Archive for October, 2010

30 Days of the Truth: Day 2

Posted October 29, 2010 By kmarrs

I stole this from here. I’m not going to be able to strictly follow their schedule. I already missed the first few days and they are off schedule themselves, for that matter. But I like the idea so I’m going to give it a go.

The idea is that every Monday and Wednesday, though I already have a regular post Wednesdays so we’ll say Friday, you go through the topics and post the truth about yourself. So here we go.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Something I love about myself. I use to love my work ethic. I knew missing a day of work was losing a package of diapers or a tank of gas or both. This entry has me thinking back to when that changed. And I think it changed with my last job. At the camera store if I so much as coughed I was sent home sick. No way to argue it, I was going home. Pat though, would argue it chyanged when I found out I had BPD. It’s like I gave up. I say that’s because I found out I was terminal. Pat argues I need to look up the definition of terminal. I argue back I’m not the first nor will I be the last to declare BPD terminal. Lord knows that’s how it feels.

Either way, I no longer love my work ethic. It’s become weak and shattered. Granted my last 1.5 days of missing work, there was actual vomiting involved. I should have pushed through. I wasn’t in the bathroom every 5 minutes. I could have made it.

I actually told Pat last night I was working more hours than my mental health could handle. Now in fairness, half of that is because of the degree in which I despise my job. Which I only despise because I loved my last 2 jobs, so in comparison it is the epitome of evil. But still, how weak have I become?

Wow this is going down the slope of what do I hate about myself. I should have thought of this for day 1. Am I right?

So what do I love about myself? I guess I love my drive. Once I set out to accomplish something, be it for good or evil, I get it done. I just have to convince myself that I want something, and it’s mine. And that is that. I wish I could think of examples but I don’t have any. Pat could probably list a few dozen, but this isn’t his post.

Wow the hate was longer than the love. That is ten kinds of messed up. But, there is more love coming on day 30. So this will be all for now.

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I Need A Real Vacation

Posted October 27, 2010 By kmarrs

I caught myself telling my 2 year old that I’d already given him a hug, while tucking him in. I know he was just stalling but in a year I’ll be begging for hugs. So I quickly apologized and open my arms for another hug.

We are getting debt collection calls for a credit card we paid off in full 2 years ago. We have the full credit report proving it and everything. I thought we were done with these calls. Credit cards pave the path to hell.

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So, we meet again. I can’t currently think of a topic, but this one fact comes to mind.

I’ve been doing some reading and it has come to light that Cymbalta is a known cause of weird dreams and nightmares. Huh. And I thought my sleep meds got all the blame.

Don’t get me wrong, my sleep meds are just as guilty, because I didn’t have these dreams before them. But the Cymbalta is food for the fire, I guess. And it explains why I have the dreams even when I haven’t taken the sleep meds for a few days.

The dreams themselves are fine. I enjoy them, they make for late night entertainment, and they really are kinda fun.

It’s the half awake, half asleep just waking up in the morning dreams that are getting me. I usually can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep. I think I’m actually awake and doing things. I even have evidence I’m awake. I mean I’m awake enough to follow along with what’s going on upstairs above me. But apparently I’m still sound asleep.

For example, this morning Tiny Cat pounced my legs. I could hear Pat and Luke arguing over going potty above me so I knew I wasn’t sound asleep. I could feel Tiny Cat’s claws in my leg. I sat up, I gathered her up, I swung my legs out of bed and I couldn’t walk. Oh crap, I can never walk when I’m really still sleeping. That was enough to jar me for real awake and upstairs I went. The basement door had been shut and Tiny Cat was on the other side. I really had dreamed every second of it.

So yes, BPD meds lead to some really weird dreams.

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Fast Lane Funnies

Posted October 27, 2010 By kmarrs

I worked fast lanes (self scan) last night and had the following 2 encounters. Actually there were more than just this but the rest were more annoying, these two made my night.

Women have this thing where the cuter a baby or young child is the more they want top nom, nibble or indeed swallow the child whole. Please note not all men understand this and most get kinda disturbed if they realize you want to eat their young.

Me to little girl with sparkly shoes: I like your shoes!
Little girl: Thank you they are called twinkle toes!
Me to her father: Did she just say twinkle toes?
Father: She did. That’s what she calls them.
Me: Sir, she is so cute I could eat her alive.
Father: I have to agree with you.

Made my night!

A little old man was using one of the self scans. Please note, this is rarely a match made in heaven. I was standing close enough to him that I could be of service when and if he needed me, though he didn’t know I was there. So I catch him hit the help button once (which takes you to a new screen where 1 button allows us to log in, a second button allows them to turn their light red so we know they need help). Anyway he hits it once, but not so that it calls me over, and then he immediately leans over so that is mouth is right against the speakers on the monitor and shouts, I need help. I of course went and had to work very hard at controlling my laughter. But hey, he gets points for trying the self scan.

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30 Days of the Truth: Day 1.

Posted October 25, 2010 By kmarrs

I stole this from here. I’m not going to be able to strictly follow their schedule. I already missed the first few days and they are off schedule themselves, for that matter. But I like the idea so I’m going to give it a go.

The idea is that every Monday and Wednesday, though I already have a regular post Wednesdays so we’ll say Friday, you go through the topics and post the truth about yourself. So here we go.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

This is a hard one for me. I mean I use to hate my size, but I’ve finally come to terms with it. I have a full wardrobe that fits me and I love the clothes in it, so that has helped me to come to terms with my current size. I’m not that fat but I am curvy and I like being curvy so go team me.

I guess there are a few random things I dislike about my appearance. I’m always breaking out, etc etc etc. But I don’t hate anything of those things. So that pretty much leaves out the physical. So we are left with the mental.

Which of course takes us to the obvious: mental health. I guess I do hate having BPD. I’ll be honest, part of me doesn’t because I don’t think I’d have my fabulous husband and 2 wonderful kids without it. I would have finished college, started a career, gotten married, had kids and that would be amazing and the correct things to do. But be it as it may, I’m kinda attached to my family.

But for the sake of this post, I’ll go ahead and admit it: I hate having borderline personality disorder.

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Our Zoo

Posted October 25, 2010 By kmarrs

Pet photography is not my specialty. Especially when there are cages and aquariums in the way. Add in the fact I’m tired and not putting my full effort into it.. these aren’t the best.


This, as you may know, is tiny cat. What you may not know, is that this is how she spends half her day: on her back in daddy’s arms. When she isn’t here, she is curled up under one of his feet.


These are the boys. In the back you have Larry, middle you have Imp, and front you have Harry. Larry is kinda blurry. My depth of field wasn’t the best. Just be happy it wasn’t the cage in focus and all 3 rats blurry.


This is Squirt. Squirt is a slider turtle. He use to have a friend in there with him but the friend, a painted turtle, was trying to eat him. So the friend had to go. Squirt on the other hand is fairly sweet and will let you touch him as long as he doesn’t think your wiggly finger is a worm. Yes, he has the capabilities of biting it off. Squirt may or may not have eaten his fair share of pet fish that were dying.

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