Archive for 2008

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Thomas to me: You’re crazy sometimes but I still love you.

Pat: Bubby, you and I just bonded on a whole new level. No one before has ever understood me as well as you did just now.

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I don’t enjoy stepping on cheerios on my goddamn bedroom floor.

I know it’s where you and the youngest spend half the day, and where he eats his meals, but come ON! Please start picking them the fuck up. Or at least buy as the damn dog we all want.

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Stepping on hot wheels does not make a momma happy. Pick up your damn room, boy!

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Stop trying to feed me noodles. I don’t like noodles. I’ve never liked noodles. I’m never going to like noodles. I don’t care that momma and brother like noodles. Noodles are poison. And poison might kill me. I know it’s poison. You know it’s poison. Just because momma and brother eat noodles, doesn’t mean it isn’t poison. I don’t like noodles. I like goldfish crackers. Not noodles. Next time you take me to the noodle place, bring goldfish. Goldfish aren’t poison. Noodles are poison. I don’t like poison.

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There is no better unexpected and random middle of the night snack than: warm baby cheeks

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Husband:
I’ve been married to Pat for 5 years now. Getting close to 6, really. I’m not really sure what to say.

In a later post I’ll go into detail about the separation we went through a few years back. The what, where, when, why, how and who. Oh dear god the who. I think the who might be the sole reason I have not planed to make my husband a reader of this blog. And it isn’t even that there is anything remaining. Because there isn’t. Nothing real anyways. All I have left is a memory of who I thought he was, and the reality is not something I’d ever want. But he is SO FUCKING PARANOID that I can’t even mention the who without him breaking out into hives and freaking the fuck out. And I understand his paranoia. I mean first and foremost, I earned it. I get that. No, really. I get it. But I also get that he can’t help but be paranoid.

Here is the thing. My husband is disabled, mentally. He has, in no certain order; Post traumatic stress disorder (from his childhood. Yeah.), autism, ADHD and about 4 other anxiety disorders. Bottom line, my husband can barely function. In most ways. In others he is amazing. There is no other man on this planet I’d rather raise my babies with. His babies. Our babies. I married him because he was my best friend and because I wanted to build a family with him. Due to being disabled, he is an amazing stay at home father to our 2 boys. He makes it look easy. He struggles with it time to time, but I dare you to show me one person who doesn’t. To top it off I swear to the high heavens the man could be a gourmet chef. So really, I’m cool with him being home with the kids.

We like to joke that he is my “chick with a dick” or my “bitch with balls”. In many ways he is very feminine. And damn proud of it. These qualities bring to the relationship a man who is more attentive and aware than your average man.

On the down side his ADHD has discovered the world of online gaming. And while I never doubt the boys and I are the most important parts of his life, I do find myself in the eternal power struggle between me and the games he plays. It doesn’t help that in the real world he is too anxious to step out of the house most days, but online when he can hide behind a computer and a character, he is a literal social butterfly. We all have our vices, gaming is his. Lucky for me, while I’m not as hardcore, I too am a gamer. So we are able to share that for as long as my attention span allows me.

Enough about him. The most of what you need to know is he is a great guy. Flawed, but perfect for what I need him to be: mine.

The kids:
Thomas is 5 and Luke is almost 1.

Thomas is a boys, boy into cars, super heroes, and online gaming like his parents.

He is as smart as can be and soaks in information as if it were oxygen, as long as he’s interested to learn it. If he doesn’t care you can teach him till you are blue in the face, but his mind is else where. Luckily this year he’s decided he wants to learn his letters. Prompted when most of his friends went to kindergarten this year, but he had a third year of preschool. Mind you he was just barely old enough to go and that’s why we kept him back, but the extra year for a head start seems to be paying off. He’s upfront that his favorite “class” is muscles and he hates music. My bet, he’ll be playing football like his father and not the flute (or any instrument) like me.

He is smarter than both his father and I, and has proven it on many occasion. Almost daily. He is quick with a cleaver, and usually cute, response to anything you tell him. And has inspired many a phone call starting with “I have to tell you what he said this time”. I knew I was in trouble when at about 13 months he flipped over the dog dish so that he could better reach the counter. He’s only gotten smarter, and climbed higher, since.

His current obsessions in life include: ironman, optimus prime, drawing, his digital camera (kid tough as it is) and playing online games like/with daddy.

Luke is a terror of a toddler. He was taught early by his big brother the proper ways to be hyper, sassy and how to beg for food. And beg for food he does. There are few things the kid won’t eat. Lucky for him, we got orders from his doctor to fatten him up. Best goddamn doctor on the planet. I like my baby chubby and his thighs ham like.

Speaking of his hams, I’m been “nomming” my baby from the day he left the womb. I’ve accidentally left teeth marks before just for him to giggle with glee and nom right back. Indeed, he has been taught from birth that nomming is a sign of affection. Affection that he gladly returns.

He’s currently learning to: stand, walk, talk and “attack bubby”. While he’s a novice in most of these, he’s learning fast and will be walking, talking and attacking before we know it.

His current obsessions in life include: Momma, eating, refusing to nap and chewing books.

That’s all for now. I have more family to cover but I think I’ve rambled enough.

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I’ve done the blog thing before. Many times, actually. And they have even gotten me in trouble in time’s past. I’m not so sure why this will be different.

One of 2 things will happen. I’ll either be terrified of this being read and will sensor myself. Or I’ll be open and honest just to indeed have this read and I’ll be screwed.

So why bother? Mostly because I’m no longer in any sort of therapy or treatment and I’m a mental and emotional mess. I have no interest in going back to therapy, and I know writing to be helpful. So I guess you could say I’m hoping this to be the next best thing.

That, and to be blatantly honest, I’m a little jealous of Julie and Heather. And while I could never dream to have the following they do… to impact even one person with my writing would be amazing. They have the infertility and ex-Mormon markets covered, so I’ll aim for what I know.

What do I know? I guess we’ll figure that out together. Judging by the title I picked I’m assuming I know Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Having lived with it for most my life now, that does seem like a solid beginning to a foundation of my knowledge. So we’ll start with that.

But another day. For now I want to figure this site out and customize some shit. There is plenty of time in the future to ramble about my demons and devils.

(Edit: I plan to spend the next few days introducing myself, my family, my world and my illness. My goal is to get who I am and how I got here covered in a series of intros so that I can jump right into the day to day on the 1st of the year.)