Archive for May, 2010

Not Really Anyone’s Business

Posted May 31, 2010 By kmarrs

Here’s the deal. Pat and I are talking about trying to conceive in the next year. After I’ve acquired and settled down into a new or second job. Once money is in a better state. We want another baby. Pat and I don’t always see eye to eye but we’ve agreed from day one that we want three kids. End of discussion.

Am I always the best mom? No. But I don’t think very many mom’s out there are the best mom in the world. I’m the best mom I can be and I think I’m good enough. I may rant and rave at times that I wish I was better. Yes. But that’s just because I see how I could improve. I at least recognize my flaws.

I’m good with babies. I adore babies. I live for babies. They don’t stay babies. I get that. I mean, seriously. Duh. They don’t stay babies. And there are a few years in there immediately following the baby years where I’m a mess. I don’t really know what to do with a two year old, but I am learning. As my babies grow more independent I get better with them. Thomas drives me up the wall, but I know what to do with him. He drives me about as far up the wall as any 6 year old, almost 7, drives any sane parent up the wall.

Most parents dread the teenage years. I look forward to them. I think I’ll rock as a mom during the teenage years. Some moms rock during the ages of 2-5 and then fall apart during the ages 15-19. I fall apart 2-5 but will rock 15-19. So yeah, maybe I’m ass backwards but I’m handling parent hood.

Look, I don’t have to justify. I don’t owe an explanation. I’m fumbling to give one, but I don’t owe one.

Here is the bottom line. When Luke was about a week old, I looked down into his sweet little face and knew I wasn’t done. My family is not complete. We are good but not done. One more. Pat and I both desperately want one more. I have more love to give.

Money. Yes the money. Like I said I’ll have the money situation in a better place first. Clearly fifteen hours isn’t enough. I get that. I’m actively looking for a second or new job. I’ve been putting in applications. I have a solid lead on a job I want that would be hours I can handle. I’m just waiting on a call. I just filled out the application right before this holiday weekend so I’m not surprised I haven’t heard anything.

Anyway, I’m kinda hurt that I told my mom the plan and she freaked out. But then she freaked out over the first two as well, so I guess I’m kinda use to it by now. She always loves them by the time they are born, so I’ll assume the same with the third. At least this time I filled her in on the plan. The first two were total surprises to her.

But then, you know what? It’s not really anyone’s business.

However, I guess I would like to know that one person in this world supports me.

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Job Hunting

Posted May 26, 2010 By kmarrs

So I called the store I interviewed at and told them I didn’t want the job. I was losing too much sleep stressing over how I was going to juggle both. Also, to be honest, the idea of waking up at 2:30 in the morning to work from 4 to 9 was the most retarded idea I’ve had to date. Though I’m sure my husband could prove me wrong on that, but still.

Early morning aside, trying to work 20-25 hours at the new job and still maintaining my 15 soon to be going up to 40 hours at my current job, is just not going to happen. I need to find a new, full time job. I pains me to say that, but I don’t think I have much choice. Even though things are getting closer (always closer but never there) to picking up at work, I’m going to be right back down to 15 hours a week come January. We can’t live off that.

I don’t really know where I’m going to work. Most retail just doesn’t have hours right now and I’m not exactly qualified for anything else.

I feel very stuck.

I guess it’s time to break out craig’s list and see what I can find.

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Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me.

Not so much? You might want to cover your eyes for this one then. Because I’m getting personal here.

Sex drive. Desire. Passion.

Or total lack of.

I don’t know what med it is, probably the anti depressant since they are sneaky little bastards, but I have no sex drive. Gone. Nada. Don’t know how else to phrase this but I can’t get across in words exactly how it is. I have no interest in sex. At all.

My husband, as you can imagine, is less than thrilled. Amazingly understanding, but less than thrilled.

So what do I do? I pick a reason, any reason, periodically, at least 1-2 times a month, and I force myself. Sometimes it’s simply because I wore a skirt I shouldn’t have and my husband is more worked up than usual and I know I’d be cruel not to sleep with him. Other times it’s in trade for something I want, like sleeping in. Yes, I really trade sex for sleeping in. I’m not proud of it. But we both can walk away pretending to be happy.

