Archive for October, 2009


Posted October 31, 2009 By kmarrs

I feel like I haven’t updated in forever. Which is half true. I wrote a nice long update the other night about work. But then I took it down shortly after because it was about work and broke my no talking about work rule.

Most of my life this past week has been dedicated to feeling better. I got sick with a nasty cold, that we have nicknamed pig cold. Not to be confused with swine flu. Though now I’m starting to question the difference. I guess my fever isn’t high enough and my stomach isn’t upset enough for it to be swine flu. So pig cold works for now.

To make things all the more fun, I got an ear infection the other night. Let’s just say that few things are more painful. The entire right side of my head was throbbing in pain. It still honestly hurts even now. Though I’m trying to go without my pain meds. I was given Vicodin and it messes me up. It’s good stuff, don’t get me wrong. But I want to save it for when I really need it. Maybe I’ll pop one during my next migraine.

Anyway, I don’t want to make this a long winded rant about how I don’t feel good. So I’ll leave it what it is. I just wanted to touch base with the world.

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Posted October 22, 2009 By kmarrs

I’ve been borderline psychotic lately. I don’t know why, either. I’m getting plenty of sleep. I’m not menstrual. Well, I was but now I’m not and this has been going on for a couple of weeks. I’m not eating enough and I do get cranky when hungry, but I’ve had very little appetite as of late. Again, I don’t know why.

I’m wondering if I’m just really depressed. I feel a combination of depressed and numb. Like I’m too numb to fully be and feel depressed, but I’m too depressed to really feel numb.

I haven’t taken my morning meds in over a week. I just can’t seem to remember. I have notes posted to remind me and everything, but I still forget. I don’t know if I need to change up where the notes are or what. It’s like I’m so use to seeing them, I don’t see them anymore. But in the long run I’m missing my anti-depressant and half my mood stabilizer every day.

Is that enough to make me psychotic?

I’m taking my anti-psychotic.

Why am I still psychotic?

Pat is about at the ends of his limits with me. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t slept in days. He has his own health issues keeping him up at night. We are at each other’s throats. Taking turns with the tempers flaring.

I don’t even know what to say, besides I’ve been down right bitchy the past 2 weeks. Above and beyond bitchy. I don’t know why. I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s like I’m watching myself lash out at those I care about and I can’t seem to do anything more than just watch. I can’t stop it. I can’t change it. I just watch and apologize. Apologize to the point that my husband doesn’t want to hear it anymore.

I’m currently more prone to raging too. I don’t think I’ve gone into full blown rages. If I have I can’t recall them. Then again, I never can recall them. It’s kinda like I black out. I lose moments of time. Where as soon as it’s over I’ve forgotten it’s even happened.

I currently feel very vulnerable. And I know it’s my own fault.

I also feel like the world is egging me on. Like those around me are purposely pushing my buttons trying to make me explode. Rationally I know that can’t be true. No one likes me when I’ve exploded, but it’s still how I feel right now.

As of tonight I’m taking my anti-depressant at night with the rest of my meds. It’ll totally mess up my sleep schedule because that particular med wakes me up, but it’s all that I know to try. I can’t keep missing it and I can’t seem to get it taken in the morning. So what’s left? I’m still regularly missing half my mood stabilizer, but I think I survive off half the dose. I’m not giving up on remembering, this is just me acknowledging that I have a problem and I need to have a plan B. Plan B is take the one I’m completely missing later. It isn’t as good as plan A, which is to take meds twice a day, but it has to be good enough.

I’m also going to have to continue to take my Ambien almost nightly. It’s the only thing that can battle the PM norepinephrine (boosts energy) boost the anti-depressant gives me. These days I can’t get my mind to shut down without it anyways, so either way I’m stuck with a sleep aid.

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DBT Week 4 – Core Mindfulness

Posted October 21, 2009 By kmarrs

Taking Hold of the Mind: “How” Skills

Non judgmentally

  • See but don’t evaluate. Take a nonjudgmental stance. Just the facts. Focus on the “what” not the “good” or “bad”, the “terrible” or “wonderful”, the “should” or “should not”.
  • Unglue your opinions from the facts, from the “who, what ,where and when”.
  • Accept each moment, each event as a blanket spread out on the lawn accepts both the rain and the sun, and each leaf that falls upon it.
  • Acknowledge the helpful, the wholesome, but don’t judge it. Acknowledge the harmful, the unwholesome,but don’t judge it.
  • When you find yourself judging, don’t judge your judging.


  • Do one thing at a time. When you are eating, eat. When you are walking, walk. When you are bathing, bathe. When you are working, work. When you are in a group, or a conversation, focus your attention on the very moment you are in with the other person. Do each things with all your attention.
  • If other actions, or other thoughts, or strong feelings distract you, let go of the distractions and go back to what you were doing.
  • Concentrate your mind. If you find you are doing two things at once, stop and go back to one thing at a time.


  • Focus on what works. Do what needs to be done in each situation. Stay away from “:fair” and “unfair”, “right” and “wrong”, “should” and “should not”.
  • Play by the rules. Don’t “cut off your nose to spite your face”.
  • Act as skillfully as you can, meeting the needs of the situation you are in. Not the situation you wish you were in; not the one that is just; not the one that is more comfortable; not the one that…
  • Keep an eye on your objectives in the situation and do what is necessary to achieve them. Let go of vengeance, useless anger, and righteousness that hurts you doesn’t work.

Judging: Any labeling or evaluating of something as good or bad, valuable or not, as worthwhile or worthless. The essence of it is the valuing of things as more or less “good” or “bad”. Thinking of terms as “good” or “bad” can be harmful, may be an example of “all or nothing thinking”, and ignores that things and people have some “good” parts and some “bad” parts. It also is no necessary. An important mindfullness skill is not judging things in this manner, but to instead describe the consequences of what a person does. For example, “Your behavior is terrible” (judgmental) verses “your behavior is hurting me” (noticing consequences).

