BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

School Plans

Posted February 18, 2019 By kmarrs

When I got really sick this past Fall and had to drop a class, I thought I was giving up on graduating this summer. But I worked the numbers, rearranged my planned classes, doubled up on course load for about 12 weeks, and I’m due to walk that stage this coming August.

I am NOT looking forward to the double course load. That will about do me in. However, I’m out of loan money so I need to go full-time anyway to get all my grant money and I need to graduate.

After I graduate this summer with my Bachelor’s in applied Psychology, I will take a couple of years off while I study for my GRE, take it, and then apply for grad school. During that time I hope to work a 9 to 5 as a receptionist or something. Maybe later hours. But still, something along those hours that isn’t retail.

Then the goal is to get accepted to OSU and study General Psychology for a masters, then for my Doctorate.

My end goal with all of that is to administer tests to diagnose, especially women, with ADHD and Autism.

So that’s the plan!

But first I need to survive about 12 weeks of hell. Though there is about 24 weeks of school total in my immediate future. Starting around now.

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Cinderella Tea Party

Posted February 14, 2019 By kmarrs

The district’s high school’s drama club is putting on a production of Cinderella in a few weeks. As a means of drumming up interest in the production, they hosted a Cinderella Tea Party for all the little kids in the district. It was on a Sunday afternoon and there wasn’t any real reason I couldn’t take Sammy, so away we went!

It was 5$ per kid (parents free) at the door, but that earned us unlimited access to the buffet of snacks and all the activities, so I consider it 5$ well spent.

The first thing we did when the doors opened was go and get her face painted. She wanted kitty whiskers and a black nose and it turned out super cute.

Then we hit the buffet! There was table after table piled high with snacks. Most of it was pure sugar and the kids were handed a plate, told to help themselves, and encouraged to pile them high. It was a sugar rush to end all sugar rushes.

After snacks, we went around to different activities. She crafted herself a crown and a magic wand. She ran an obstacle course. She played cornhole and bowled. She decorated a sugar cookie with pink frosting and sprinkles, then promptly ate it. There was also a little photo booth where it looked like she was sitting in Cinderella’s carriage.

She had a blast.

Then about 20 minutes before the event was over, the cast, who had been making rounds through the crowd the entire time, gathered and performed a few songs from their musical. They did a fabulous job.

I really enjoyed the quality time with Sammy. It got us out of the house and let her socialize with kids her age for awhile, outside of school. I got to see her at her happiest and playing with others. Turns out my kid is really creative and kind. She brings me such joy!

I took probably 3 dozen photos in all, but I narrowed them down to 6 to share with you. Please enjoy my daughter’s happiness!

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Growth

Posted February 11, 2019 By kmarrs

So many people will tell you that high school was the best time of their lives.

Or I’ll look at the pressures of being an adult and wish I could be 7-years-old again.

But when I really reflect and meditate on it, while I didn’t have to worry about making rent when I was 7, I was not exactly a worry free child.

Right now, at this point in my life, I have more true friendship than I have ever before had. I’ve always been so fucking lonely. So lonely. But now? I have more friends than I can count. And while I would seriously benefit from a local best friend, that is no longer a dire need.

I have made so many friends on Tumblr that I can honestly say that my life is overflowing with love. I’m also on a few discord servers where I have everything from casual acquaintances I’m getting to know better, to those that I’ve really become good friends with.

Life is not easy right now. We are so finacially dependent on my mother and it is the most depressing thing. Additionally, any therapist will tell you that access to fun money is important. I’m not talking like hundreds of dollars. But even like 20$ a paycheck that can go towards seeing a movie, or buying a book you’ve been eyeing. And that just does not exist for me right now. Not without going further into debt. And it’s depressing.

But I feel like… with the power of friendship on my side there is less… well, not less stress, but less feeling like life is horrid. My friends can’t fix my financial woes. They can’t save me from the stress of balancing school, work and family. But they help distract. They are great to talk to, about serious stuff and silly stuff alike. They help ease the burden of life.