Am I always like this? No sometimes I’m manic and crave sex. And if you put me in a hotel room I get really frisky. But yes, I’d say about 95% of the time, my sex drive is dead.

And it’s the meds? As far as I can tell. Though I’ve been on meds for about as long as I’ve been having sex, save for about 2 years from the time I left high school up until Thomas was about 6 months old. During those 2 years, while I was with Pat (not so much my ex though) I was well, nonstop. As in I was regularly spraining muscles I didn’t even know you could sprain. Back on meds and poof, sex drive gone.

So how long am I on these meds anyway? Good question! I don’t have a specific time frame. Right now I feel more balanced than I’ve felt in a long time. I’m not about to give that up. What depression and instability that is left, is all life based for once. Chemical imbalances aren’t running amok. When life stabilizes, and the stressers like work and money are taken care of, I’ll probably go off my meds one by one. Or at least attempt to. But for now, I’m on them and I can’t survive without them. Literally.

So for now, I have no choice but to continue on without a sex drive.

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Religion

Posted May 25, 2010 By kmarrs

My son has come to me recently and told me he doesn’t believe in God. I have to say I’m kinda sad about this. Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I know I’m Pagan. But I still believe in a God. I just also happen to believe in a Goddess. There is a bumper sticker out there that reads : My Goddess gave birth to your God.

The thing is, I feel everyone should have faith in something. Whatever that something is. Even if you don’t believe in a God (or Goddess) chances are you have a strong faith in science. Maybe you believe everything happens for a reason, whether that reason is divine or not. Most people have faith in something and that something powers them through life.

And yes, I believe in God. I’ll even agree he is most likely the Christian God. Though before you get too excited, I will confess this: I think all religions are worshiping basically the same guy. Just different names, and different ways of worship. I don’t think any one religion is fundamentally right or wrong. I think it’s all based on culture. I don’t think it’s how you worship that gets you on God’s good side. I think it’s the actions you do. And no matter how many times you kill in God’s name (crusades, terrorists) if you are doing bad things, you are a bad person. Period. Thou shall not kill, and the other commandments, aren’t just Christian rules, they are fundamental good rules everyone shall follow.

So, what about Jesus? Here is where things get a little fuzzy for me. Jesus of Nazareth himself was a great profit. He had a good message and he preached it well.

Was he the son of God? Well, I believe we are all the children of God (and the Goddess), so technically yes.

Was he a part of God? I feel we are all part of one being. And we are all part of our God (and Goddess). It’s hard to explain but it’s summed up with this phrase: We are all one. I don’t think God is excluded from that. Neither was Jesus. Read One by Richard Bach.

Did Jesus really rise from the dead? There are theories that he was never fully dead, just near death, to begin with. Medicine was a little fuzzy back then and they were in a hurry. I don’t remember why. Something about a holiday or tax day. You’ll have to ask my 9th grade history teacher (who was a devote Christian). I’m not saying I believe this theory. I’m just saying there are theories out there.

What about the other miracles? Well, I don’t know. Is it possible they really happened? Something happened. There are million of people who have a strong faith in this man. Something got that faith started. Immaculate conception? Errr… Walking on water? well… Healing the sick… Um… Look either you believe in miracles or you don’t. I don’t think I’m religious enough no matter the religion I follow to believe in them. There is another great book by Richard Bach called Illusions. But he did something in front of enough people to cause them to believe in him. Believe in him enough that the following is what it is today.

Does your faith in Jesus and the miracles make you happy? Awesome. Like I said before everyone should believe in something. Anything. If you can have total faith in all this then that is fine by me. Don’t let my beliefs sway you. And honestly, if you have total faith then my beliefs wouldn’t sway you even if I tried.

I have a lot of unanswered questions. Questions I am ok with being unanswered. But I know two things for sure: I believe in a God and a Goddess. So my son struggling with his faith does make me a little sad. I mostly think he is too young to have faith in anything at this time, but I’m still sad. I also think I can begin to understand how my mom felt when I walked away from Christianity. Only unlike my mom, I don’t feel my son is wrong. I just feel he is faithless. I’m sad, not disappointed.

