I keep dreaming that I’m pregnant. It’s really frustrating. One part of me is wanting that 3rd baby, the rest of me knows the timing is not yet right. I’d have to go off all my meds, and I’m not ready for that. I told Pat that I would refuse the 3rd until we had a mini van. If we can’t afford that, we can’t afford a 3rd baby.

I had my first therapy session today. Not my first ever in my life, but first in this new series. I wasn’t able to see my old therapist so I have a new one now. But she teaches the DBT I go to, so I know her and she knows me and BPD really well. The first session was basic going over my file and my history. My next one will be going over my treatment plan and more of my history. I’ll be seeing her weekly to start. I find some comfort in that. Like I’ll be better behaved if I know I have someone to report to weekly.

DBT starts in September. I’m really excited. I miss the homework assignments with it.

My new therapist gives me homework . I’m happy about it. This week I’m suppose to analyze my rages and anger. We are looking for patterns so that I can better manage it in the future.

I got into a fight with my father. Well Pat and I did. He had a cow when we showed up home with 4 more rats after he spent 91$ on meat for the house hold. We finally got him to realize we spent 20$ or so on rats and Thomas got 20$ from his grandmother, Pat’s mom, for his birthday. And dad does grocery shopping every week, we just suggested meat because it was something we didn’t have much of. Dad took it to mean financial emergency when in reality we were just guiding his inevitable grocery purchase. Anyway that’s how it started and it led to all sorts of dirty laundry being hauled out. Dad actually yelled which is scary because I think that’s only the second time I’ve seen him yell. Normally he just passive aggressively sulks.

Things are better now. A half hour after the fight dad came down and we talked calmly. He’s actually going to consider disability even. It’ll take us a year to get him to that point, but this is a huge start to it.

I myself am looking to file. Usually you have to be unemployed but there are loop holes for those who are employed but there ability to do their job is compromised because of their disability. It isn’t that I don’t want to work. I’m just not able to handle the 30-40 hours a week required of me. I’d do better at like 20. Just enough to get out of the house some.

It’s taking tremendous amounts of energy every day to function as well as I do. And I function just enough to get the bare minimum of life done. I’m on the verge of losing my job over it, though I’m pulling through and doing better there. I love my job too much to lose it so fear helps my functioning. I also fear I’m going to lose my family over it. But so far I haven’t.

I need to get back to bed so I’m going to end this ramble.

Sleep well, everyone.