I always knew, even as a child, that I was lonely. But never, before now, did I realize how full life can be when you have friends on your side. And I would never trade this feeling for anything!

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The Immortal Olive

Posted February 7, 2019 By kmarrs

Over the weekend I asked Tumblr if an olive was a fruit. I got a few responses and some general conversation that affirmed, yes it is a fruit. It has a stone pit in its center, that qualifies, as far a botanical definitions go.

I then followed up with the suggestion that this in fact made olive oil, juice, and invited people to discuss.

That’s when things got out of hand.

I’m not going to spoil for you all the many directions this conversation went in. There are over 2,000 notes, at the time of typing this Sunday night, and most of them are golden.

So what I will do is link you to the starter post and let you explore the notes as you please. Or you can just read my tumblr from that time period, if that is easier for you. I was very involved in the conversation and managed to capture most of the high points.

Here is where it began.

What you do with this knowledge is up to you!

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Anemia

Posted February 4, 2019 By kmarrs

So I’m seeing a specialist and I’ve officially been diagnosed with iron deficiency anemia. My hemoglobin keeps dropping down to a 6 when left unchecked for too long.

This happened just this past fall. I actually had to take a couple of incompletes and drop a class completely due to my hemoglobin being too low to function.

I know it’s hard to understand, unless you’ve been there, what a hemoglobin of 6 really means, but the stark truth of it is, is that I have half as much blood in me that I need to survive when it’s that low. Symptoms include shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and a mental fog unlike anything else.

But I get iron infusions now. We check my labs every 4-8 weeks and when it even starts to get low, I get an iron infusion.

On the right is just a saline solution to ease the entire process. On the left is liquid iron. I know this isn’t the best picture, but I only had use of one hand and well, the situation doesn’t call upon my best photography skills. Sorry.

Anyway, it’s kind of cool. But also painful. Especially the day after, about half the time. But that iron is forcing my bone marrow to make blood and it’s very cool, but it’s hard on the body.

Anyway, I’m chronically ill in yet another way. But the symptoms are well managed and they don’t let me get very low anymore before I get an infusion. So like, as long as I don’t dip below like a 9, it’s more annoying than it is… uh… I guess the word I’m looking for is horrible. Below a 9 is horrible.

Goal for a (biological) woman is a 12-16. I’m currently as of right now an 11-12. So anemic but not outrageously. My personal goal is to get to a 15 or 16. It’s a far stretch, but someday I’ll reach it. For like a week.

Really, now that I’ve come to terms with it and it’s being managed, my biggest disappointment is that I can no longer give blood. Probably never again, really. I’m very pro-blood-donation. I think it is a healthy person’s duty to give when there is a shortage. I myself have received a few units of blood and I’m just so thankful that there is such a thing as blood donation. And I’m very sad to now be a receiver and no longer a giver.

Anyway, it’s been a long 12 months with my anemia just recently coming under control. But I survived and made the best of it. And I’ll thrive despite it.

Despite all the hurdles in life, I am determined to thrive.

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Allergies

Posted January 31, 2019 By kmarrs

When I was pregnant with Thomas, 16 years ago, I developed an apple allergy. I go into full anaphylactic shock.

Over the past year or two, while my body has been otherwise failing me physically (more on that to come) I’ve been also developing new and exciting allergies as well. The one we’ve been able to pin down is spaghetti sauce. But we ruled out, on our own, that it wasn’t the tomatoes, mushrooms, parsley, oregano, or, basil. So about a year ago, I went to see an allergist. The following is pulled from my tumblr from the next day.

“So I went to the allergist yesterday for allergy testing.  See as an adult I’ve developed an allergy to apples (awhile back though it’s gotten much worse in recent years) and very recently Prego pasta sauce.  Both make my throat swell closed.  

