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Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me.

Not so much? You might want to cover your eyes for this one then. Because I’m getting personal here.

Sex drive. Desire. Passion.

Or total lack of.

I don’t know what med it is, probably the anti depressant since they are sneaky little bastards, but I have no sex drive. Gone. Nada. Don’t know how else to phrase this but I can’t get across in words exactly how it is. I have no interest in sex. At all.

My husband, as you can imagine, is less than thrilled. Amazingly understanding, but less than thrilled.

So what do I do? I pick a reason, any reason, periodically, at least 1-2 times a month, and I force myself. Sometimes it’s simply because I wore a skirt I shouldn’t have and my husband is more worked up than usual and I know I’d be cruel not to sleep with him. Other times it’s in trade for something I want, like sleeping in. Yes, I really trade sex for sleeping in. I’m not proud of it. But we both can walk away pretending to be happy.

Am I always like this? No sometimes I’m manic and crave sex. And if you put me in a hotel room I get really frisky. But yes, I’d say about 95% of the time, my sex drive is dead.

And it’s the meds? As far as I can tell. Though I’ve been on meds for about as long as I’ve been having sex, save for about 2 years from the time I left high school up until Thomas was about 6 months old. During those 2 years, while I was with Pat (not so much my ex though) I was well, nonstop. As in I was regularly spraining muscles I didn’t even know you could sprain. Back on meds and poof, sex drive gone.

So how long am I on these meds anyway? Good question! I don’t have a specific time frame. Right now I feel more balanced than I’ve felt in a long time. I’m not about to give that up. What depression and instability that is left, is all life based for once. Chemical imbalances aren’t running amok. When life stabilizes, and the stressers like work and money are taken care of, I’ll probably go off my meds one by one. Or at least attempt to. But for now, I’m on them and I can’t survive without them. Literally.

So for now, I have no choice but to continue on without a sex drive.

2 Comments

  1. Comment by Jenna Coaster:

    Which anti-depressant are you on? Wellbutrin is supposed to not have that side effect. Maybe switch those meds?

  2. Comment by Walkingborder:

    I'm on Cymbalta. I can't take Wellbutrin. There is a very very VERY rare side effect that deals with a certain gene and that gene is hereditary and my father and sister both had the side effect and it's a bad side effect so yeah. Cymbalta is good stuff. It works really well for me. Honestly I'd rather be stable and not interested than stable and horny all the time.

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