Archive for November, 2009

Common Ground: A BPD Path Often Walked

Posted November 29, 2009 By kmarrs

I took an Ambien to help me sleep but it hasn’t kicked in yet. It doesn’t help that I came home from work and took a nap. I needed the nap but now it’s bed time and I’m feeling well rested.

As I was lying in bed trying to sleep my mind started to wander like it does every night. Usually I stress about work or the kids. My maybe not so great idea to sell all the boy’s outgrown clothing came from a mind wander. Tonight my mind wandered to games.

Pat and I use to play wow together, only I was never as into it as Pat was. Then we switched to EVE which is the hardest game out there and I never stood a chance. then DDO became free and we switched to DDO. I even really enjoyed it for awhile. I played with Pat every opportunity I got. But now? I haven’t touched it in a couple of months. And I don’t know why. I’ve just lost interest.

I’ve lost interest in a lot of things. Gaming, movies, books, music.

I’m even starting to lose interest in my kids. Playing with them has become a chore. Taking care of their needs is to be dreaded. Part of me even questions if I was meant to be a mother. When I’m mentally healthy I’m a great one. But I haven’t felt mentally healthy in a while now.

I know it’s the depression. Even though I’m feeling better than I was I’m still suffering from quite a few of the symptoms.

I asked Pat today if all we had left in common was the children. He responded that it was beginning to feel that way.

We use to lie in bed, when we first started dating,and listen to music while we talked and made out. We had certain Cd’s we’d always play when we made love. But now our alone time together is ringing in silence.

We use to be big on movies. We didn’t always see eye to eye, but I’d usually agree to a guy movie if he caved and watched a chick flick. Princesses push him past his limit but he really is willing to watch chick flicks with me. The problem is, even with netflix, I have limited interest in watching movies. Generally the movies that arrive for me sit there for a week before I finally get around to watching them.

Then of course there are the games. We met at one, dated through several, got married and hosted games ourselves. We play live action, paper and pencil, and online and PC. We use to have an xbox. Games were central to our lives and relationship. But now… I dunno. This goes beyond my lack of motivation to my lack of interest. A severe lack of interest in most anything life has to offer.

I’m not suicidal but I’m not living life either. I’m at the point to where I’m just existing and nothing more. I’m in a rut, so to speak.

I had hoped my maintenance binge would help pull me out of my work rut. It really didn’t. I got done everything I needed to get done but where I use to enjoy the process, I was left with an empty feeling of going through the motions.

And that’s how I’m surviving life right now, on empty but going through the motions.

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Christmas

Posted November 28, 2009 By kmarrs

I’m having a stupid hard time figuring out what to get Luke for Christmas. We already have all the standard 2 year old toys from when Thomas was little. Today we went to target to spend a gift card we were given and we started shopping for the boys. We picked out 3 transformers for Thomas that were on sale. So far Luke is getting pants. And I’m not even sure the pants will fit him. He’s too fat for most 2T and too short for most 3T. So I’m hoping for the best and keeping the receipt.

Did I mention Luke’s birthday is right after Christmas? So I have 2 events worth of presents to come up with. This is hard.

Did I mention I hate the holidays? They are so stressful. I’m ready for it to be February already.

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Random Shits

Posted November 26, 2009 By kmarrs

I don’t know how to go about describing my day without confessing that it’s my birthday so I’m just going to put it out there. I turned 26 today. I hate birthdays.

That said, I had a pretty good day.

Brenda took me to lunch at Panera and then took me to see New Moon. New Moon was actually decent. Better than twilight. It helped that the guy who plays Jacob is HOT. And he buffed up for the movie so damn is he yummy to look at. It also helped that Edward isn’t in New Moon much so I didn’t have to look at the actor who plays him. He is less than yummy. He mostly needs a shower. Anyways, I had fun with Brenda. I don’t get to hang with her often so it was nice to have some one on one time.

After the movie I came home and got the boys. I took them with me to dinner at mom’s. She made my favorite meal and it was yummy. I even got to bring the left overs home with me. So I have something to take to work with me Saturday.

Work bought a coffee pot. Me and coffee are a fun mix. This should prove to be interesting. The catch is it’s 1$ a cup. It’s one of those expensive machines that makes one cup at a time. The coffee comes in pre-measured little containers. I don’t think I can afford to drink much of it. At least not if I want to have any spending money.

So I’m on facebook and I play farmville and fishville and I need neighbors. And if you happen to be on facebook playing those games needing neighbors, well hit me up. You can find me by looking for Karen Marrs.

On that note I’m ending this.

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This Just In…

Posted November 25, 2009 By kmarrs

We think I bent the alignment on the car. There is a BAD rattling sound when I go over 55 mph. Don’t know when we can afford to get this fixed.

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Stressed Out

Posted November 23, 2009 By kmarrs

I tried to total my car today. I sorta ran over a curb. I shredded the two right tires on my car in the process. I destroyed the rims as well. Thanks to Pat, Jesse and two used tires and rims from a junk yard the car is already fixed, but it was an all day process. Luckily I was not hurt in the accident.

My printer at work was also bitchy all day long. It doesn’t want to recognize the magazines of paper.

It’s just been a long stressful day.

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Side Bar

Posted November 23, 2009 By kmarrs

I couldn’t sleep so I did research on where you might start looking in the different states for classes on DBT. I also found a list of suicide hot lines by state. It’s under “Are you suicidal now”. You can find all this if you look to the left sidebar on the screen titled “Need help?”. A few states aren’t represented but I’m working on it. I’ll get it flushed out. I also have more info for central Ohio listed than any other state. That would be because I live in Ohio. If you have any web sites that would be of interest to me to add to that list, please let me know either in a comment to this or in my email. I can’t help others if I don’t know where to direct them. I am willing to list info for different countries. If you have websites for Canada, England, Germany, Spain, anywhere, pass them on! Again you can get my the info through my comments section of this post or through my email. You can find my email information listed in the column to the right.

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