Now I can avoid both, but what is it about the Prego that sets me off, was the million dollar question.  See, with some careful experimentation we ruled out tomatoes, mushrooms and your more common herbs that would be used in a pasta sauce.  I mean fully ruled out.  We’ve since switched to Kroger brand red sauce and I can eat it just fine.  Tons of it.  We also buy Stouffer’s lasagna and I also eat that just fine.  A few other red sauce things, just fine.  It’s only Prego brand sauce.  So what’s in Prego that isn’t in the others?  Is it how they preserve it?  Also, the label is no help.  So my doctor referred me to the allergist.

“So you think your throat swells,” this brilliant doctor asks.

“Well, my throat becomes tight, I can’t breathe very good, and I have a lot of trouble swallowing.”

Like I said, you /think/ your throat swells.”

He proceeded to confirm I have no trouble with tomatoes.  No trouble with mushrooms.  Proceeded to confirm we use basil, oregano, and parsley all the time, no trouble.

So what does he test me for?

Tomatoes, mushrooms, basil, oregano, and parsley.  Nothing else.  Not a damn thing else.

Like fam, I’m not saying there is a test specifically for the preservatives used by Prego, but come on.  There has to have been other options than the common ingredients that I, on my damn own, completely ruled out and stated as such.  Red pasta sauce is a staple of my diet.  I love mushrooms and eat them all the time.  Pat seasons a lot of things with those exact herbs,  If any of that gave me trouble, we’d know by now.

What the FUCK was the point of going to that office, I cry, beg, and ask.  What did I even learn?

His professional advice?  Stay away from Prego and apples.

Yeah.  Really?  Because I look forward to using my EpiPen.  That’s an experience to be cherished.

And whatever this mystery ingredient is, I guess I just have to hope not to run into it again.

Oh!  OH!

He did offer, very matter of factly, that if I wanted to bring in some Prego, he’d test me for that to see if I was allergic to it or not.

Because, after all, I only think my throat swells shut.

I must also be imagining that tightness in my chest that comes with it.  And all the other classic symptoms of Anaphylactic Shock.

*sigh*

I knew I needed a second opinion from someone who wouldn’t gaslight me, but I was not in a good place so I put that off a bit and continued to narrow down, on my own, what I was allergic to, with EpiPen in hand.

In time, I realized I was allergic to all jarred pasta sauce, and even some pizza sauce. But it remained true, that it wasn’t the tomatoes, mushrooms, basil, parsley, or oregano.

Pat eventually made his grandmother’s red sauce from scratch, otherwise using all the same ingredients, and I ate SO MUCH of it and did not have a reaction. Not even a hint of one. This has led us to hypothesize that it’s the preservative I’m allergic to.

So it was time to go to a different allergist and get that second opinion.

I was there bright and early Friday morning. I explained everything, including the failed allergist appointment the year prior, to the doctor and just preyed that she would be different.

And OMG. That was one of the most validating appointments with a doctor I’ve ever had. She came for my life and then validated every tiny bit of it.

Now she was honest, and confirmed what I kind of suspected, that there was no test for the preservatives. But she listened to everything and declared it both not unheard of, and the probable source of trouble.

Then she did full allergy testing on all the usual suspects.

The first, interesting thing to note, is that I’m not actually allergic to apples. Not even a little. I’m apparently allergic to birch which cross pollinates with apples, and therefore I have the reaction. Of course, because of this, all apples are now suspect and I still can’t eat apples, but it’s not the apple’s fault. Everyone else finds this hilarious. I’m… bitter.

I’m apparently also allergic to dogs. I’ve just failed to ever notice it.

Something, something pollen and ragweed and shit that will cause reactions in the fall when everything is dying, which I basically already knew and had told her about. But it was good to have that validated.

She had also decided, before she even did any testing, that she was going to put me on an antihistamine. The goal being to calm my body down some. However, the tests did confirm that was a good idea.

There were no other reactions of note. So while there are other undetermined things at this time that I’m allergic to, they aren’t anything that’s going to show up on a test. Just like that preservative. So all I can do, really, is keep a journal of sorts and track what I eat that causes a reaction.

And keep my EpiPen on me.

So that is basically that.

On Monday the 4th we’ll talk about my anemia. That’s been a bit of a bumpy ride too. But I’ll fill you all in, in a few days.

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