Archive for June, 2010

Medicated Dreams

Posted June 24, 2010 By kmarrs

I have been having very vivid dreams that seem very real at the time. They usually wake me up and I lie there all disoriented trying to figure out where I am (because I think the dream is real). And as soon as reality sinks in I’m back asleep. Sometimes to the same dream.

The kicker is that I almost always remember these dreams after I wake up. Not the fleeting oh that was weird but 5 minutes later it’s forgotten. No, I can tell you that 2 nights ago I watched a city block burn to the ground. I can tell you which stores, how many houses, etc, etc etc. It’s interesting to note I have a real phobia of fire, but the dream didn’t scare me.

Last night’s was really weird. It wasn’t a sex dream but it was a true love dream. It’s hard to explain. A lot of co workers and bosses/corporate office made guest appearances, though the person I loved in it was purely a figment of my imagination. (He did look like the kid who plays Jacob in Twilight so that part was yummy. Different name and personality though.)

These dreams started around the time I started my newest sleep med, but I have them on nights I don’t take my meds as well as the nights I do. So I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or what.

What do YOU dream about? Do you usually remember them? Do you ever wake up thinking they are real?

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It’s Wednesday again, which means it’s time for my weekly installment. For those of you who might be new to this site, every Wednesday I make a point of posting about how I’m handling BPD in the moment. How I’m doing, what my current symptoms are. Whatever. As long as it has to do with me and BPD.

I had therapy today. It had been about a month since my last session so there was a lot to go over.

We discussed me taking this second job. My main concern is that it will increase my stress and my symptoms will worsen. We both agreed that was a valid concern. So from here I just have to hope that I’m stable enough because of my meds to handle the added stress. It’s a huge jump to go from working 15 hours a week to 40.

We discussed the money issue. And let me tell you, I’m about as sick of discussing money in therapy as I am discussing it on my blog. The new job should improve this though. By no means will we be rich, but we’ll be back to comfortable. I’m hoping we can start setting up and emergency fund for the next time a tire blows or what have you. The catch is it can’t be in the bank and it can’t simply be tucked under our mattress. I do want to start saving money though. 20$ from each paycheck would be something. We can’t afford much more than that, and there might be weeks where, say, I need a new pair of work shoes and we can’t add to the stash and buy the shoes. But it’s better than nothing.

We discussed the desire to have our third baby. She didn’t really voice an opinion but she seemed to be fine with it. She seemed optimistic that I could do it. She agreed to the master plan which at this time is the following: We are going to give me at least 3-6 months to adjust to working 2 jobs. Then we are going to slowly ween me off my meds. Ideally I will still be on my meds through the holiday season, since we are waiting a little longer than anticipated anyways. Then this spring when I’m off my meds and I’ve had the chance to adjust to that, we’ll start trying for a fall baby.

And that was my session.

So how am I doing? I’m mostly ok. I have my moments, but they seem, to me anyways, to be within the realm of normal.

My depression is still there but it’s low enough that we are calling it my baseline. I am a depressed person by nature in a stressful living situation. I’m going to be depressed. But it’s manageable. I’m not lying awake at night day dreaming up ways to kill myself. So I’m stable there.

I’m irritable and lose my temper but I’m not flying into rages. And again it seems to be my baseline. Kids are annoying. I have a short temper. I’m going to yell on occasion. But I’m not seeing red. I’m not clinching my fists. I’m not fighting the urge to hit something. I’m just an average mother who happens to have a short temper. That isn’t unheard of.

I’m happier than I am miserable.

I’m nicer than I am bitchy.

For a few weeks there I was so unusually pleasant that Pat thought I’d some how gotten pregnant even though we aren’t trying yet. We even bought a pregnancy test just to be sure. I’m not pregnant. It woulda been a miracle baby if I was. Don’t look at me like that mom. This one really would have been an oops. Though we would have welcomed the early addition with opened arms.

The point is, I seem to have found my baseline and I really am stable.

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Posted June 23, 2010 By kmarrs

Ok, so I’m toying with getting rid of my blogroll. It’s a pain in the butt to maintain. I have to remember to update it every time I find a new blog. And that doesn’t happen. So I have to periodically compare a list of what’s there to the ones I read to find the newest ones and add them up, and that is a royal pain-in-the-ass. And there is the great debate like, ok should I leave it as only mental health blogs since that’s what this blog is about or do I be honest about all blogs I read, because I read some great ones? So to keep it simple I’m toying with getting rid of it. And then I’m like, well shit, I don’t want to just suddenly make it disappear because what if someone actually pays attention to it and uses it, and would miss it if it was gone. Then I’m like dumbass, if they use it they’ve already probably bookmarked their favorites and while you wouldn’t be directing them to new ones anymore, they wouldn’t be losing anything either. And then from there it’s like what if no one even notices it. I mean there is a lot of content in my columns I mean everything from how much I weigh to what web sites I frequent (getting rid of that one for sure) to where you can find dbt in the different states. *breath* So what if no one even notices it. In which case I’m going to all this effort for my own shits and giggles. And I don’t need to do that just for myself. And then I realize it’s free advertising for the blogs I mention because well if my readers are looking at it they might find a blog they might not have otherwise found. And well some of the bloggers listed actually make a living off their blog, and that’s like really cool and they could use all the free advertising that can get. I mean writing for a profession is really hard. So now I don’t know what to do. Guys, I could use some help here.

