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Today Did Not Go As Planned

The plan for the day was to sleep in, shower, dress, make-up, leave the house at noon, be at park by half past noon, and then play the afternoon away. My mom was going to meet us there after church with the boys, since they spent Saturday night with her.

15 minutes before we leave for said park I realize I’ve missed a work related call. I call the store to find out lab associate X has pink eye and will not be in.

SHIT.PISS.FUCK.FINE

I grab a work shirt, don’t bother with the rest of my uniform and in I go. To find the place dead. Bored out of my skull dead. I grin and bear it till about 2:30 but as soon as it’s obvious the after church rush wasn’t happening, I leave with best wishes to the sales floor.

I get home at about 3 with the brilliant idea that we’d hit the grocery store, use what’s left of our food stamps on a picnic, grab the boys from mom’s and hit the park as planned, just later.

And most of that worked just fine. The slight problem with that plan was that this is graduation weekend. The park was PACKED. We were able to find a quiet picnic table to eat our food. And that went rather well. Thomas and Pat tried and did not like sushi. Luke mangled a sandwich and ate chips as cutely as possible. But the playground? Yeah, not happening. So we packed it back up and came home.

I guess the good news is that the point of our standing Sunday park day if for the boys, specially Luke who is cooped up all day every day, to get some fresh air. Which is exactly what they did all day at mom’s house.

So I guess it wasn’t a total bust.

It just didn’t go as planned.

I did get to assert my authority today and demand a doctor’s note from lab employee X. The story just seemed fishy, mostly because that will be the second time in like 3 months that he’s had pink eye. I’m suppose to get that note Wednesday. And you know, since it is proven true, I’m really cool. I mean he can’t work with it and it’s my job to fill in. I just want to be sure it’s known last minute not sure if your ass is covered call offs isn’t cool with me. But if you honestly can’t work, you honestly can’t work.

Hell, I called off one Sunday because Pat and Luke were sick and I knew Pat needed a sick day. But I made sure my shift was covered before I actually called off.

That was the day I was taken to the hospital, come to think of it. I was mostly pissed because…

Do you want me to get into this?

See Pat was sick so I gave him a break. However, Pat wasn’t apparently as sick as I thought so he made plans with Jesse leaving me home alone with the boys. That was the final straw in my breakdown and it led to a temper tantrum which lead to repressed anger coming out which led to rage which led to me freaking out that I wanted to be hospitalized but I didn’t think it was possible because of the logistics of affording the time off to work.

Pat called Jesse. Jesse agreed to cover our bills with his emergency fund, and I was carted off to the hospital.

And the last straw ended up being something so completely stupid. But the fact that it could get me THAT worked up…. I needed the break the hospital offered.

It’s amazing how many days don’t go as planned. Logistically I should just stop making plans and go with the flow. But I think I’d combust if I had to do that. I’m the type of person that thrives on a schedule. I have to know what will happen and when. So going with the flow and taking it one minute at a time just doesn’t work. And changing the schedule at the last minute throws me all out of sync. I don’t like change anyway but if you are changing one of the essential core ingredients to my existence, aka my schedule… I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I think my need for a schedule comes from my inability to be bored. And I think that is based on what Bella said. I already posted it but I’m going to look it up and re-post it.

“The main characteristic of BPD is that it’s defined by impulsivity. Everything in you life is a reaction to stimulus.”

I think one of my biggest fears and setbacks is not having stimulus to react to. Which is why my day has such set planning. I need to know when I’m doing what, what I’m doing next, when I’m going home, everything. I need to have the next stimulus planned before the current one is up.

Example whenever I’m done with this post, I’m going to the bathroom and then I’m going to take my meds and eat something because I forgot to take my meds at dinner because I was at the park and then I’m going to sit down and finish the one book I’m on and start the next. I even know which book I’m reading next.

And no, I really can’t handle anyone changing that plan.

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