Archive for May, 2010

This ‘N’ That

Posted May 22, 2010 By kmarrs

I was able to kinda pay Stacy back for all the clothes she gave me. A month or so ago I gave her a bunch of shirts that no longer fit me and that was good and all. But last night I was able to give her the mother load of jeans. They are all too small for me and will probably remain that way for awhile. So at least one of us can get some use out of them. Makes me feel better about all the clothes I got from her a couple of weeks ago.

Here in about 2 weeks I have 150$ to play with at Lane Bryant to get some new underwear. Stacy has 75$ in real woman dollars. Meaning on a 150$ purchase, she’s only paying 75$. She calling it my birthday and Christmas from last year and this year. I tried telling her she didn’t need to do this but she knows I’m in need. My underwear is too small and filled with holes and I keep losing bras because the underwire keeps snapping. I think I’m getting bras that are too small but I can’t seem to get a proper fitting. I need someone to actually measure me while I’m naked in a fitting room, lifting up my saggy boobs so the measuring tape actually goes around my nipple like it’s suppose to. You’re welcome for that mental image btw. It’s free with a subscription to my blog. And if you’re reading this, consider yourself subscribed. Anyway, Stacy is going to make sure I’m properly fitted even if she has to do it herself and once and for all I’m buying bras in my size. I’ll still have to probably wear the bras that are too small as well so that I have enough, but we’ll see. I’ve been rotating the 2 bras that I have left well enough so if I buy 2 more in my size I should be able to rotate with just the two new ones well enough too. I’ll have the ill-fitting ones still as emergency back up. But really, you don’t need to wash a bra between each time you wear it. Only if it’s stinky or otherwise gross.

Enough about my underwear, yes?

It’s raining again. It’s been raining a lot this past month and I’m getting sick of it. Normally I like the rain. I’m a dance barefoot in the rain type of girl. But after the long winter I’m ready for some sunshine. I need some sunshine. And the rain has been cold. Cold, wet and dreary. Which is better than snow I guess. But really? Enough with the rain already. I guess it’s suppose to stop raining Monday and get really hot. I could do without the hot but I’ll take what I can get.

So my first paying job as an independent photographer is tomorrow. I’m not really nervous. The daddy is a good friend of ours. And my subject is a newborn and that’s quite possibly the easiest subject ever. They don’t move much and I don’t have to do anything to make him look cute. I just have to get good angles and lots of close ups of little feet and hands and noses and ears. I’ve taken milliopns of pictures of hundreds of babies. I’m made for this.

I’m getting paid 50$ which is a subject of saddness. Ideally I’d have a fund or a jar set aside to put my photography earnings in so I can save up for photography equipment. I realize my mom is helping me out a lot this month in getting me set up for Rachel’s wedding but there are still other thing I could use. I’ve promised to be the official photographer of an up and coming baby belonging to a friend. And I’m working for free for this one. This baby will be featured in my portfolio quite a bit. I needed a subject my photography could grow with. But I’m not properly set up for this. I have no backgrounds. No props. Nothing. A background and stand alone is 160$. Plus I could easily invest another 100$ into props. But I just don’t have the money. So the 50$ I’m earning tomorrow should be set aside to go towards a background. But instead I’m buying diapers, dish soap, fish food and rat food… and you get the idea. I’d save up allowance but with the exception of once, I haven’t gotten allowance in months.

I know, I know. Cry more noob. I swear it’s the rain.

I should go get some sleep. Night all.

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So I’m two days late. So shoot me.

BPD BPD BPD

I’m not even sure what to say.

It was a decent week I guess.

Monday was awesome. I was manic but good manic. Not jumping off roofs or spending money I don’t have manic. It was more like this intense drive to play with my kids with lots of energy and excitement, manic. It was a really good feeling. Monday I was an awesome mom.

The rest of the week was back to normal. Kinda cranky but not over the top. I haven’t been as angry this week. Not that I’ve been angry so to speak. But I’d been having angry outbursts in the form of rages and those have subsided this week. Which is of course good.

Depression wise I’m doing ok. I’m at like a 3 on a scale of 1-10. A 3 is fine by me.

I’ve been really tired these past couple of weeks. More so than usual. I’ve been going to bed really early, with Luke, half the time. The rest of the time I stay up kinda late to catch up on blogs, since the previous nights I’ve said f-it and gone to bed. It’s becoming a pattern. One night to bed at 8pm, the next night in bed at 2am. Not always 2am. Sometimes 11, sometimes 12. But late in comparison to the night before. It’s like I over sleep then under sleep, then over, then under. I’ve also taken a few naps these past couple of weeks. Which isn’t weird of me really, but I’d stopped taking them for quite awhile. For me sleeping too much is usually a sign of depression but I swear I’m not depressed, just tired.

My stress levels are still pretty high. Figuring out what I’m going to do job wise has pretty much guaranteed that. I’m stressing less about money itself and more about how I’m going to cope with earning it. Either I’m taking a 3rd shift job and adding it to my 1st shift job, or I’m taking a new 1st shift job that I’m not positive that I want. Either way I’ll be bring in more money so it isn’t the lack of money itself that has me worried.

