Archive for July, 2010

It’s been a busy week. That’s why this is a few days late. I knew I had my meds appointment on Friday so I didn’t want to post this until after that and I didn’t get a chance to post it on Friday. So here it is on a Saturday.

I had therapy on Wednesday. Nothing major. We discussed work, finances, stress, worries, sleep.

We talked about my desire for a third baby for a bit. Nothing in depth just that I want one and when I plan to start trying if money permits. At this time I’m hoping to start trying this spring or late winter.

We discussed how I’m handling working two jobs. How I’m tired and still adjusting. She says it could take months to adjust. It’s a major change in my life. I’m just hoping to survive the oncoming holiday season at this point. That’s a huge worry for me. I’ll be working I imagine at least 50 hours a week that month and a half.

We discussed money to the extent that we are still trying to play catch up with bills. Everything but our electric is caught up to date. You don’t want to know what our electric bill looks like. I know and I didn’t want to know. And now I know why I didn’t want to know. It makes me sick to my stomach. But we are sending every spare dime to them every chance we get until it is paid off. We will get caught up.

Stress and worries are the same category. I worry because I’m stressed. I stress because I’m worried. The main thing I’m stressed about is work and money. And the kids of course. Am I a good enough mom? Am I spending enough time with them? Do they know how much I love them? I dole out hugs and kisses as if they were oxygen, but is it enough?

I had my meds appointment Friday. It was a short appointment. She was late getting me back and I had to leave on time to get to work. We mostly discussed how I’m having trouble falling asleep. We are going to try a new sleep med. It’s called Sonata. I’m not sure I’ve heard of this one so I’m curious to give it a try.

Moving on.

Let’s discuss change. I don’t deal with change very well. The after effect is usually ok if not pretty good. But the process about destroys me.

I bring this up because the camera store I work at is moving buildings. We are relocating to across the street due to an offer for cheaper rent. Keep in mind we almost didn’t survive the economy so we are looking to save money in any way we can.

The idea of this about has me sick to my stomach. My entire work world is about to be turned upside down then pulled inside out within the next month. We have to be done by September first. So really there is no time to even let the news sink in. I found out today and bam, it’s going to be done.

I’m just hoping most the process is done while I’m off the clock. I clock out Sunday night in one store, I clock in Friday morning at another store. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to experience it. I want no part in it.

God I’m so stressed over this.

I’ve been told this whole not being able to deal with change is a BPD trait. What about you? Can you handle it? How do you handle it? Does it make you queasy? I’m a little queasy. Are you?

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A Poem of Sorts

Posted July 30, 2010 By kmarrs

Written at work (they always are)

Work Bathrooms

Automatic sensors you baffle me
Flushing while I’m still sitting
How could you miss me?
Yet refusing to give me water
Needed to wash my soapy hands
At least the hot air dryer gives love
In little gusts of warmth

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Funny Fluff

Posted July 27, 2010 By kmarrs

I know, I haven’t posted in a few days. I know. And here I finally am and I’m here with fluff. But dudes, this is totally funny!

Around 4:30 this tweet went out:

It was inspired by once again, me going poop with an audience. Namely Luke. Who stood there the entire time chanting “You going pee? I brush teeth? You going pee? I brush teeth?” Lucky for me I figured out to keep a toothbrush for him within reach from the toilet and that shuts him up. Anyway, my tweet again:

My response from @DearestSanta

Cracked me up! I really wasn’t expecting a response much less a specific one. Most auto responses are generic. This one actually read what I wrote. I wrote back with a basic “sign me up”. We’ll see if I get another response.

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The Schizotypal Mind

Posted July 22, 2010 By kmarrs

BPD and schizotypalMy schizotypal is back full force. It was gone for quite awhile. It creeped back when I went off my Geodon for a short while, but it went back away once the Geodon was in my system again.

And I’m trying to figure out what’s different. Why now? I’m on my Geodon. I’m not missing doses. I’m on the full 200mg. Why now?

Then it dawned on me, I’m more stressed right now than I’ve felt in awhile. Granted I’ve been stressed all along because of money. But now I’m stressed trying to balance two jobs.

And I’m feeling very alone, which is why “their” presence soothes me.

In other words, my brain is telling me I need them back in my life. One persona to be specific. Which usually occurs when Pat and I are stressed in our marriage. Based off of yesterday’s fighting, I would have to agree the marriage is stressed.

“PC” is in my head and loud as can be. His intentions are good and if he was real, the offers he has made would be tempting. But real he is not, so here I sit miserable as can be.

But alas, this is not what I want. Not at all. But I’m powerless to be rid of it, them, him. After all, it’s been 18 years.

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Yesterday was a real roller coaster of a day emotions wise. Actually scratch that, I was never up enough for the roller coaster ride, really just down. With some vomit inducing loops and plummets.

I woke up not ready to be up. So after I put Luke down for his nap, I went back to bed. I didn’t wake up much more cheerful the second time.

From there I don’t even know what happened.

