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Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

It’s been a busy week. That’s why this is a few days late. I knew I had my meds appointment on Friday so I didn’t want to post this until after that and I didn’t get a chance to post it on Friday. So here it is on a Saturday.

I had therapy on Wednesday. Nothing major. We discussed work, finances, stress, worries, sleep.

We talked about my desire for a third baby for a bit. Nothing in depth just that I want one and when I plan to start trying if money permits. At this time I’m hoping to start trying this spring or late winter.

We discussed how I’m handling working two jobs. How I’m tired and still adjusting. She says it could take months to adjust. It’s a major change in my life. I’m just hoping to survive the oncoming holiday season at this point. That’s a huge worry for me. I’ll be working I imagine at least 50 hours a week that month and a half.

We discussed money to the extent that we are still trying to play catch up with bills. Everything but our electric is caught up to date. You don’t want to know what our electric bill looks like. I know and I didn’t want to know. And now I know why I didn’t want to know. It makes me sick to my stomach. But we are sending every spare dime to them every chance we get until it is paid off. We will get caught up.

Stress and worries are the same category. I worry because I’m stressed. I stress because I’m worried. The main thing I’m stressed about is work and money. And the kids of course. Am I a good enough mom? Am I spending enough time with them? Do they know how much I love them? I dole out hugs and kisses as if they were oxygen, but is it enough?

I had my meds appointment Friday. It was a short appointment. She was late getting me back and I had to leave on time to get to work. We mostly discussed how I’m having trouble falling asleep. We are going to try a new sleep med. It’s called Sonata. I’m not sure I’ve heard of this one so I’m curious to give it a try.

Moving on.

Let’s discuss change. I don’t deal with change very well. The after effect is usually ok if not pretty good. But the process about destroys me.

I bring this up because the camera store I work at is moving buildings. We are relocating to across the street due to an offer for cheaper rent. Keep in mind we almost didn’t survive the economy so we are looking to save money in any way we can.

The idea of this about has me sick to my stomach. My entire work world is about to be turned upside down then pulled inside out within the next month. We have to be done by September first. So really there is no time to even let the news sink in. I found out today and bam, it’s going to be done.

I’m just hoping most the process is done while I’m off the clock. I clock out Sunday night in one store, I clock in Friday morning at another store. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to experience it. I want no part in it.

God I’m so stressed over this.

I’ve been told this whole not being able to deal with change is a BPD trait. What about you? Can you handle it? How do you handle it? Does it make you queasy? I’m a little queasy. Are you?

4 Comments

  1. Comment by Pandora:

    Yeah, change completely freaks me out. Depending on the nature of it, it can even leave ne suicidal (another BPD trait, no doubt). F**k change.

    So you're not alone :)

  2. Comment by firstsoprano:

    I have mixed feelings about change. I suppose it matters how directly it's going to affect me of course. I try to look at it as an opportunity to purge old stuff, clean, pack up and move on. How can I make the next place bigger-better ? But I love the unpacking part—the putting away, reorganizing. I really get off on that. But it has to be an organized move or it's really hard. You might not remember this, but our lab has physically moved 4 times and we're still knocking down walls and remodeling as we speak. It's a never ending process. But each move is a fresh start and that's how you have to look at it in order to survive. On a lighter note…you're not having to $pay$ for it. Call me if you need help unpacking. I'd love to be there.

  3. Comment by Sairs:

    Change can be so incredibly hard, I know I find it hard. I had that when I moved jobs three times this year, twice because they were temporary roles and now in my permanent role. I would even get stressed when the phone rang. It was actually really scary. One time I finished the friday in one job and started the monday in another job entirely. Talk about horrible. Good luck with it all and I sympathise.
    ~Sarah~

  4. Comment by Walkingborder (Karen):

    Good, so it's not just me!

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