BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

Self Worth

Posted June 17, 2019 By kmarrs

For so long now, my self worth has directly tied into my grades. I have an amazing GPA, I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude, this is what my value as a person is based on, in my eyes.

My therapist is working to convince me that this is not the best thing to measure my worth on.

She also went as far as to suggest that in grad school, I won’t continue to be a straight-A student; which I immediately took as a challenge. I will defy that or die trying.

Then when I shared that sentiment with my friends and family on Facebook, someone else pointed out that it’s not worth the die trying sentiment because literally, no one is going to care about my grades after I graduate.

So really, aside from being useful towards getting into grad school, grades don’t matter.

So then maybe this is why I shouldn’t base my self worth on them.

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Adderall

Posted June 10, 2019 By kmarrs

Using a Fitbit (knockoff) to track my pulse long term worked beautifully and when I saw my psychiatrist on Friday, she approved me starting Adderall.

We’re starting me on 5mg which is a super low dose and I probably won’t be helped by that amount. However, if all goes well, on the 17th I’ll get to double it.

In the meantime, I’m to continue using my Fitbit to track my pulse. I’m also to keep an eye on my anxiety. Both can be made worse by even this small of a dose, so we need to be sure that I’m ok. I’m calling her on the 17th and reporting my findings.

I am super excited to finally start the process of treating my ADHD. I know I’m ready to graduate in a little less than 3 months, and only really have 9 more weeks of classes, but this medication will also allow me to focus at work, where I’m also suffering.

Oh! And because I take my anxiety meds at night, and I take my stimulant in the morning, I’m able to take both! The streams will not cross!

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Passion Project

Posted June 3, 2019 By kmarrs

Those 6 weeks in April through May were tough as I took on double the recommended course load so that I could graduate this September.

One of the things I dedicated myself to during those 6 weeks was my passion project for my anthro class. No exaggeration I nearly broke my mental health with stress on this project because I was excited about it, and forgot I was in a 200 level class and didn’t need to go so hard. My topic was Irish Gaeilge, but that’s only the briefest of summaries. (I’ll put more details on the end.) I got to pick my own topic, because the idea was for me to study, and apply an anthropological lens, to something I’m passionate about. And I gave it beyond my all.

I received my score in under 24 hours. My hard to please professor who doesn’t give perfect scores marked it 120/120. He noted where he could have taken points, but because he’s never personally seen a project so well done, he had no choice but to call it perfect. He added, “I’d even urge you to publish it somewhere, somehow.” With some notes as to where I could flesh it out some and an offer to help that I’m going to take him up on after I graduate. (Another 6 weeks of hell started in the end of May. )

As I gear up to graduate, and then take my GRE and apply to grad school, I have self doubts that I’m good enough. But where I’m passionate, I’m fully capable, I guess I’m learning. I just need to not break myself in the process.

Details:

So. I picked Irish Gaeilge as a topic of interest because I’m currently learning it. I wanted a deeper understanding why people picked this language as a second/third/fourth language. I know why I chose it, but what about others?

In week 2 I put out a basic survey asking 10 questions dealing with people’s connections to Ireland and why they chose that language. I then set that loose on Tumblr with some key blogs reblogging. I didn’t exactly get 5,000 responses like last time. But that survey was open to literally everyone, while this survey was open just to those learning Irish. I still got 335 responses, which isn’t bad.

However, as I started to do research, I fell headlong into the history of the language, its near extinction, and the revival in the past 100 years. Which then led to me learning that there are some in Ireland (this is not representative of the entire population) who resent being forced to learn it.

Which led to another survey, this one just for those who live in Ireland and are learning it, or have learned it, through the school system. This one I sent to a key friend living in Ireland and asked him to circulate it small scale. I only needed a few responses to this one. I got 3 which was great. This survey looked at the perceived effectiveness of the revival and their thoughts on being “forced” to learn it in school.

Then came the stark fact that 50-90% of the world’s languages are going to be gone by 2100 and the question, will Irish be one of them? I still don’t have a solid answer to this.

Anyway, 2 surveys and a couple dozen academic research articles later, I put together a beautiful presentation that I’m really proud of.

So go team me.

But I could use a nap.

And it’s not good that I nearly broke my mental health.

Mid May through the end of June isn’t going to be much better either.

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Keeping a Finger on the Problem

Posted May 27, 2019 By kmarrs

I have a new app recommended to me by my therapist called HeartRate+ Pro that I’m supposed to use for 5 minutes, 3 times a day (or 15 minutes once a day) to learn how to better control my heart rate.

The idea of the app is that the camera flash tracks your pulse while you breathe in time to the preset pattern. This breathing pattern is supposed to trigger the ideal heart rate.

So far I’m having limited luck with it. But it’s early yet and I’m not using it religiously like I should.

I need… I need to get better about that.

Because the thing is, if this tool can help lower my heart rate, I can start ADHD meds all the faster!

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Meditation Part 2

Posted May 20, 2019 By kmarrs

Sambam is dealing with some pretty significant anxiety at the 7-year-old level. So I’m teaching her how to meditate.

First I guide her through some deep breaths to establish a calm foundation. Then, I have her doing exactly what my therapist has me doing: I’m having her reflect on what she’s feeling emotionally and how it affects her physically, for about 5 minutes.

I don’t know exactly what is going on in that little head of her in those moments of silence, but when the time is up, I ask her how she’s feeling and she says better, so I guess whatever she’s thinking it must be working.

We do this every night before she goes to bed. It makes the bedtime process a hell of a lot easier. But I’ve also told her to practice the breathing through the day when she needs it, but also when she doesn’t, so that she has the tool all sharp and ready to go when she needs it.

We’ll see where this goes. I kind of feel like the blind leading the blind, but if it’s helping, it can’t be too bad.

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Meditation

Posted May 13, 2019 By kmarrs

In the past, meditation has actually given me increased anxiety. This was because I was of the impression that the goal was to clear my mind completely. Which… is impossible. You can not clear the mind that has ADHD. I’m not even convinced you can clear the neurotypical mind.

Then somewhere along the way, recently, I learned the goal isn’t to clear the mind. You’re going to have thoughts. The trick is to acknowledge them then let them pass you by. Move them aside. And go back to focusing on your breathing until the next thought.

So, with therapist instructions that I’m supposed to meditate for 5 minutes a day, I attempted this. She wants me to spend those 5 minutes focusing on what I’m feeling. So I began the journey of daily meditation.

But it still made me nervous. Was I doing it right?

It took me a couple of days, but I finally downloaded a guided meditation app. The one I have has a beginner’s class that teaches you how to meditate mid practice. It’s not exactly what my therapist had in mind, as she’s since confirmed, but it’s a start. And I can spend an additional 5 minutes focusing on what Ruby wants me to focus on.

So, I guess I meditate now. I do it right before bed as part of my relaxation routine.

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