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Why?

Why do I tell Pat stuff I know will hurt him? Why do I post stuff I know will haunt him?

It’s simple really. The truth keeps me honest. I can day dream about someone rescuing me. But my rational mind knows it can’t happen. So my rational mind confesses to keep my irrational mind honest and from doing something I know I’ll regret. And yes, there are people I know who trigger my irrational mind more than others. But the second I’m hiding things from Pat is when I’m in too deep. A fantasy is just a fantasy and won’t hurt anyone. But with my illness I’m ruled by impulses… and aren’t all fantasies ruled by impulses carried out in the brain?

As for why I post this shit… It’s the more deep to the core personal stuff, that really showcases what this illness can do to a person. I can talk about splitting till I’m blue to the face. But without proper examples, what’s the point?

Remember, I don’t do anything to hurt people on purpose. My intense fear of rejection won’t allow for that.

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