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Having Calmed Down…

I need to point out a few things.

I’ve been suicidal off and on since I was 15ish. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes it has triggers. Sometimes it’s too much free time on my hands to think and get lost in my head. I’m not currently a danger to myself. I don’t want to be alive but I won’t kill myself no matter how much I think of it. If I was going to, I wouldn’t be posting about it up here.

Why did I post about it here?

This blog deals with EVERYTHING someone with BPD deals with. That includes suicidal thoughts and desires. This blog wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t post that up.

I had a bad couple of days where I really really really really wanted to hurt myself. I didn’t, but I wanted to. This blog would be a lie if I didn’t share that. I post what I’m thinking, how I’m thinking it, when I’m thinking it. That is this blogs point.

My cousin Scott pointed out I’m in a rut. Yes, that is true. What am I doing about it? I’m finding 1 thing each day to look forward to. Yesterday it was the look of joy in my kids’ faces when I got home from work. The “OMGWEEEE SHE’S HOME!” effect. Some days it’s better than others. However it’s the best part of my work day. Knowing I was missed. Today I’m looking forward to playing DnD. It’s my adults only time with the boys. I really enjoy playing my gnome warrior (Er, fighter barbarian… she is not Dygs my WoW toon… right…). Anyway, I really enjoy DnD so I look forward to it each week. I don’t know what I’ll look forward to tomorrow. I’ll figure that out tomorrow. Maybe Pat will take me to see Harry Potter (huge fan, get over it) tomorrow.

Anyway I really got side tracked.

I also wanted to point out my support system. I have a wonderful therapist and a meds doctor that I can call if I get bad. I’m also willing to go back to the hospital if I get really bad. I’m not really bad.

Then of course there are my friends and family. They’ve been with me through thick and thin and they won’t let anything happen to me. They won’t let me happen to me.

So in short, I’m ok. Had a couple bad days. Today is a good day. Or I’m working on it being one. I’ve gotten out of the house, showered and played with my boys. It’s an ok day.

4 Comments

  1. Comment by Sid:

    It's so good that you have a support system that "won't let me happen to me", which is a great way to phrase it because that's exactly what happens.

  2. Comment by She Who Is:

    No one can hurt me more than I can.

  3. Comment by Anonymous:

    You seriously sound in need of a 12 step program otherwise you will not get control of your life.

    Meds do not fix everything

  4. Comment by She Who Is:

    Anony-
    I'm in some intense therapy as well as DBT. I don't JUST take meds.

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