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Paths and Decisions

I’m working weird hours these days. And my schedule is always changing. One week, I’ll be working mostly 10am to 6:30pm and the next it’s 4:15pm to 12:30am. This week it’s the 4:15-12:30. Next week it’ll be 2:30pm to 9pm, or something else completely different from this week.

I get it, I had to keep my availability open to have my full-time hours. And this is what comes with an open availability in a store that’s open 24hours.

But part of my BPD means I’m like a child in a lot of ways. And as a child, I crave a set schedule. Not only that but I’ve been fighting to get on a sleep schedule and I can’t do this if I’m working past my pre-determined bedtime. I’m still sticking to the bedtime when I can. I need to. But work is making it hard.

As much as my other job wasn’t good for me in the sense that I was getting bored and I had no hours, I have to give them credit in one area; I had a set schedule. Friday 10-3, Saturday 11-5, Sunday 12-4. It was impossible to support my family with that schedule, but it was healthier for me.

I think what I’m going to have to do eventually, is change my availability to where I can’t work past 9. That has me in bed by 11. I’m just worried I’ll lose my hours.

So maybe I should be job hunting. I mean, I don’t exactly like my job. I mean it’s a job and the pay is kinda decent considering what I’m doing. It requires no brain but I’m making almost 8$ an hour. And ok, I know 8$ and hour kinda sucks, but that’s good for retail. And I know I need to get out of the retail hole, or at least get myself back into management. But I honestly don’t know where to turn. I’m just kinda stuck.

I’m facing the fact that my current career goal is going to be remaining a hobby, so it seems, but I don’t know what plan B is. What should I be trying to do in school? I mean I want to go for small business management and photography, and the business side of that is still a good goal, but photography won’t pay my bills. There are too many of us out there struggling to be something. It would be one thing if Pat made enough to where he was the main financial backbone of the household and my hobby could just help pitch in. But he isn’t. So I have to be.

And that’s fine. I knew what I was getting myself into before we even started dating. But I kinda wish I had known then what I know now. I wouldn’t change my mind. I mean I’d still have Pat as my husband and my kids, but wow I don’t really know how to finish that statement.

I was in school, college, when I started things with Pat. Or rather I was about to start college. When things got serious I was officially in college. After about a month I dropped out. I don’t think I was ready for it. Like now, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. So I put growing up on hold. Then I got pregnant. And as my mom hates knowing, my pregnancy wasn’t an accident. But in some respects that forced me to grow up. I started working full-time for circuit city. I got benefits. Within a year of dating Pat I got married and had a kid.

Real grown up.

But I still didn’t know what I wanted to be. I’ve drifted from one retail job to another. I’ve even been in a management position twice now. But for various reasons, I’ve had to move on each time.

I think if I had to do things differently, I would have waited. I still would have dated Pat but he didn’t get to see my BPD at it’s worse before he married me. And I would have waited to have the kids. I hate saying that because my kids are my life. At any age or stage in life I could have had kids, but they wouldn’t be the kids I have now.

I don’t regret the kids or the marriage. But if I had been truly grown up I would have waited.

Now, 8 years later I’m stuck working full-time in a dead end job I hate (there I said it) struggling to go back to school, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. And none of the choices I’ve made on this path I took, are making that any easier.

Wow, this post did not go as intended. It was originally a “This ‘N’ That”. Oh well, I’ll leave it be.

On a side note, let’s play a game: How many times did I contradict myself in this post? I count at least once.

2 Comments

  1. Comment by Anonymous:

    teleperformance. call center [not telemarketing] tech support pays 10.50, customer service pays 9. and they will give you full time. It's not great but you get a set schedule and reliable hours.

  2. Comment by Walkingborder (Karen):

    I've considered that, but I haven't heard the best things about them. That and I hate talking on the phone. I have to be able to pace if I'm on the phone as well.

    As much as I hate my job, I work for a good company and for good people.

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