Archive for 2010

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There is the theory that I’m 2 months pregnant.

Here are all the facts.

With both boys I had a light period that first month. I knew something was off and took a test. Both came up neg. The second month, sure enough I missed a period and took another test which was positive.

Last month I had a normal period that I’ll admit was one day late. It stated on the 29th. I took a test on the 28th, and it was neg.

This month, on Christmas day I took another test, it was also negative.

If I was two months pregnant the second test should have been positive by now.

So I’m going with the 18th of December as the possible day of conception.

Again, I don’t really want to be pregnant right now. If I did I wouldn’t have bother consulting that site. And I wouldn’t be job hunting. I really don’t want to work where I’m working for the next 9 months.

Same time, Pat and I have known from the start we wanted 3-4 kids. Once we started having kids we agreed 4 was out out of the question but that 3 was the perfect number.

Oh and this possible fetus goes by the name Marcus Taylor Marrs. Though that was selected years ago. Well, most of it anyways. We talk baby names. It’s what we do.

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We have been using the rhythm method as birth control for the past couple of months. Mostly because the holiday season cash flow interrupted the condom cash flow. And when we did have the extra cash, we just plain forgot until the next urge hit. I should also point out that thanks to my meds I have zero sex drive. But for some reason as of late, the idea of going without a condom has been a turn on.

I do want to be straight with you now. I don’t want to get pregnant at this exact moment. But only because I’m job hunting. To me, it’s tacky to job hunt while pregnant.

So we have been consulting a site online that keeps track of your period and tells you when you are fertile and when you are not. I have a history with this site. I’ve tracked my periods with it off and on for years. This isn’t the first time we’ve been without a condom and wanted to play.

On the 18th of November we were in the mood. I ran upstairs to check to see if we were safe. We were by 4 days so we did our thing.

I’m 3 days late for my period. I had some spotting this morning so I thought maybe it was finally starting. But no. One spot and that’s it.

So either my body is really off and I was fertile when I wasn’t suppose to be fertile. Or my body is really off and I’m way late for a period you can normally set a clock by.

I have no other symptoms. And I’m PMSing like mad. I mean this shit it scary I’m so moody. Which is I guess a sign of pregnancy but… I mean usually my boobs hurt.

So well, that’s that.

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So…

Yesterday was the 2 year birthday for this blog. I kinda forgot to make a big deal of it which works because I had no idea how to make a big deal of it.

Last year I made a list of things I hoped to accomplish. I met some of those goals. Others, not so much. I’m choosing to not worry about it. It’s no big deal. I feel like I’m accomplishing what I’ve set out to do. And my goals have formed and reformed as I’ve gone along. Sure I would like more followers, as one of my goals stated, but I’m pretty happy with the knowledge that I have some loyal ones. Some aren’t even related to me. And so what if they were? This blog is helping to better explain me. And by default other people with BPD. It starts with my family and spreads from there.

One of my goals was to finish up the DBT post series. I didn’t do that. But I started a whole new series, equally important, that I’ve stuck with every week. You know, the Living Life with BPD series. So it balances out.

Anyway, all that was to say I’m not making goals for the coming year. Maybe I won’t even acknowledge the blog’s birthday next year.

It’s all becoming so second nature that I’m not pushing for the big milestones, so I’m not noticing them. Kinda how like that 1000 post mark blew by with barely a nod.

Moving on…

Obviously the new year fast approaches. Again with the goals. I can’t say I don’t have any. That would be a lie. But the big one, the main one is to find a new job. I’ve already gotten the ball rolling on that one.

I have a phone interview next Wednesday. Yes, it’s with a bank for a job as a teller. Now most starting bank jobs start you at 9-10$ an hour. This one is only 8.70$. But that is more than I currently make. The catch is it’s only 26 hours a week. Which isn’t so bad. That allows time for school. Which is becoming increasingly important for me. I mean, it was always important, but as I get closer and closer to figuring out what I want to do with my life, the urge to educate myself grows.

On the down side, that is less money over all than what I was counting on. I was counting on that 9-10 and 30 hours a week. I just need to tell myself I can work up to that. We will have less wiggle room with money than what we have now, but I’ll be over all happier and that will be worth it. I still need to have the conversation with Pat as to whether we can afford this change. Hopefully there will be more interviews. The holidays season is coming to an end. As it dies down, recruiters have more time to dedicate to finding people.

Oh! One thing this bank does have going for it is that it offers solid benefits to even it’s part time employees. We’re talking paid vacations, retirement plans, the works. So yes it’s less money starting out, but it sounds like a good deal.

Anyway, here is my nod to year end milestones. May the next year be a good one.

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I was at work today when a 4 year old, her dad, and her little brother entered the store. The 4 year old girl was screaming. An angry defiant, temper tantrum scream. No matter where they went in the huge store you could hear this little girl scream. An hour later, roughly, when they left the store, she was still screaming.

Her father used words, to try to sooth her. It didn’t help. She was angry over something. She was trowing a temper tantrum. And no amount of words were helping.

Lord only knows how long she actually screamed. She entered and exited the store screaming. She spent the entire time in the store screaming.

I have two thoughts and they are both against the dad. Granted, the kid was a brat, but she was raised that way.

1. Don’t enter a public place while your kid is in the middle of a fit. Certainly don’t spend an hour in a public place while your child is in a fit. If something is so urgent you have to enter the store, grab it and get out. A weeks worth of groceries can wait. No one in the store wants to hear your child scream like that. Certainly not everyone in the store for that long.

