I’m turning into someone who paints her toe nails. I think this means I’m doing ok. I can’t be bothered with makeup, mostly because it makes me break out, but also because I’m not awake enough in the morning for it.

So what does this have to do with BPD?

Look, when I’m really far gone it takes all I have to shower. Granted, even when ok I only shower every other day, unless I smell bad, but still. When depressed I could easily go a week without showering. Work and therapy force me to be clean, but I shower with a grudge.

And now?

Now I look forward to showers. I’m taking care of myself. I’m putting effort into how I look. I’m staying cleanly shaven in the various areas I shave. I’m manicuring and pedicuring my various nails. I’m painting various nails. I’m putting forth the effort to grow out my finger nails (note: they drive me insane so it takes effort to keep them long). I’d be brushing my hair every 5 minutes but I currently have very little hair.

I’m eating daily but not binge eating due to depression. I’m taking the time to pick out fresh berries from the store and gobble them up within 12 hours of purchase. Meanwhile my bag of Doritos sits untouched. I’m slowing down on Mt Dew and have spent the money to buy bottled water. I feel physically healthier.

I’m getting laundry done. Washed, dried and folded. Still don’t get all of it put away but I’ve decided there is no real point. As soon as it hits a drawer it’s coming right back out to be worn and then tossed back into the dirty hamper. That’s how it feels anyway. So I have 3 baskets in the laundry room. Luke’s, Tk’s, and one for me and Pat’s underwear and sleep things. Our real clothes do get hung up because our “closet” is our laundry/utility room. Basement living FTW. But I’ve come to terms that life’s too short to get clothing put away. As long as it’s back and out of the way I’m fine with it. That or if I ever get the boxes out of my utility room, maybe I’d get the boy’s dressers moved down there. I’d get clothes put away that way. I just thought of that. A lot of boxes to sort through though. >.< I’m helping in the kitchen. Don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I’m cooking. Oh God no. But I have helped with the dishes. Not so much recently because dad’s back to being useful. But I’ve done quite a few loads in the dishwasher. I’m playing with my kids. In the past few weeks we’ve been outside quite a few times. Most of it wandering the neighborhood. First we went around in the wagon, TK pulling Luke, me trailing behind. And then, like I mentioned in a previous post, we went puddle jumping over the weekend. But quite a few times we’ve gone out and just walked. I’ve also taken on the responsibly, most days, to walk up to the local elementary school, which is TK’s bus stop, to collect TK after school. But I’m also playing inside. I’m spending more time on the sofa interacting with Luke during the day and less time at my computer. I’m not getting as much alone time with Thomas but that’s mostly because when Luke and I are playing, Thomas is in school. By the time TK gets home it’s dinner, then TV time, then cleanup time, and then bed. Tomorrow is his last day of school so I’ll get more time with him. I’ve reflected on this blog in the past about whether I was meant to be a mom. I have my moments where that answer is no. But I’ve found my balance mood wise. I’m far from perfect but I’m balanced. And that balance makes me a good mom. I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I’ll be fine. But it goes deeper than that. I spend sleepless night wondering if I’m meant to be alive. I have my moments where my answer to myself is no. But I’ve found my balance. I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I’ll be fine.