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Let Me Explain It Like This

Maybe I’ll come off a little less monster like.

I’m suicidal. Very much so. I don’t have a “plan”. I don’t intend to act upon any plan I might come up with. I am suicidal though.

I am also battling it. I’m battling it one day at a time. Trying to find something in each day and the next to look forward to. To live for. Playing DnD, birthday parties,trips to the park. Something, anything to make every given day special.

Yes I KNOW my kids make each day special. Stop saying and thinking that. I already know they are worth living for.

I have to find a reason outside of them to live. A reason for me because I want to live not because someone else wants me to live. If I live for them, I resent them for trapping me.

So please hear me that I know how wonderful my family is and I do love them dearly. But my kids can’t pull me through this.

I have to pull me through this.

But days like yesterday are hard.

Days like today are a little less hard because I at least have constant distraction of something to do.

Days like Friday will be easy. I get to buy a new rat cage. I get to play DnD. Two things I enjoy to pull me through.

Right now it’s the little things.

3 Comments

  1. Comment by tracy:

    Oh, Karen…is there anyone you can get some help from? i am really concerned and worried for you…these are not just "innocent" ramblings…you need to get some help…now! Call someone, anyone. Do you have a doctor you feel comfortable contacting? A therapist? psychiatrist? Please, please help yourself!

  2. Comment by Kim from Canada:

    You are going to have days like this. Not much that can be done about it except to get through it. Sounds trite, but really is the crux. It's *how* you get through it that's important. Don't feel like you've failed if the day is bad and you barely make it. You made it. Sometimes that's all you can ask for. And sometimes all we get is the little things and looking forward to something.

    Plus, part of the struggle is figuring out what part of the problem is. Looks like you've done that.

    You are not a monster, but people who love you who read this blog get concerned when they read that you are close to suicide. Don't feel obligated or resentful – find joy in that love – reassure them too..

    Hang in there. Advice worth every penny you paid, no refunds!

    ps: email me with pix of your ratties!

  3. Comment by She Who Is:

    Kim

    I will as soon as I get home, assuming I remember.

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