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Rat Baby Update

Posted October 17, 2009 By kmarrs

I haven’t said a damn word about the rats lately. I’m actually kinda surprised my cousin David hasn’t said anything about that fact. So I figured I’d update you all.

We are still at 5 rats. Our 4 boys and 1 baby girl. At some point I think we plan to get a second girl so Gabby isn’t alone any longer. We need to get a bigger cage for her first.

Speaking of bigger cages, we, meaning Pat, are in the process of building a bigger one for the boys. By building I mean the one we have the bars are too far apart and they can get out of it, so we are putting a layer of chicken wire around it. It’s a long grueling process because not only is chicken wire hard to work with but it can be sharp on the ends. Pat is being very careful and is taking his time to be sure it’s done right and safely. We don’t want our little guys cutting themselves on their new home. Once they have it though they will be in heaven because it’s nice and big and they will have room to run and play and climb. Their current cage doesn’t allow for that near enough.

They are all getting fat and seem to be happy. They also appear to be healthy. They eat will.

I also have provided them with thick cardboard tubes that the paper at work comes in on. They are big enough that 3 rats can fit in them at a time easy, 4 if they are squished. They enjoy sleeping in them and chewing them up.

I’ll provide pics of the new cage and the boys in it once it’s done. Gabby won’t be getting too many pics of her taken. She’s too skittish and shy. I don’t want to spook her with the camera and flash. It isn’t worth it.

Thomas seems to really enjoy them. When Pat cleans the cages, Thomas is usually in charge of being a jungle gym for the rats. I’ve walked down to the basement to find all 4 boys scaling the 6 year old at once. He’s pretty good with them. He moves kinda fast and is kinda loud, so he spooks them more than we’d prefer. But we’re working on that. What counts is that he’s gentle with them and gives them the attention they deserve. Even Gabby enjoys loving on him and she’s people shy. So if we can just slow him down and shut him up, the boy and the rats would be a match made in heaven.

And that’s the 411 on the rat babies.

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I’m Enjoying…

Posted October 17, 2009 By kmarrs

Amazing Photography

I don’t normally post the photography I come across. Simply put I’d have hundreds of posts a month on just that subject. And this isn’t the place for all that. But this one is something special.

It also got me thinking about my personal situation in life. We may not have a lot of money and we may need some help from my mom from time to time, but when it’s all said and done, my family is pretty lucky.

We have a stable roof over our head with just enough room to spread out.

We have enough food that meals aren’t being missed or rationed out. And at least one daily snack in between.

Bills are almost always getting paid. I throw that almost in there because mom has had to help with a couple cable bills recently. But those have had circumstances attached to them like me missing work to be hospitalized or for the flu. In the big scheme of things it isn’t like we are having to choose what bills get paid and which we can afford to skip. Hell, we even can afford the extra channels on our TV so TK can have his noggin and other cartoons and we have our showtime. They don’t add much but they do add to the bill.

We’ve even opened a netflix account. For 14$ a month we can watch all the movies we have time for. We only have to watch 3 movies a month to get our monies worth. With that math in mind we’ve watched enough to cover the next 12 months, in the first month alone. It helps that we can stream a few hundred selections right on our computers without waiting for them to show up in the mail. Pat has watched the first 2 seasons of Dexter that way. That alone is 6 months worth.

Our kids have enough toys. Not so many that it’s insane, but enough they can keep themselves entertained. We don’t buy them much in between events but between friends, family, and what we can afford, they get a decent amount on birthdays and holidays.

We even managed to get Thomas a warm coat (that will fit him through 3 winters, at that since we bought one that is kinda big on him, though not too big) and jammies to sleep in out of my meager paycheck that had only 3 days worked on it (from when I had the flu). So half the jammies and the coat were bought used. Who cares!?! They are in great shape and TK doesn’t know the difference.

I guess I’m just saying the situation we are in could be a lot worse. We could stand to have more and we don’t have many extras, but we have enough. And that’s really good enough.

Anyways, go check out that photography. Here’s the link again so you don’t have to scroll all the way back up.

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Jason Mayo

Posted October 17, 2009 By kmarrs

I wasn’t going to blog about this but I’m so excited, I don’t see how I could not. Jason Mayo from Out Numbered is following me on twitter. I’m a huge fan of his blog and enjoy it about as much as I enjoy Dooce and Daddy Scratches. So him paying me any attention, even just to follow me, is really really exciting for me. It means my own little blog is one step closer to being known. Which has me one step closer to getting word about BPD out there. One step closer to helping those who share my illness. And lord knows that what I’m here for. And maybe just maybe if Jason continues to follow me, next I can get Daddy Scratches and maybe even someday Dooce to follow me to and read my blog. And yes, as much as I’d love that personally, it really would help the cause I’m fighting for. I want BPD to be as commonly known about as bipolar and postpartum, and all the others. So few people know about Borderline Personality. They’ve heard of it, but they don’t know what it means. There are therapists in this world who refuse to treat it. Let me repeat myself here. There are THERAPISTS in this country and world who REFUSE to TREAT BPD because it is a challenge. And so it is my goal to make change, to get word out there and to help get treatment found for those who suffer from this terrible illness. And yes, Jason Mayo following me is 10 kinds of awesome and more than half of that is because it means my cause will be that much closer to being heard.

So Jason, if you actually read this thank you so much for taking notice of me. I’m a huge fan and really enjoy your little corner of the internet. Thank you.

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