I know I got pissed off because Pat steamed up the bathroom right before I needed to take my shower for work. I have this thing where I don’t shower after people. I find it extremely gross. No, I mean really extremely gross. It has to do with my repulsion over body fluids. So not only was the shower covered in ew, but the bathroom was filled with someone else’s steam. Which is even grosser than the shower itself. Needless to say I never did get my shower yesterday.

Then we fought. And we fought. And we fought some more.

I’ll spare the rest of the details. I don’t need to spark another fight with Pat.

Luckily I needed to leave early to go pick up my med samples so I got the hell out of dodge. It also gave me the chance to cool off before I had to work. No such luck, my mood held and work took forever.

I did my best to be pleasant and I would have gotten rather far with it if I didn’t have a customer chew me out for things that were beyond my control. It wasn’t even the stores fault. I was handed a soggy, literal wad of coupons. I started flattening and sorting them out and noticed that 99% was for things she hadn’t even purchased. She had a small order so it wasn’t hard to keep track of what she bought and what she didn’t. We finally got to a coupon that she had purchased, and she had only bought 2, the coupon required 5. She lost it. Ripped me a new one. She demanded I cancel her order so she could go back and get 3 more. I suspended her order so all she had to do was grab them and then I or anyone could finish the order out. I started to hand her the slip of receipt for what had already been rung out and she lost her shit again that no she wanted the entire thing canceled completely. So she could grab 3 more boxes of cereal, go back through someone’s line, and have everything else wrung up again only this time eligible for her $1 off 5 boxes of cereal. My bet is the second person to ring her out got the whole wad of unusable coupons again to flatten out and sort through.

So I spent all of yesterday miserable, angry, beaten down to the ground, and refusing to eat. That was my BPD day.

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This ‘N’ That

Posted July 20, 2010 By kmarrs

I’m fast approaching 1000 posts. And I want to do something special for that 1000th post, but I don’t know what. What would you like to see? On the other hand, knowing me I’ll breeze right past it and won’t realize it’s come and gone until like 1005. This is post 971, if you are curious.

Books. Board books. The current bane of my existence. Though I don’t blame the books. Oh no, I blame the 2 year old who is hell bent on destroying them. We have an ever growing pile of books he has destroyed that need replaced. And once I have the money I do intend on replacing them. Not just for him, but also his future little brother. The thing of it is, is there any point to replacing them before he is out of this phase? And oh dear god when will he exit this phase? It’s a phase I don’t understand. I, for one, have always worshiped books. And while my mom is welcome to correct me if I’m wrong, I was never determined to destroy them. Thomas has never gone through this phase ever. He destroys toys, but not books. It doesn’t break my heart to throw toys away. Any parents out there with advice? I know some of them can be fixed with duct tape. *sigh* I might have to duct tape the cabinet with the books shut. Only that might ruin the paint job.

My husband is currently lecturing my youngest son on the strategies of fighting with his brother on a bunk bed. Rule 1 is to never fight on the top bunk. He is also giving him the strategies of annoying his brother from the bottom. And how he needs an extra pillow in order to “bomb” his brother. Meanwhile, I’ve heard horror stories about the kid on the top puking and it landing on the kid on the bottom bunk. *shudder* And now Luke is singing “Bunk bed! Bunk bed! Bunk bed!” with castanets and all. Boy has rhythm.

We lost Internet mid post write. Thank god blogger auto saves as I type. So I can go back and add the rest of this to what is already typed up. I’m working in word now.

I learned a lot last night during my research. I think I’m going to look into starting vitamin supplements to increase my vitamin B complex and my vitamin C. This isn’t to say I’m not going to try and eat the right foods. I just think I could really use that extra boost. I’m hoping I can be prescribed vitamins since I can’t, yet, afford over the counter. I’m hoping my meds doctor will check into it. I might check into what’s in prenatal vitamins and if they have what I’m looking for, ask to be put on them. If my meds doctor can’t do it, my regular doctor might. I don’t know. I’ll talk to her on the 30th about it.

The boys, minus Luke, are playing Uno. It’s fun listening to them banter back and forward. Normally I play with them, but being the observer has its perks. Apparently Thomas, for example, is a “dirty, dirty punk”. Meanwhile Luke is downstairs watching a movie.

Would you believe an article I read last night actually tried to say caffeine is good for mental health? It’s a pick me up. I wonder what mental health professionals would say to that. Next thing you know, someone will be claiming “5-hour energy” is a cure for mania. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. But it just seems to me that caffeine is bad for you and the crash outweighs the pick me up.

I got so excited writing that blog post last night. A natural high was to be had off the research. I almost posted it on the spot but it was too late, no one would see it hit my twitter and facebook stream. So I waited. That wait about killed me. No, seriously. Originally I was going to wait until Wednesday. Hah! First thing I did when I woke up this morning was post that entry. I didn’t even bother to take the time to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. I’m hoping it becomes one of my most read entries. For that matter, and I don’t ever do this, but if you found it informative, could you pass it on? Link to it? Twitter it? Something?

I wonder if I have Internet back…

(Added way later)
It’s now Wednesday afternoon. The rest if this was written Tuesday evening. We didn’t get Internet back until after I went to bed and I slept all day today. Not sure why. I went to bed fairly early last night. Just needed the sleep I guess.

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