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The Schizotypal Mind

BPD and schizotypalMy schizotypal is back full force. It was gone for quite awhile. It creeped back when I went off my Geodon for a short while, but it went back away once the Geodon was in my system again.

And I’m trying to figure out what’s different. Why now? I’m on my Geodon. I’m not missing doses. I’m on the full 200mg. Why now?

Then it dawned on me, I’m more stressed right now than I’ve felt in awhile. Granted I’ve been stressed all along because of money. But now I’m stressed trying to balance two jobs.

And I’m feeling very alone, which is why “their” presence soothes me.

In other words, my brain is telling me I need them back in my life. One persona to be specific. Which usually occurs when Pat and I are stressed in our marriage. Based off of yesterday’s fighting, I would have to agree the marriage is stressed.

“PC” is in my head and loud as can be. His intentions are good and if he was real, the offers he has made would be tempting. But real he is not, so here I sit miserable as can be.

But alas, this is not what I want. Not at all. But I’m powerless to be rid of it, them, him. After all, it’s been 18 years.

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