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Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I’m turning into someone who paints her toe nails. I think this means I’m doing ok. I can’t be bothered with makeup, mostly because it makes me break out, but also because I’m not awake enough in the morning for it.

So what does this have to do with BPD?

Look, when I’m really far gone it takes all I have to shower. Granted, even when ok I only shower every other day, unless I smell bad, but still. When depressed I could easily go a week without showering. Work and therapy force me to be clean, but I shower with a grudge.

And now?

Now I look forward to showers. I’m taking care of myself. I’m putting effort into how I look. I’m staying cleanly shaven in the various areas I shave. I’m manicuring and pedicuring my various nails. I’m painting various nails. I’m putting forth the effort to grow out my finger nails (note: they drive me insane so it takes effort to keep them long). I’d be brushing my hair every 5 minutes but I currently have very little hair.

I’m eating daily but not binge eating due to depression. I’m taking the time to pick out fresh berries from the store and gobble them up within 12 hours of purchase. Meanwhile my bag of Doritos sits untouched. I’m slowing down on Mt Dew and have spent the money to buy bottled water. I feel physically healthier.

I’m getting laundry done. Washed, dried and folded. Still don’t get all of it put away but I’ve decided there is no real point. As soon as it hits a drawer it’s coming right back out to be worn and then tossed back into the dirty hamper. That’s how it feels anyway. So I have 3 baskets in the laundry room. Luke’s, Tk’s, and one for me and Pat’s underwear and sleep things. Our real clothes do get hung up because our “closet” is our laundry/utility room. Basement living FTW. But I’ve come to terms that life’s too short to get clothing put away. As long as it’s back and out of the way I’m fine with it. That or if I ever get the boxes out of my utility room, maybe I’d get the boy’s dressers moved down there. I’d get clothes put away that way. I just thought of that. A lot of boxes to sort through though. >.< I’m helping in the kitchen. Don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I’m cooking. Oh God no. But I have helped with the dishes. Not so much recently because dad’s back to being useful. But I’ve done quite a few loads in the dishwasher. I’m playing with my kids. In the past few weeks we’ve been outside quite a few times. Most of it wandering the neighborhood. First we went around in the wagon, TK pulling Luke, me trailing behind. And then, like I mentioned in a previous post, we went puddle jumping over the weekend. But quite a few times we’ve gone out and just walked. I’ve also taken on the responsibly, most days, to walk up to the local elementary school, which is TK’s bus stop, to collect TK after school. But I’m also playing inside. I’m spending more time on the sofa interacting with Luke during the day and less time at my computer. I’m not getting as much alone time with Thomas but that’s mostly because when Luke and I are playing, Thomas is in school. By the time TK gets home it’s dinner, then TV time, then cleanup time, and then bed. Tomorrow is his last day of school so I’ll get more time with him. I’ve reflected on this blog in the past about whether I was meant to be a mom. I have my moments where that answer is no. But I’ve found my balance mood wise. I’m far from perfect but I’m balanced. And that balance makes me a good mom. I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I’ll be fine. But it goes deeper than that. I spend sleepless night wondering if I’m meant to be alive. I have my moments where my answer to myself is no. But I’ve found my balance. I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I’ll be fine.

8 Comments

  1. Comment by firstsoprano:

    These are the posts I enjoy reading. I'm glad things seem to have mellowed out here recently. Like you said….just keep doing the things you're doing.

  2. Comment by Stacy:

    I completely relate to this post. I'm not sure how old your boys are but my kids are 5 and 8. It seems like the older they get the more stable I get. The toddler stange was pure hell for me. Now I fee like I finally have a chance to breath.
    And I relate to always having those nagging thoughts about not being alive. It seems like no matter how well I'm doing, I still have them.

  3. Comment by Walkingborder:

    Luke is 2, which is a hard age for me,l and TK is almost 7. I'm on the right med combo right now and it has me stable as hell. I love the feeling.

    I have doubts as to whether I should be alive even when I'm not suicidal. The nagging "better off dead but not going to do anything about it" thoughts. It's annoying.

  4. Comment by barb roy:

    I'm like your mom this was a nice blog to read. I'm so proud of you. Keep doing the walking & watch what you are eating. The weight will come off. The more you lose the better you'll feel. The better you feel the more you'll want to do. It's a good vicious circle. I know that feeling looking in the mirror & liking what I see. I used to look & hated how I looked. Now I look & tell myself I look great. These new feelings are wonderful & I want to continue having them. Keep doing what you're doing. I want to read more blogs like this one. Love you.

  5. Comment by tracy:

    You have a dishwasher???? Lucky!! We have one, but it hasn't worked since we moved here, six years ago.
    Hey, keep up the great job and i just might get inspired!

  6. Comment by Walkingborder:

    Aunt Bunny – I'm not too worried about loosing weight. I know my meds make that next to impossible. If it happens I'll be happy but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

    Tracy – Yeah we have a dishwasher. It's rather nice. Our last apartment didn't have one and it was horrible. Though my dad did all the dishes so I don't know why I'm complaining.

  7. Comment by Kristin:

    I love that line, "I just have to keep doing what I've been doing, and I'll be fine." What a great place to be!

    If you are seriously thinking about getting pregnant, look into OmegaBrite fish oil. There was a study done which confirmed that the ratio of its ingredients is a superior mix that regulates mood swings. My (bipolar) niece used it while she was pregnant and it really helped her. She took up to 9 pills a day and was told that, because it is water soluble, what the body doesn't need flushes right out of the system.

    Nice post.
    xx kris

  8. Comment by Walkingborder:

    Kris – Thank you. OmegaBrite fish oil. I'll have to remember that. Someone write that down for me.

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