Archive for July 22nd, 2010

The Schizotypal Mind

Posted July 22, 2010 By kmarrs

BPD and schizotypalMy schizotypal is back full force. It was gone for quite awhile. It creeped back when I went off my Geodon for a short while, but it went back away once the Geodon was in my system again.

And I’m trying to figure out what’s different. Why now? I’m on my Geodon. I’m not missing doses. I’m on the full 200mg. Why now?

Then it dawned on me, I’m more stressed right now than I’ve felt in awhile. Granted I’ve been stressed all along because of money. But now I’m stressed trying to balance two jobs.

And I’m feeling very alone, which is why “their” presence soothes me.

In other words, my brain is telling me I need them back in my life. One persona to be specific. Which usually occurs when Pat and I are stressed in our marriage. Based off of yesterday’s fighting, I would have to agree the marriage is stressed.

“PC” is in my head and loud as can be. His intentions are good and if he was real, the offers he has made would be tempting. But real he is not, so here I sit miserable as can be.

But alas, this is not what I want. Not at all. But I’m powerless to be rid of it, them, him. After all, it’s been 18 years.

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Yesterday was a real roller coaster of a day emotions wise. Actually scratch that, I was never up enough for the roller coaster ride, really just down. With some vomit inducing loops and plummets.

I woke up not ready to be up. So after I put Luke down for his nap, I went back to bed. I didn’t wake up much more cheerful the second time.

From there I don’t even know what happened.

I know I got pissed off because Pat steamed up the bathroom right before I needed to take my shower for work. I have this thing where I don’t shower after people. I find it extremely gross. No, I mean really extremely gross. It has to do with my repulsion over body fluids. So not only was the shower covered in ew, but the bathroom was filled with someone else’s steam. Which is even grosser than the shower itself. Needless to say I never did get my shower yesterday.

Then we fought. And we fought. And we fought some more.

I’ll spare the rest of the details. I don’t need to spark another fight with Pat.

Luckily I needed to leave early to go pick up my med samples so I got the hell out of dodge. It also gave me the chance to cool off before I had to work. No such luck, my mood held and work took forever.

I did my best to be pleasant and I would have gotten rather far with it if I didn’t have a customer chew me out for things that were beyond my control. It wasn’t even the stores fault. I was handed a soggy, literal wad of coupons. I started flattening and sorting them out and noticed that 99% was for things she hadn’t even purchased. She had a small order so it wasn’t hard to keep track of what she bought and what she didn’t. We finally got to a coupon that she had purchased, and she had only bought 2, the coupon required 5. She lost it. Ripped me a new one. She demanded I cancel her order so she could go back and get 3 more. I suspended her order so all she had to do was grab them and then I or anyone could finish the order out. I started to hand her the slip of receipt for what had already been rung out and she lost her shit again that no she wanted the entire thing canceled completely. So she could grab 3 more boxes of cereal, go back through someone’s line, and have everything else wrung up again only this time eligible for her $1 off 5 boxes of cereal. My bet is the second person to ring her out got the whole wad of unusable coupons again to flatten out and sort through.

So I spent all of yesterday miserable, angry, beaten down to the ground, and refusing to eat. That was my BPD day.

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