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Borderline Personality Doisorder and My Past

Back-to-the-PastIt annoys the hell out of me that I can’t find an environmental reason for my BPD. I have trouble accepting that a stupidly simple collection of chemicals in my head can control so much. And it isn’t like I am suppressing childhood trauma. My memory may be crap, but I know my family was loving and validating. So I guess I do have some negative childhood memories. But most of them seem like they would be the result of BPD and not the cause.

I remember being very young, I’m guessing 5, and being more upset than usual about being left at daycare. Mom assured me that she’d leave work early so that she could pick me up early. I spent the day telling everyone who would listen that mom would be there early. I couldn’t eat lunch, I was expecting mom. I couldn’t nap, I was expecting mom. To me early meant she’d only be gone a couple of hours. I was very hurt when early meant I was picked up and hour earlier than usual. To me she might as well not have bothered because what was the difference?

I remember being I’d guess about 8 and some neighborhood kids throwing some eggs at my bedroom window. Now they weren’t targeting us or well me specifically. Most likely they were left over from egging someone else and my window was the random target. But I was very bothered by it.

When we lived in DC I had a teen aged babysitter named Mary. I was very attached to her. It really hurt me when we moved and I Had to leave her behind.

Baba would be the same. She was a second mom to me. So moving and leaving her behind was devastating.

I remember mom and dad leaving town for a week and leaving me with Baba. That in itself didn’t bother me, if I recall. I felt safe and secure with her. But one night I got up after I had been put to bed and went potty. A few minutes later I felt like I had to pee again so I did. The toilet flushing twice made her husband believe I was playing and he hollered for Baba. Baba scolded me I’d imagine for playing. I don’t remember the details. What I do remember is that the next night when I had to pee after I’d been put to bed, I was so scared to get up I wet the bed and didn’t tell anyone. The next morning I changed my cloths and my bed was dry by that night. But I was really upset about the whole thing.

I remember when I was old enough to read during elementary school I literally took a bag of books with me everywhere. I remember in daycare I’d have “my spot” where I’d just sit and read the entire time I was there. I remember sometimes during the summer when I’d be told to put my books away and forced to play with the other kids and with the daycare’s toys. I was really upset over this. I just wanted left alone.

I remember in 6th grade a group of about 3-5 girls who made me their target. They’d talk harsh to me in class. And in the halls I was the subject of hair pulling, pinching, kicking, basic bully crap. I felt victimized.

I remember in about 3rd grade my teacher telling me I needed to stop reading so much.

I remember getting very attached to teachers. I’d spend a lot of recess time hanging around them and talking to them. I remember one of my teachers not taking to this well at all. But I enjoyed their company more than the other kids.

I remember in 5th grade after we moved and I switched schools inviting 2 of my friends from the old school to a sleep over. One of them was my best friend. Both said they would come. One canceled last minute. So I sat outside for over an hour waiting for the other to arrive. She never did. I don’t remember why.

I remember in 7th and 8th grade Beth T dragging me to all the school dances. That always ended in misery. I don’t remember what happened. Sometimes I was abandoned and left to myself. Other times lord only knows. But I usually spent my time hiding with the janitors crying in the part of the school blocked off to the dance. Thank God Mr Cook was so understanding and got me out of there till my mom could rescue me.

I remember when I introduced my female friends to Kyle. I had them all over to my birthday party in 8th grade. Then a few months later Ashley had a party. I wasn’t invited even though I was part of that group. Kyle however, was. He didn’t go to our school and Ashley wouldn’t have even known him if I hadn’t invited him to my party.

There is more, much more but my mind is drawing blanks atm.

2 Comments

  1. Comment by Rachel:

    I remember the window egg thing vividly, and I only remember it because I felt so hurt that you were hurting. I remember feeling so rejected when I wanted to try and make you feel better but you told me to go away.
    I remember the “spot” at daycare. A big tree was painted on that wall and you sat under it for hours. Daycare was hard for me as well in different ways that I remember feeling envious that it seemed like you were having no trouble gliding through it. I was punished everyday for not eating my food and so with everyone sitting against the wall watching me I had to pick up and put away every toy in the room. As part of my punishment I wasn’t given one of the older kids at nap time to rub my back till I fell asleep. I wet my pants a lot because the bathroom stalls didn’t have doors and it scared me. Plus when I did ask to go to the bathroom they would say no…..? Oh and Miss Jody pulled my ear every day she saw me and actually split my ear away from my head enough that I had to go to the doc with a horrible infection. God…and all the times I was held down and they would force peas down my throat….then I would get punished because it made me throw up on them. Like I said, I envied your ability to be a wall flower with your books.
    One time you had a sleep over with friends and I wasn’t allowed to be there too. You would yell for mom if I even got close. I wanted so badly to be in on your life. I hid on dads work space couch and watched you guys over the railing with fascination before I got caught. I had been there so long watching in awe that I had given myself a huuuge arm hickey with out realizing.
    The BPD took my sister from me. I always had a door slamming in my face or you yelling at me to go fuck off. It was hard not having friends OR a sister to help me through it. I’ve done a lot of horrible things to you as well but I’m just happy now that we are finding that lost relationship.

    • Comment by kmarrs:

      Rachel, I am so very sorry. I had no idea you felt any of this or what that awful daycare did to you! I missed it all because I was hiding from it all in my books. Do you remember the sleepover at the small house before mom got remarried where I invited 3 people who all said they’d come? I sat on the curb for what felt like an hour waiting for just even one guest and no one ever came.

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