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The Drive Behind

The conversation posted the other day probably should not have been posted. It was a BPD act fueled by a desire to do whatever I could to get Pat to listen to me. The intentions were good, that doesn’t make the post right. And yet it remains up. Pat and I discussed it. It’s existence is right on for what someone with BPD would and will do. For that purpose, this blog needs it to stay. Somewhere somehow, it’ll prove it’s point and purpose. So it stays.

The heath problem in question is looking more exhaustion based and not caffeine. So yes, Pat is fine.

I never meant to imply that Pat didn’t think I work hard. Though I did. I know he knows how hard I work. I just wish I could get across that I’m not always up to coming home and immediately jumping into my second job. Sometimes I just need to unwind. Work is stressful. So is being mom. Even on my days off of work, I’m still mom. I don’t get breaks from both, ever. He does. That makes me bitter. But I still understand. So when he stayed in bed during my one break of being able to sleep in, I was pissed. And when pissed I act childish.

I don’t really think Pat sees me as one of his kids. I do think that I feel like I always have to ask permission for everything. I have to ask to stop somewhere on the way home, to grab a nap to sleep off a headache or meds, or anything really. For a long time I countered this by at least being in control of the money. But now he does that too. And he’s good with it. But I’m powerless under my own roof. I can’t discipline the kids without risk of his objection. I’m told how to mother, how to exist. It gets frustrating. At the same time, I’m ruled by selfishness and impulses. So to what degree do I need it? Things could still stand to be a bit more balanced. And maybe at some point I can show him he can trust me. Maybe after a few months of not longer needing naps from exhaustion, he’ll understand the next migraine one. We’ll see.

So I’m sorry. I really am. But I have no regrets. We learn from everything. And I learned I needed to make this post. And you learned people with BPD are irrational.

Lesson learned.

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