Archive for May, 2009

Dear Mother, Mother of All…

Posted May 28, 2009 By kmarrs

I have a little prayer I say when I need to. It usually involves a sick kid and me asking for the strength needed to take care of what I have to do.

It varies in it’s wording depending on the situation.

“Dear Mother, Mother of all, please help me have the strength to take care of our (mine, Pat’s and hers) child. ” (and his damn toe)
“Dear Mother, Mother of all, please give me the strength to not kill our children, I want grandchildren.” (That one is in jest, but she has kids so she understands.)

I pretty much always get my answer. Quietly, non-obtrusively, as if it could have been there all along and I didn’t need to ask. But I always say thank you and give credit where credit it due.

Tonight, however, was a little different.

Luke was showing signs of an ear infection so I took him to a local after hours. We’re suppose to go to the zoo tomorrow so I needed to know if that trip was being put on hold. (That and I don’t mess around when my kids are sick. I may be the worlds worst mother but don’t come between me and a doctor when my kid may need one.) So we get there and have little wait in the waiting room where there are actual toys and get called back to one of the rooms. Where we proceed to wait for what felt like an hour, with a toddler who is already up past his bedtime. You see the problem?

Tonight’s prayer went like this:

“Dear Mother, Mother of all please help our child get through this.”

And I muttered it over and over for about 5 minutes while holding a screaming child to my body. Then I got the bright idea to twitter it, which I never did do. Then it dawned on me! My phone! My phone is the one thing I could pull out of my purse that wouldn’t hurt him that would also entertain him for an indefinite amount of time.

Tonight’s second prayer went like this:

“Dear Mother, Mother of all, please don’t let him hurt it.”

I got that one out about twice when it dawned on me I could turn the mp3 function on and then lock the keys back up. I wonder what will happen?

What happened is that he sat there quietly with my damn phone pressed to his ear for about 10 minutes before the doctor finally entered the room.

Thank you Mother, Mother of all.

Oh, and Luke is just fine.

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Today…

Posted May 28, 2009 By kmarrs

Today I’m feeling a little bit better. I’m not sure in which way. I just feel like I have better and more control of my head.

Even Pat says I’m doing much better.

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I’m Reading…

Posted May 28, 2009 By kmarrs

Dragon’s Eye by James A Hetley.

It’s a magical fantasy fiction dealing with witches, magic, dragons, sorcerers, and family feuds. Pick it up if you want to witness the magic.

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Plee

Posted May 27, 2009 By kmarrs

Please bare with me. I swear I’m not a bad person and I’m really not a bad mother. I’m going through a tough time but I’m working on it.

I’m doing my best to keep my distance from my boys atm. Pat wants me to move out for a couple of weeks. I don’t know if that is possible but it’s a consideration.

On the 10th I go back to my meds doctor. We are getting me off Celexa and onto and anti-depressant that works better.

I go into therapy sometime soon. No, I don’t know when but it’s in the process.

I go back to DBT in September. That’s the soonest I can get in.

I have a battle plan.

Please bare with me.

I’m just really depressed and it really hurts.

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2 months psycho

Posted May 26, 2009 By kmarrs

I’ve been accused of being really psycho the past two months. I’m not sure why. My best guess is, it has to do with the fact I’ve grown increasingly suicidal the past 2 months. I’ve said I’m not, I don’t like admitting I am. I don’t like the freaking out that comes with. Lucky for me my husband isn’t one to react to those words, so I guess it’s only the internet’s reaction I have to deal with.

The fact is, over the past 2 months, if not longer, I’ve grown increasingly suicidal to the point that I now have a plan. I don’t know that it’s a good one. I don’t know that it would work, but it’s a plan none the less.

Will I act on the plan? Probably not. Why? What I’m about to say makes me at first a good mother, and then a horrible one once the reality of what I’m about to say sinks in.

I can’t kill myself because I have two kids depending on me. Which in a way causes me to resent them. I don’t want to resent them. I’d be happier not resenting them. I’d be a better person for not resenting them.

But as the past few months have gone by and I’ve grown more suicidal, my resentment of my children has grown. And now that I have a plan, I can barely stand to be in the same room with them.

Then I start looking at the fact that I’m abusive and it makes me hope that my beautiful children would be better off without me.

And who, dear internet, can I talk to about all this? Who has the patience to see me through this to the other side? Another side where I love my kids and would never dream of hurting them. A side where I don’t resent them, and instead enjoy them. There is another side to me and I am searching for it.

The problem is, I currently hardly have the motivation to take a shower, and indeed haven’t in 4 or 5 days. So the motivation to do anything but lie there and attempt to smother myself with my pillow (doesn’t work, the panic kicks in when it’s finally working) is about as much motivation that I can come up with.

On another note, my husband has accused me of being obsessed with BPD. And to prove I’m not I’m suppose to step away from this blog. I have made a decision. If I am indeed obsessed, and who am I of sound mind to judge that, then at least I’m striving to help someone with my obsession. I’m striving to get solid information out there as to what this illness is about. And if that makes me obsessed, then I see obsessed as a good thing.

Besides, it keeps me going. I don’t have motivation to eat, but something at least has my attention. Verses withering away in bed.

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Supportive?

Posted May 26, 2009 By kmarrs

I no longer know if I’m being Supportive of Karen, or being an enabler…

all I know is that I’m Miserable, Unhappy, and don’t know how to handle any/all of this any more.

I’m scared of talking around her because I’m not sure what id say out of Anger, or out of love for that matter.

every other word out of her mouth these days brakes my heart and fills me full of questions I’m scared of getting the answers too…

Ive heard the Cliche “I Love you, but I’m no longer IN love with you…” but right now Its backwards for me… Im very much in love with Karen. But I dont like who she has become in just a few months time, and im finding it very hard to love her.

every once in a while she does somthing as simple as stretching and yawning and my heart flutters…

Is it the meds that have changed her? Her obsession with BPD? RL Stress Building up?

All I know is, this change is not for the better.

or maybe I have it backwards again and this change is better for her. its just not better for me and the Boys. maybe it was a bad idea for her to marry someone like me and have children so young and now she is growing up and feeling stuck.

the only thing im sure of is I’m not Happy… every thing else is Obscured by “if’s” and “Maybe’s”

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