Meh, I guess that’s the BPD update for the week.

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A Confession

Posted May 18, 2010 By kmarrs

I think I’ve touched on this before but I don’t know that I’ve elaborated on it.

I struggle with my children. I don’t mean teaching them right from wrong or getting them to do things, though both are hard.

No, I mean playing with them. I don’t know how to play with little kids. I don’t get what to do with cars or baby dolls. When I play with blocks things are symmetrical and balanced, not catywompus and just piled up on blind faith alone.

I spent most of my childhood with my nose in a book or on the computer. And Thomas is getting to the age where he wants to read and work on the computer and I totally get that. I’m finally able to relate to my oldest.

But my youngest? Not so much. He’s at the age where he wants my undivided attention but I don’t know what to do with him when he has it. He does like reading but he never lets me finish a page or a story before he’s moving on. He’s all about the pictures and I’m all about the words. I just don’t get that. I can’t relate to that.

So yesterday with the block towers was pretty exciting for me. I was just the right amount of manic to be able to relate to him a little bit. I’m a better mom when I’m manic.

But mostly, as much as I love my baby, I can’t wait until he is old enough that I can relate to him more.

And then he does something that melts my heart. Something only small children do. Tonight is was when he came running at me with his arms stretched to the farthest reaches of the universe begging for a hug. I was ready, on one knee with arms outstretched, to receive the affection. Recently he’s learned to give proper kisses, lips puckered, smack on contact, though he holds them for awhile when he really means them.

And I think to myself, do I really want to wish this babyhood away?

I don’t think it helps that I’m a loner. I keep mostly to myself and like it that way. More accurately I’m like a cat. I only want your attention on my terms. If it’s my idea I can be affectionate and pleasant. If it’s not my idea, you’re better off just leaving me alone. Maybe let me know you’re interested in hanging with me, but then back off so that I can make it my idea. I’m this why with everyone, everywhere. Not just my kids and husband, but extended family. coworkers and friends. This doesn’t make me a good person, I realize.

I like to use the phrase that my husband detests: “Up my butt”. As in “Luke is up my butt and won’t leave me alone”. Sometimes I just want left alone and he’s well, constantly up my butt every waking moment. Drives me insane.

I don’t think I was meant to mother young kids. Baby’s I can handle. Older kids, fine. Young kids, not so much.

So there is my confession.

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This Just In…

Posted May 18, 2010 By kmarrs

I’m up to 60 something blogs that I follow. And yes, I do actually read them all. Not every day. But most days.

In other news, I need a life.

Though perhaps working two jobs, anywhere from 30-50+ hours a week combined might cure me of blog fever.

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Apprehension Pt2

Posted May 18, 2010 By kmarrs

You might as well, once again, read the previous post before you read this one.

I called the store back and asked if they had any full-time positions available for any shift anywhere. They have one. I’d be basically co-running the store’s Starbucks. I requested to be considered for that spot as well. Though now that I have time to think it through, I don’t think that job would be a good fit for me. At the same time it’s a full-time, day time, management position. So I’d be stupid to not consider it, yes? But it seems like a lot to learn. A lot of different drinks to remember.

I just don’t know. I know I want to work for this company. I think I could happily spend the next 3, 5, or 10 years there. I need to get my foot in the door and blossom from there. If I take the 3rd shift job I wouldn’t have to stay 3rd shift. Or part time. I’m assuming there is room to grow from there.

All this freaking out and I’ve only been called for an interview. I don’t even know if I’m going to be offered a job. Though I’m qualified and I interview great so I’m going in with confidence.

The one thing I’m not freaking out over: What to wear. Thanks to Stacy I own 2 suits. I’m going with the black pinstriped one. I’ll look hawt no matter how uncertain I am.

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Apprehension

Posted May 18, 2010 By kmarrs

Apprehension

Yes, that’s the word we’ll use: Apprehension.

I have a job interview lined up for next Monday morning. It’s for the 3rd shift job I mentioned.

Why am I apprehensive? I was hoping to work either 10-15 hours a week or full-time. This job I’m interviewing for is for a set 15-25 hours a week. It seems no more, and no less. It’s too many, I think, once business picks up at my first job. But too few for me to quit where I’m working now, I think. I’m kinda torn. I don’t want to take it and find out it’s too many hours and quit.

I think what I’m hoping for is this: If the pay is more than what I make now, and I’m regularly getting on towards 25 hours, maybe I can quit where I’m working now anyways.

The other concern is that the hours will be from 4am-9am. Which is the exact opposite of what I thought it was. I thought I’d be working from 10pm till about 4am. That’s what I worked last time I worked for this company.

Is this the job for me?

When will I sleep?

More importantly: Do I have a lot of choice? I think I’m desperate enough to take the first job I’m offered. I’m drowning here.

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