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Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

First, I’ll confess I missed my meds appointment today.

Pat had a bad attack of acid reflux and wasn’t good to leave the house. I’m not comfortable enough to drive the van. If I were in bad shape and needed my appointment or else, I would have forced myself to go. But I’m in good shape and we just would have been touching base so, I missed it. The bad news is, I can’t just go later this week. The next available appointment wasn’t until July 14th. But it’s not the end of the world. I’ll have to stop in at some point to pick up my meds samples. But that’s no biggie.

Do I in anyway condone missing appointments? No, this shit is important. But it’s also about risk verses benefit. At this point the risk of me driving the van was greater than the benefit of me making my appointment. If I would have gotten something out of the appointment, that I can’t simply get by a phone call, then I would have gone. Nothing would have stopped me.

I do want to touch base with my doctor at some point before the 14th of July about my sleep meds. I don’t feel I’m getting the max benefit from them. I want to ask if my dose can be increased or something. But that can be done over the phone.

So why go every 4 weeks when some of this shit can easily be handled over the phone? Your doctor needs to see you from time to time.

A lot can be said about your level of depression, by your appearance. Have you showered recently? Are you spending time on hair or makeup? (I fail that one but not because of depression) Have you thought out a pleasant outfit or are you throwing on the first pair of jeans and a t-shirt your hands touched? (This is more important in girls than boys, and again some girls don’t care about this no matter what their depression level is. Your doc knows the difference.) How are you carrying yourself? Are you sitting up straight with confidence or slouched over like a depressed blob of goo? Are you fidgeting nervously? Are you shaky? If you are shaky could it be a med side effect? Does your over all appearance seem collected and confident, or depressed and nervous? Your doctor CAN tell a lot about you by looking at you.

Finally, they can’t read body language over the phone. You can say one thing and mean another. When asking if you’re suicidal, they aren’t just listening to your words when you answer, they are reading your body language. Using your words and body language combined they are judging if you are in deed telling the truth and to what degree of suicidal you might be. By degree I mean there is a big difference between thinking you’re better off dead, and actually having a plan.

So yes, keeping appointments is important. But in this case, Pat’s health and my safety was more important.

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