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Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Ok I’m really behind here.

Today we are going to talk paperwork.

Here is the deal, as many of you know, I’m on the government’s insurance. This insurance, and I’m sure other insurance, requires bi-yearly updates on how the therapy process is going. They want to know what I’ve achieved, my goals, and what I plan to do how to achieve my goals.

Personally, I hate this paperwork. I strongly feel that while there is a common goal, get better, sometimes there are millions of mini goals that come up along the way., They can’t always be defined. And you don’t always know about them until the pass. They can be anything from effectively getting laundry done, to accepting your gender or sexual orientation. (Only one of those is my goal. I borrowed from things I’ve read.) I, for example, didn’t know it was a goal to identify my children’s feelings until I was in the midst of learning it and doing it. It just sorta happened. And yet just 15 minutes ago I found myself rocking my 2 year old telling him he must be sad and angry but that he needed to take a quick nap and THEN he could play with the new toy he just inherited from his brother. I don’t know if it was the rocking or the feeling identification, but he settled down and went to sleep.

I also hate the paperwork because I’m not good at articulating myself all the time. I fumble for words and with words quite a bit. You should see me try and write a blog post. There is a lot of deleting and rewriting unless I’ve planned it out in my head in advance and then sit down at the computer.

Finally, there is the paperwork I hate beyond the goals and steps… The dread rate this and that and everything in your life. How happy are you about where you live, your job and your income? How lonely are you? Sad? Angry? Fucked up? (Ok, that last one isn’t an actual question but you know that’s what it’s getting at.)

So how did I answer all this?

Well my goal is to reach a point of stability where I have the energy and motivation to get through life. That’s been my goal 3 times in a row now. And I’m getting closer, but I’m not there yet. I dread having to come up with a new goal to be honest, it took me so long to come up with that one.

I don’t remember what evidence of progress I had. And I don’t remember all the steps I outlined I would take. I do remember reading more was one of them. It soothes me and calms me, so it’s a good step towards stability. In times past, photography has been a big one. But I’m calming down on that some.

Mostly my therapist and I bullshited our way through it. We both equally hate the paperwork. And we both agree it’s none of caresource’s business what goes on behind our closed door, they just need to know enough to keep them footing the bill.

So what kind of evil paperwork do you have to go through to stay in therapy?

2 Comments

  1. Comment by Trish Austin:

    We have new insurance with Aetna. They want everything documented by my pdoc about my meds.. Like they need proof, I've been taking the stuff for years etc.. And, the clinic I go to doesn't take insurance/our insurance doesn't allow much for therapy. So, paperwork = bill paying. I hate it. I'm spending my kids college money on my therapy etc..

  2. Comment by Sid:

    I have pretty much the same paperwork, they call it a treatment plan, but I think it's just something required by the clinic I go to, not Medicare or Medicaid. I used to try to come up with goals, but they never seemed to think mine were acceptable and I'm so past caring any more that I just leave it up to my therapist to write whatever she wants to write.

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