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This ‘N’ That

Bits and pieces of thought tonight.

First, the whole third baby thing. I understand my mother’s concern. I do struggle with the two I have. But the thing is, I’m not done. I know in my heart and soul I’m not done. And I’ve found stable thanks to my meds. And as I reach stable I become a better and better mom. I’m doing things with my kids. Hour long wagon rides through the neighborhood. Puddle jumping through the neighborhood. I’m finding the patience needed to read with the youngest, who won’t ever let me finish a book. I know I can do this. I’m being accused that I’m not being fair to my kids. But I don’t think that’s true. First of all, fair is a relative term. Second of all, what kids need most is undying love, and I’m good at that. Really good at that. I can do this. I have great support and great meds. I know this is possible.

And yes, I will make sure we have the financial situation secure. Even when things are rocky, bills are getting paid. Things can only improve from here. I will make sure I have a second or new job before I conceive. I’ll make sure I’m in that job long enough to have a maternity leave. It will be unpaid, but I’m use to that. I will secure my family’s finances.

Today was a bit disappointing for me, to say the least. I got invited to go to a party that I really wanted to go to. However, I wasn’t able to go. There are a millions reasons, that I’ll actually keep to myself. Anyway I was really disappointed.

I did take the kids puddle jumping today. Luke was bound and determined he wanted his new sandals on. Once they were on, the next logical step was to go outside. Only it was raining. Not very hard, compared to the earlier downpours, but there was water falling from the sky non-the-less. So we hesitated at first but I finally said fuck it. It was warm enough that we weren’t going to catch cold. I called Thomas down and outside we went. All the rain had created some great puddles so we scouted them out through the neighborhood. We got pretty muddy in the process. And poor Luke kept losing his right shoe. When we were done I sprayed us all down with the hose, to get the mud off. Then we bundled up in dry clothes and called it a night. It was close to dinner time anyways.

I have tv I should be watching. I have a movie to watch and an episode of the Tudors to catch up on. I’ll probably watch the Tudors tonight. I’m not sure when I’ll watch the movie. I need to return it soon, though. Kinda like the books I checked out of the library. They are really long books, 3000 pages each, that I really want to read. But I just can’t find the motivation. I think the problem is they aren’t light reads. They are really old pieces of British literature where I actually have to pay attention instead of skimming through it like I normally do. So they are really intimidating.

I actually work 4 days this week, because of the holiday. That’s kind of nice.

I feel really disconnected today. Surreal. I should probably head to bed soon. I’m not really tired though.

Ending this. Night all.

One Comment

  1. Comment by firstsoprano:

    Just out of curiousity…what happens when you can't take those wonderful meds while you're pregnant?

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