Saturdays are the longest days ever. I work a full day, which is rare these days, but we aren’t overly busy so time just kinda drags on. I have a feeling I’m going to be knocked down to 2 days a week here, once I get my second job. I think the only reason I’m not already there is because my boss knows it would put my family on the streets. Maybe not literally but pretty much.

Stacy is picking me up from work tonight. We’re going over to Lane Bryant and I’m getting underwear. For the first time in years I’m going to be properly fitted for a bra and I’ll be buying the right size. I’m really excited about it, to be honest. We’ll see if this makes the whole bra wearing experience more comfortable. Not that it’ll make me want to wear a bra if I don’t have to. Hell, I don’t even wear pants if I don’t have to, much to Pat’s displeasure.

I’m still waiting on a call back from the store that called me for my availability. I’m assuming that the hold up is that they had 20-25 applicants to call. I’m hoping that’s the hold-up. The alternative is that I’m not being called for an interview. But I’m qualified for the job, over qualified if anything, and she liked my availability. Would she have let that slip if I wasn’t getting a call back? God I HATE this process. My anxiety can barely handle it. I just want to fast forward a month and be working there already.

I’m actively trying to lose weight right now. The thought is if I’m going to be getting pregnant in a couple of months, I want all my clothes to be too big for me, that way post partum they will fit. Or at least me close enough that I only have to lose a little bit of weight. It’s hard though. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my meds make this whole process impossible. I’m trying to mostly stick to fresh fruits and veggies and lean protein. I’m watching my carb intake too. I’m not being obsessive with it. I do have a bag of Doritos, for example, that I’m working on. I’m just making damn sure I only eat a little at a time that way consumption spanned over a week or two. This is a very frustrating process. It’s one of the things I hate about being on so many medications. Then I have people telling me if I work at it of course I’ll lose weight. No, not the case. Not when you are on an anti-psychotic. I might lose some with careful work, but the pounds won’t melt away. I’m also working on getting around walking. But I don’t think it’ll be enough. I don’t have the money for a gym membership like I need. Even if I was working more, I still wouldn’t have the money for that. All I can do is walk, swim (once I finally get a swim suit eventually), and watch what I eat. I’m working hard, but no I’m not going to lose weight the same way I would if I were off my meds. And when I’m finally off them I’ll be pregnant gaining weight, not losing it. I guess I’m just scared because I finally have a full wardrobe that fits me, and here I am wanting to get pregnant. I have yet to get back to either one of my pre-pregnancy weights. So all these wonderful clothes will probably be too small here in a year or so.

I’m having a hell of a time falling asleep at night. I’ve cut out the caffeine after 6PM to try and help. I take my sleep meds nightly. They are suppose to work after thirty minutes, but it’s more like an hour or two. They don’t completely not work, it just takes them forever. And it’s not even anxiety keeping me awake most nights, not anymore. I just can’t get my mind to shut down period. I’ll get songs stuck in my head or I’ll think about something I recently saw on tv (The Grey’s Anatomy season finally is still stuck on my mind and it’s been weeks.) and just lots of other crap my mind focuses on.

So, I’m accidentally growing corn, maybe, among other things. When we bought new food for the rats we took their food dish and dumped all the old, not eaten food on our back patio in the dirt. Lots of seeds, dried corn, etc. The idea is that the birds and squirrels and whatnot would eat it and we could watch them. They did, and we did. But before we knew it, we had stuff growing. I have no idea what all is there. A couple of them started out looking like corn, though we aren’t so sure anymore. The funny thing is, I’m so far the opposite of having a green thumb, I joke that it’s black. But somehow I managed to bring new life to the back patio. Go figure. We’ll see what grows. If there is actually corn, It’ll be feed corn. I’ll make Pat cook it up for the rats. I joke that next year I’ll accidentally plant some tomatoes and sweet corn. Both of which sound really good right about now. No, for serious. I’ve been craving the fresh stuff a lot recently. I was pissed when Pat told me I couldn’t eat feed corn. I mean what’s the point of accidentally growing it, if I can’t eat it.

Can we talk about comments and following? Recently I’ve been getting more comments than ever before, which is awesome. It’s how I know people are reading. What’s the point to writing (other than my own therapy, which this is therapeutic) if no one is reading? So just let me say, please keep it up! I love the comments. Even short, long, whatever… Leave comments! LOL OH! If you do leave a comment, check back. 90% of the time I reply to them in the comment feed. Now, following… if you read this blog regularly can you do me a favor? In the right hand column there is a gadget that shows my followers and there is also a button that allows you to follow me. It takes 2 seconds, but please click that button. Like comments it lets me know I’m being read and by who. I think you have to have a blogger account to follow, but that’s fast and easy to set up. Please? I judge my success by a few factors, but the number of followers I have is one of those factors. And chances are, if you follow me and I see you too have a blogger blog, I’ll probably start following you back. I’m always looking for new blogs to read, because lord knows I don’t have enough.

And because I don’t say it often enough, thank you for being my audience. It means the world to me.

Alright, time to end this. Until next time, be safe!