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Schizowhat?

My schizotypal has all but disappeared in the past few weeks. I’m not sure what’s to blame. I’m not sure blame is even the best word to use. It had decreased dramatically with the introduction of the anti-psychotic into my system.

It’s weird because my impulse when I walk down the stairs to the basement (my bedroom) or walk out to my car from the store I work at, is to be greeted by one or more of “them”. But lately I’ve been able to shrug it off because I don’t seem to need them anymore.

Am I feeling less alone?

More confident in myself?

Are my meds just working overtime to squelch that part of myself.

I’m not really sure what it is. Maybe a combination of two or three of those things. Maybe there is a fourth I haven’t even thought of.

I can’t say that I really miss them. If anything I feel relief to be that much closer to normal. One less part of myself to hide.

And it is something I hide. In recent years I’ve been more open to discussing it. I came out of the closet about it so to speak. I defined it to Patrick, Andrew and my doctors. I later posted it on here where it’s open for the world to read. But I still hide it. I don’t announce to people when someone they can’t see, a figment of my imagination, is in the room. I don’t share the conversations I have with “them”. I created myself a little fantasy world. Where I’m safe and perfect. A world that I’ve never shared the details of to anyone. Delusions of grandeur I’ll admit to. But what those grand delusions are, are my secret to keep.

Bottom line, it’s embarrassing. And now I don’t have to deal with it anymore. How long that anymore will last, I don’t know. Till I’m off the meds. Till I need the added friendship. Till I’m feeling less secure. I don’t know. But for now, I’m just grateful that it’s gone.

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