2. I’d bet a good smack to the ass would have shut her up. Certainly an hour into it, a smack across the face would. Look, no amount of words were working. Neither was ignoring her. The kid needed to learn cause and effect. If you are going to make a scene like that in public, you are going to get smacked. Preferably the ass but the cheek if that doesn’t work. The cheek would have worked.

A long time ago people hit their kids. It’s what they did. They used switches, their hands, fly swatters, or whatever else is on hand. And kids grew up respecting their elders. They matured into adults that respected elders, peer and themselves. Today it’s taboo to hit your kids, and today’s kids don’t respect anyone. Today’s young adults don’t respect anyone.

That little girl had no reason to listen to her dad tell her to stop screaming.

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Hey guys, my blog roll is currently down. Sorry to any of you who use it or are on it. See, it seems I follow 96 blogs and I need to whittle that down some. And I can do that. But instead of removing 1 by 1 the blogs I no longer choose to follow from my blog roll as I unfollow, I choose to tear the whole thing down and start from scratch. Because that’s what I do.

The easy thing would be to just leave them all up there whether I follow them or not and just construct a never end blog roll of all the blogs in the world. And that’s a valid thought. However, I choose to be honest in it. If it’s on my blog roll, I read the blog. Maybe not daily, because that’s a lot of blogs, or even weekly, but I follow it.

The even easier thing to do would be to not have a blog roll. And I’ve thought of that too. But it’s free advertisement to the blogs I love and well, they deserve it. I don’t know how many followers I’ve given them. But they deserve the shot.

So yes, 96 down to however many over the next few days and then I’ll put the blog roll back up.

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No wait, the bah humbug was yesterday. The busiest work day of the year. But I don’t want to talk about that.

Today the sentiment got upgraded to Merry Christmas!

As I type I’m listening to Tiny Cat play with her new stuffed bird. It chirps. Often. Thanks Santa. Though watching her play with it makes it all worth it in the end.

Speaking of Tiny Cat and gifts, she got more presents this year than I did. And to be honest, I couldn’t be happier. She is young and honestly enjoys the crap we buy her to play with. I get joy out of watching her. So in the end, we all win there.

And just when I think the chirping has finally stopped, it starts back up again.

Right. Joy.

My personal loot stash was mild. I got pants and socks from my mom. Needed but not the most exciting thing ever. Pat bought me a 6 month subscription to People Magazine. I am more excited about that. Santa brought me soaps and other spa goodies. And chocolate.

Santa was good to the kiddies. He brought them a portable DVD player, so now they can watch movies under Pat’s watchful eye in the living room. Instead of in the basement where Luke climbs out of the pack ‘n’ play. Santa also brought Luke an elf made wooden train set. My engineer now has something to fiddle with. Thomas scored some transformers. Gee does Santa know my kids or what.

Pat and I bought Luke some kid’s power tools and a tool box and other neat little things along those lines. He got a remote control train from Grandma. And just lots of little odds and ends and books and coloring books and other goodies.

Pat and I bought Thomas Battleship and Starwars Legos. None of the big sets because that shit gets expensive. Because clearly charging 100 plus dollars for pieces of plastic isn’t a rip off. But they are legos and legos are cool. Even I love them. So, two little sets made the budget.

Funny story for you. Thomas has this ocean life picture encyclopedia that Grandma bought him a year or so ago. Kid loves that thing to death. It goes with him everywhere. So when he discovered there was also a dinosaur one from the same company, he had to have it. So of course Grandma bought it wrapped it, and under the tree it went. Thomas, being the kid he is, was snooping under the tree and came across that book a week ago. He took one look at it and knew right away what it was even though it was wrapped. Grandma of course denied it and said it was anything else under the sun but that book. So Thomas went and got his ocean life encyclopedia and compared the two. He held them together, same size. The lifted them up, one in each hand. Same weight. Same everything. “But Grandma! I know that’s my Dinosaur book!” To which she replied, “OK Thomas. If you kiss me here and here,” pointing to each cheek, “and don’t wipe it off, I’ll tell you if it is or not.” So he did as she instructed and she confessed it was indeed his book. “Great! I can open it now!” Not exactly.

The boys scored a total of 6 new movies. Luke got Mickey Mouse Club House from Grandpa. (His newest obsession.) Santa brought Up to go with the DVD player. Thomas got Iron Man 2 and Spiderman 1. (I just bought 2 and 3 used from a friend so we needed to complete the collection.) Luke got Ratatouille and Chipmunks the Squeekal.

After the present opening, we popped in one of the movies and just hung out while mom got dinner ready. She made chili, as per special request from my sister, and ham for Pat. Then of course there was mashed potatoes and green bean casserole and 5 cup salad.

Then it was time to come home. Only we left my kids there. Because well, Grandma lets us get away with it.

And that’s Christmas in a nut shell.

Oh! OH! Pat also got new hair clippers so he can buzz my hair again. Really I think it was more a gift for me, but it had Pat’s name on it. Good thing he likes my hair short.

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Sometimes I wish I was a psychologist so I could help these people coming to me for help. I would have a network of fellow doctors in different states and cities who could help me find people help. Then I realize becoming a psychologist is a lot of school and my 1-2 classes every other semester approach would have me done right around the time I die. Roughly. So then I think therapist. Less school just as helpful, same potential network. I could teach DBT as well. And this would be an awesome plan. It’s kinda the opposite of my mathematician hiding away from people plan, but it’s still a good plan.

The latest is anonymous who has been to every psychiatrist in a 100 mile radius that takes her insurance and she still can’t find anyone who will take her on as a patient because she’s too unstable and they won’t treat BPD.

My heart bleeds for anonymous. I wish I had the power to do something.