be. I took a job at a grocery store, a job I hate, and I settled in. Bills were getting paid and all, but I was far from happy.

Almost just as importantly I lost sight of what to go to school for. I mean I always had the business management part down, but that’s a given. No matter what I do, I want to manage.

Fresh out of high school I was going to school for computer programming. It isn’t that it was a passion or that I was very good with it, I just figured with time and practice I could learn to pay the bills with it. But I knew better and quickly dropped out of college. I wasn’t going to waste time or money.

This most recent attempt at school was for small business management and photography. The passion was there but the money kept being a problem. Once I got the money lined up, I stopped working at the camera store. Around that time I admitted to myself photography would never pay the bills so I decided I wasn’t going to waste money on a photography degree.

This all left me empty inside. Just drifting along. No goals in sight and a grueling job. Sure I had short term goals for the grocery store, but as previously posted, unless I sacrifice my OCD bagging for speed, promotions aren’t in my future.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. What do I what to do with my life?

So there are things in the world, jobs really, that I have secretly wanted to do for a while.

Through my adult years, I’ve toyed with quite a few, but the biggest is the idea of being a banker. I’d start as a teller and who knows where I’d end up. This wouldn’t just be a job, this would be a career I could brag about.

But surely working in a bank requires education beyond high school and a couple of college classes.

Funny thing that. See for the past week and a half I’ve been working fast lane 2 because of my shoulder. I’m literally 2 feet, maybe 3, from a bank branch. Today curiosity got the better of me and I asked one of the glamorous ladies working there what kind of education you need to be a bank teller.

High school diploma.

I have one of those!

Pat wants me to start job hunting after the holiday season. Now I know what I’m hunting for!

And the best part: I’ve been toying with getting a college degree in math. Plain basic, I’m really fucking good at it, math. But I didn’t see it as practical. I didn’t see how I’d use it towards a career.

So I start as a teller with just a hs diploma, I get my math degree and who knows where I end up.

Hope. I’m no longer aimlessly roaming through life.

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I’m A Little Upset

Posted November 21, 2010 By kmarrs

We all know I don’t particularly care for my job. But I know I’m stuck there for a while. Let’s be honest, it’s good hours with good money. I’m not overly qualified for much, so this is where I’m at and where I’ll be.

So I’m looking at where I can possibly grow in the company. I’m looking at the service desk, lead cashier and team leader. I know I’m a ways away from most of that, but the service desk is a good immediate goal.

So I told my boss I was interested.

She told me there wasn’t a position currently open, I knew that, but that there would be a posting on the board when there was. I said ok and left it at that.

Yesterday I walked into work to discover one of the newer cashiers is now working the service desk.

No posting, no nothing. The managers asked her to go there and she agreed.

I talked to one of the team leaders about it and found out I wasn’t even considered because I have been given corrective action and haven’t followed through.

Ok, let’s look at this.

I’m slow. Not overly slow but I’m supposed to be at 95% and I’m stuck at 90%. So yes, I’m slow. I’ve been coached on how to improve my score and I’m doing my best to follow the advice, but I’m still slow.

Why am I slow?

I pay attention to how I bag. I don’t put eggs and bread with canned goods. Something I’m proud of. But my careful bagging slows me down.

I leave customers happy. I’m constantly being complimented on how I bag.

But I’m slow.

So I’m not eligible for a promotion.

Oh, and fyi, most grocery stores, don’t time you. According to the New York Times, the store I work at is unique in doing that and it’s not looked at as a good thing.

Fast and sloppy or slow and cautious.

I’m slow.

If I didn’t have a family depending on me, I wouldn’t bother going back.

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30 Days of the Truth: Day 8

Posted November 19, 2010 By kmarrs

I stole this from here. I’m not going to be able to strictly follow their schedule. I already missed the first few days and they are off schedule themselves, for that matter. But I like the idea so I’m going to give it a go.

The idea is that every Monday and Wednesday, though I already have a regular post Wednesdays so we’ll say Friday, you go through the topics and post the truth about yourself. So here we go.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Someone who made my life hell or treated me like shit? Well, I’ve already recently blogged about my old circuit city boss. So let’s move on.

The problem is, I don’t really have an answer for this. I mean sure, I have an ex who didn’t take the breakup well. And he didn’t treat me the best in the relationship. But I wouldn’t go as far as saying my life was hell or I was treated like shit. Pat might, but I wouldn’t. I also have a former fling who got it in his head I should hate him so he did his best to make me hate him. But he was more annoying than hell worthy. Not even the former circuit city boss fits into this. She was more immature than anything else. You’ll have that. It’s sad really.

I guess my best answer isn’t a person but more people at a place. High school was tough on me. I was different (goth) but not popular enough to hang with the goth crowd. So I was mostly on my own. I mean I had friends here and there, but I was by no means popular enough to avoid having people spit at my feet or declare me a member of the trench coat mafia.

Then in middle school, pre-goth days but still unpopular, there was the group of girls who took it upon themselves to kick me, pinch me, and pull my hair as we walked the halls.

So I guess my answer is school. Not exactly what the question intended but it works, right?

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