And again don’t get your panties in a bunch, I’m not harping on my mom. I’m not trying to anyways. I’m just looking at the big picture and making comparisons. Or more accurately considering how I want to handle my son’s lack of faith. How my mom handled mine didn’t work, so I know what not to do. It’s as simple as that.

So speaking of my son and faith, what will I teach him? Well he goes to a Presbyterian church every Sunday. It’s fairly simple, he spends the weekends with my mom, and that is where she goes. If he decides to believe what she believes then awesome. He’s have a solid and popular belief. When he is old enough to make decisions on his own I’ll teach him about religions, a lot of them anyways, and I’ll let him come to his own conclusions. I’ll accept whatever he chooses whether I agree with him or not. My only requirement is that he fully understand what it is he believes in. If he wants to be Wiccan that’s fine, as long as he doesn’t think that means he’s suppose to sacrifice cats in grave yards. I will educate my son and support him.

So, what do you believe?

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Dreams

Posted May 25, 2010 By kmarrs

What’s something you’ve always wanted but can’t justify having?

When I was very young I started reading Nancy Drew. And Miss Drew owned a Ford Mustang. Back then I didn’t know anything about cars. (Who am I kidding I still don’t.) But thanks to Miss Drew I knew a Mustang when I saw one. I wanted one.

As I’ve grown older, my dream car hasn’t changed much. I want a ’66 or ’67 Mustang convertible. Because clearly, that is a practical car for me to own. But have you seen the ass on one of those babies? I’m an ass girl all the way.

Someday I will own a Mustang. I’ll probably be in my 70’s and it will be a much newer model, but I will own one. Someday.

So what about you?

This post was inspired in part by The Bloggess and her red dress.

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This ‘N’ That

Posted May 25, 2010 By kmarrs

So… I had a job interview this morning. And you might vaguely remember that the only thing I knew for sure was that I was going to wear my new suit? Yes, well I didn’t even wear it. Pat said I looked awkward in it. Which means I totally have no clue what to wear to my sister’s wedding. Wait, you want to know how the interview went and don’t care about the clothes? Fine. I have no clue how it went. I know they interviewed all last week and will continue to interview all this week. I know I’ll know either way sometime next week. Either a phone call with an offer or a generic postcard if I’m not offered. I feel I did the best I could during the interview. I spoke clearly. I looked the interviewer in the eyes. I answered the questions to the best of my ability. So if I’m not offered the job, that just means someone else was more qualified. I can handle that. Truth be told I’m still figuring out how the logistics of me waking up at 2am to be at work by 4am were going to work out. It’s enough hassle to get me out of bed then I have to be up at 8. I’m also stressing over when I’ll have a chance to see my kids. I may not be the best with them, but I still want time with them.

I need business cards. I’m investing in them as soon as I get a second job and start getting allowance again. I am trying to make a living as a photographer. I don’t think it’ll pay the bills anytime soon, but it’s bought diapers just this week. Seeing as how we would be out of diapers otherwise…

I’m trying to see about getting advertising for this blog. I don’t think I’ll ever be famous for it, but dammit I have a cause. I’m desperately trying to get word about BPD out there to the people. Information to those who suffer with the mental illness, but also to those who don’t. The catch is, buying add space is expensive. Really expensive. I have my sights set on a couple blogs in particular and we’re talking 200-500$ a month. I don’t have that type of cash. That’s a lot of diaper money. My site would have to be pulling in serious ad revenue for me to get that kind of advertising money (half of my ad revenue does go to charity) and if I’m pulling in that much chances are I don’t need to advertise. FYI, in all the time I’ve had the ads, I’m up to a total net income of 5$. So no, I don’t make anywhere near 200-500$ off my ads. I’m not too worried about making money off this blog though. That isn’t why I write. I know my blog won’t pay my bills, like ever. I’m ok with that. But it would be nice to be able to buy ad space so I could get word on my cause out there.

I don’t know what else to write so I’m going to end this. It’s better to just shut up than to force something else out.

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