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This ‘N’ That

Posted June 19, 2010 By kmarrs

So my mom made me paranoid. She said I’d pass the background check unless someone had stolen my identity and committed a crime. Thanks mom. When I shared this with Andy at work, he showed me how to do my own background check. The only thing that came up was a speeding ticket. Good to know.

I have orientation Tuesday or Thursday. Depends in when they get my background check back.

I’m kinda excited to start a new job. I’ve been promoted about as high as I can go in my current line of work and it’s not paying the bills. So moving on is good for me. It’s what needs to be done. I’m starting at the very bottom, but I can deal with that. It’s going to be boring. I was warned by my new boss that it’s boring. But I’ll survive. I’m stressing over it a bit. But I know I’ll do fine.

I’m not really looking forward to working two jobs. I’ll probably leave the camera store at some point. But only if I’m getting consistent hours at my new job. We’ll see. I won’t really know until I’m in the thick of it.

I am worried about my mental health. I don’t handle stress well. Which is why only working 3 days a week is good for me. Putting in 40-50 hours a week could about break me. I don’t really know. I’m currently very strong but I’m about to go off my meds to get pregnant. We’ll just have to see.

Yes, I still want to get pregnant. Pat and I are going to talk to my meds doctor together to form a plan. I’ll get off my meds, make sure I’m balanced enough and then start trying. I’m going to take 3-4 months to do this. I’m not in a huge rush. I’d rather take my time and do it right. Maybe 6 months. If I get pregnant in 3 months number 3 will share a birthday with Thomas. That kinda bugs me. Either way, within a year for sure. We’ll discuss it with my meds doctor and make a decision. I might also drag Pat to a therapy session with me. We’ll see.

Pat and I went to a nightclub last night. There were some people going that we hadn’t seen in a long time and we wanted to meet up with them. Pat and I spent most of our time there people watching. We sat back, out of the way but where we had a good view and gossiped about the people we saw. Pat is really REALLY good at reading people so it made for a fun night. We also visited with our friends of course. Pat even agreed to play a game of pool with me. I still suck. But luckily it wasn’t his best game either. He was too distracted and stressed out.

I really want to curl up and go to sleep. I didn’t get much last night because of going out. So I could use it now. But I’m doing laundry. So no sleep for Karen.

I’m going to go read blogs or something. Night.

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Job Hunt 2010 Over

Posted June 18, 2010 By kmarrs

Pending a background check (they won’t find anything) I got the job. I’m mostly excited. I mean more money for the family, yea. But I kinda liked never working. This means 40-50 hour weeks. Maybe more.

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A Tale of Two Lovers

Posted June 18, 2010 By kmarrs

I was inspired by this post on A Glass Half Shattered.

Pat and I were friend for a handful of years before we were ever more. I was already dating one of his friends when we met so being more was never an option. I kinda knew he had a crush on me. I remember conversations involving him kidnapping me. But I figured it was just me ass calling his name and didn’t put much more thought into it. I was taken, why would I think more of it? In the meantime I just enjoyed my friendship with a very loyal friend. He was there for me. He watched me graduate. He came to my graduation party which I now know must have been hell for him. (He has social anxiety and rooms of people, especially strangers, are a total nightmare for him.) But he suffered it for me.

The summer after I graduated I moved in with that boyfriend (Branden) and things fell apart. Quickly. Within a span of about 3 months I learned my boyfriend (ok, fiance) was a liar, a cheater and the thief. By the end of the summer I confided in my dear friend Pat that I wasn’t happy in my relationship and I was ready to move on. His response was something to the effect of supportive and oh by the way as soon as I was single he was making me his.

I thought about it long and hard. For a couple of days even. (Hey, two days is longer than it should have taken me.) But my decision was easy to come to. I didn’t dump Branden for Pat. I already knew things couldn’t continue on with him. But it was also fairly obvious that I was ready to take the next step with Pat. The two events just kinda happened side by side.

Pat and I dated pretty seriously for a couple of months. Seriously as in Pat already lived in the house Branden and I lived in, so all I did was switch bedrooms and boyfriends. There was more than just us three in the house, but the situation wasn’t pretty. I eventually got thrown out of the house (it was a matter of who fucked up first, me or Branden because no one enjoyed the situation though they were rooting on me and Pat) and Pat moved us in with his Grandmother and family. As we were moving Pat informed me he was proposing as soon as he could afford a ring. Less then a month later I found out I was pregnant with Thomas. I never did get my ring.

We got married when I was about 5 months pregnant. It was the simplest ceremony possible. We had only immediate family as guests and got married in a soccer field. We went to the olive garden for dinner. That was it. The honeymoon included a trip to the computer expo and the zoo. We didn’t care. We just wanted to be married.

All of it, every last bit was impulsive. But I wouldn’t have what I have today without those impulses. On the surface, I don’t have much. But even I know to look deeper. I have a husband who loves me, worships me, and not just for my ass, though my ass does help. He puts up with my mood swing and rages when no one else could. He even does his best to understand them. He has done almost as much research on BPD as I have. He is always there for me, and I honestly believe he always will be. And I have two amazingly incredible little boys. My boys keep me going. They are my reason to live when I think I have nothing else. Their love is unconditional and my love for them is unstoppable. With them I’m learning the type of woman I really am and am becoming the type of mother I always wanted to be. I have a long way to go, I know this. But I am getting there. With the love of my kids, nothing can hold me back.

To this day I feel bad for how I left Branden. But I can’t feel bad for the decision I made in general. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and it shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I missed out on some wonderful possible dates by being with Branden for so long and he had very little to offer me. With Branden I was in love with being in love. Nothing more, nothing less.

But with Pat, it’s so much more.

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