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Alcohol

A few of the blogs I follow are written by recovering alcoholics and those trying to escape the urge to numb their feelings with a glass of whatever. That and these girls, like me, are on meds that don’t mix well with alcohol.

Poor Sandy, last night she fought the urge for “just one glass” for the better part of the evening. Kaley got into a lot of trouble with her drinking awhile back and got a couple of DUIs. And Jennifer is going to have to face AA meetings to get into her mental health treatment facility.

This makes me think about myself and my drinking.

Back before Luke was in my life, back when Pat and I were separated and Andrew was an issue, alcohol and I had a bit of a fling on the side. I wanted to feel numb, alcohol got me there. This was before I knew I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Back before I knew I had an addictive personality. I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic. I mean, I didn’t drink every night. I was able to stop without issue when I wanted to stop. But I was in a world of hurt and I wanted the booze to numb me. I know, wrong reason to drink.

So flash forward to today.

Do I still drink? Yes; on occasion. But for a different set of reasons. At first I limited it to social drinking with Stacy and such, but quickly realized I was drinking too much in one sitting. Acid reflux kicked in and kicked my ass. Nothing worse than puking up alcohol.

So now? A glass, a single glass, here and there. Never to numb. Never because I’m an emotional mess. My last two alcoholic beverages (different nights) were frozen drinks to help cool me off when I was over heated. I knew I was emotionally fine. I knew I wasn’t drinking enough to throw up. They were just frozen treats to help lower my body temperature.

I don’t drink often. Our current bottle of rum, I haven’t touched and I don’t plan to. I don’t have anything to mix it with. I don’t plan to have anything to mix it with. It won’t be touched by me. The bottle of TGI Friday’s pina colada mix lasted me all summer and I shared it. I didn’t even buy it for myself. My dad bought it to surprise me on a holiday weekend. Otherwise it wouldn’t have even been in the house.

So what about booze and my meds? Booze and meds don’t mix. I don’t take my meds when I’ve been drinking. Well, I still take my Geodon because I can’t miss that one without getting sick, but I don’t take anything else.

I like to think that alcohol and I have a healthy relationship. Maybe I’m wrong. I know my meds doctor doesn’t want me drinking at all. But it’s hard telling if that’s a me specific thing or if in general she’s just worried about her BPD patient’s addictive personality kicking in. My bet is it’s just worry about how alcohol and meds mix. I’m sure she doesn’t want me missing a night of meds just to drink.

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