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The Who is Not a Band

Back when I first made this I was afraid to let my hubby read it. Not because I had any dark secrets, but because I needed to be able to rant and have him not read about it. And that’s a great theory. But I’ve come to realize 2 things. First off, most of what I need to rant about he should read. If not so that he can fix it or do better, then to allow him to be aware of my influences. Second, I fully expected to rant about Andrew, the who. But a couple of months have passed, and I’ve toyed with delving into that, but in the end I have limited interest.

So here’s that situation in a nut shell.

Pat and I were having marital issues.
We separated and were headed for divorce.
I met Andrew.
Andrew and I started talking.
We started talking a lot.
We became good if not best friends.
Feelings formed.
Feeling grew.
There were a couple of dates and some messing around.
I feel in love with Andrew, to an extent that still scares me. (Because I don’t recall falling like that for anyone else yet I have so it shows how selective my memory is.)
Pat begged me to take him back.
I gave him a chance.
I was hospitalized from depression.
I realized in the hospital I didn’t want to be married to him so I told him such.
He moved out of my mom’s house where we were living.
I started things back with Andrew.
I had sex with Andrew.
I moved in with Pat.
Not because I thought things would work, but because I was a mess and needed Pat’s help and not while under my manipulative mother’s roof.
Somewhere along the line I realized that while I wasn’t infatuated with Pat like I was Andrew, I still loved him, he was my best friend, and I wanted to grow my family with him.
I decided to make my marriage work.
Things ended with Andrew.
We don’t even talk now.
And I learned that the person I fell for, is not who he really is.

Is the made up imaginary Andrew built in my schizotypal mind a threat to my marriage? Not really, I’m happy with Pat. Even on our bad days, I want to be with Pat.

Is the real Andrew a threat to my marriage? Not in a million.

Am I still sensitive to his existence? Yes, and I hate it. But I just can’t get past being uncomfortable with my husband talking about my vibrator over vent to Jesse, Andrews brother, with Andrew listening. And it isn’t because I don’t want Andrew to hear. It’s because the entire situation throws me back in my memory of past conversations that I really don’t want to think up. Not because I wish for them. But because I’d really rather leave the memories in the past, where they belong.

It flat out doesn’t help that Andrew will never be able to be fully out of my life. His brother is one of me and Pat’s closest friends. Andrew and Pat are acquaintances. There is no full separation. So I get thrown into memories almost daily in a way I really don’t want to be. I don’t like it. And I’m hoping it eventually stops. I just tell myself daily that it wasn’t real. None of it was real. I was just a cheap thrill. LOL I’m thrilled I can say that and think that and not care. Because it means I really finally don’t care.

Pat, is understandably, paranoid.

And it is one of my biggest goals in life, right after happy healthy children and a successful career, to show him that he never need worry again.

And that’s the rant. Only without the rant. So that’s the bleh? I’m not angry or hurt or frustrated anymore. I don’t regret, it served it’s purpose. If nothing else, it lit a fire under Pat to fight for me and that brought along changes that needed to happen for us to stay married. With the added bonus of me discovering parts of myself long past forgotten.

I don’t love Andrew. I don’t like Andrew. I miss my former best friend, but even that person is a figment of my imagination. And has since been filled in with much better imaginative friends.

So the question is, do I give Pat the link to this? I vote yes. I have nothing to hide.

Pat says the more I even mention it, the more it gives him right to be paranoid. And I do realize he’s right. So maybe this entry will have him in tears of hurt and frustration. I asked for it. But maybe a few bits and pieces of it will show him where I’m coming from a little bit better. Either way I’m done talking about it.

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