BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

Saturdays

Posted March 23, 2019 By kmarrs

It’s 7:30 PM, early spring.

This is my favorite time of day
The sun is setting outside my window where I sit at my desk.
The sun catchers I have up ready for this moment are glowing.
The plants in that corner are getting so much natural light.
I can’t see for shit because I’m literally blinded by the sun.
But it’s warm on my face even through the window panes.
So I sit here and soak it up with my plants and my sun catchers.

Be the first to comment

Lip Treatment

Posted March 21, 2019 By kmarrs

So on a whim this past winter, I made a lip scrub out of ingredients you can find in any grocery store. Not just all natural, because nightshade is natural, but a lip scrub you could literally safely eat because sometimes that happens.

I used a little half cup Rubbermaid container and filled it about halfway with honey. Then I poured in half as much sugar, and then a couple of tablespoons worth of oil. I used grapeseed oil, but you really could use any food grade oil that they stock at the store. I just think grapeseed is the one I’m less grumpy about accidentally ingesting because you will get some in your mouth as you apply it liberally to your lips.

The whole thing is shelf stable so I keep my container of this right in my shower and use it about once a week, or as needed.

The sugar helps scrub off that dead layer of skin that builds up and peels. If you are like me, you chew it off the best you can, but stop doing that because it only causes more damage! This scrub will get rid of it and keep it gone! Then the honey and oil moisturize your lips keeping them happy and healthy.

Also, you know how in the dead of winter, or year round if you’re like me, your elbows get really dry and scaly? This stuff will scrub off the dead skin and moisturize there too. I use it as a face scrub roughly once a month. Not all the time, because there is oil involved, but it hydrates my skin wherever I apply it.

I’m telling you, this stuff is wonderful. You need to pair it with chapstick, but it goes beyond what just chapstick can do!

Lucas always gets lips so chapped that his entire mouth area turns red. I used this stuff on him (and Sammy) at the first sign of trouble, and it worked. It saved the kid so much pain! Because severely chapped lips hurt like hell!

Anyway, I could go on and on about how great this stuff is. Just a little sugar, honey, and food grade oil. You can buy everything you need for like 15$ and have enough to make a dozen containers. I made one from my mom for her birthday. She swears by it too!

So consider yourself encouraged to pamper your lips! Winter may be over, but it’s great year-round at least to some degree.

Be the first to comment

Dear Body

Posted March 18, 2019 By kmarrs

I’m sorry I have hated you for so long. Misguided in ideas that I was supposed to be a girl and society’s version of what a girl should look like.

Stretch marks don’t give my body character? Bullshit! They are there because my body held and grew three children. They are a beautiful celebration of the lives I gave birth to. I would no sooner fault a tiger for it’s stripes.

This does not define me, but it tells a story.

The weight I carry? I know it doesn’t help my fibromyalgia and I would like to lose some weight in the name of being healthier. But not through shame and mistreatment. Withholding calories out of shame for my shape does no one any good. Increasing my overall daily calories, but spreading them through the day so that I’m eating smaller meals, but more frequently, is the answer to both loving and respecting my current body, while gently shaping it to a healthier form.

And if this just never happens? I will not feel shame. Just like my stretch marks, my current form is the result of carrying three babies in my core. It’s also the result of 20-30 years of intense mental health meds. I feel no shame for this meds, I feel no shame for how they shape my appearance.

Make-up? Hair? Lack of both? Even if I was a girl, it is not society’s job to tell me what I’m supposed to look like. I do not choose to paint over my self portrait as a means of hiding who I am. And hair is just not something I’ll ever be able to work with. And that’s fine. The me I present is the me I am happiest with and there are no apologies offered.

I am, however, struggling with my breasts. I’m torn between hating them and indifference. They are a source of physical pain as the weight of carrying them destroys my back. They are a source of mental pain as they are a huge trigger to my dysphoria.

It is noted, though, that I used to appear to enjoy them, as I flaunted what I was given. What can I say? I was hungry for attention and breasts were a means of feeding that hunger. Ironically, a breast’s sole purpose in life is to feed… hungry babies. And a wept over my inability to produce milk. I wept over how such a large burden, a large weight against my shoulders, could fail to do their one intended purpose.

So how could I feel loyal to them?

The patriarchy says I am to have a painted face, long silky hair, and large firm breasts.

I reject the patriarchy.

So I will work on refusing to hate my breasts any longer, as that is a self destructive emotion, but I can still elect to be done with them. I do intend on getting a breast reduction as soon as I can. But I will not hate myself over the fact this could take years. I have bigger health emergencies in the forefront.

And nonbinary presentation does not equate to androgyny. So I can be me and still have my breasts, I tell myself. Anything to help the dysphoria.

The patriarchy find so much wrong with my body. The patriarchy has taught me to internalize those “imperfections” and hate myself for them. To want to mold and sculpt myself into me “perfect from”.

Yet in all the ways my body has truly failed me, having cellulite isn’t even related to any of them. I don’t need to contour and cover my face with makeup to fight my anemia. Long flowing hair only hurts my headaches and anxiety.

I am who I am and I will love myself for every bit of my appearance. I can work on being healthier physically as I work on being healthier mentally. The two can coexist and I don’t need to hate myself. Especially since society tells me I should.

But then society is trying to sell me something.

Be the first to comment

Pi Day! It’s Pi Day!

Posted March 14, 2019 By kmarrs

And the best way to celebrate is with Pie!

So. This is my last Pi Day working in a math department of a university, and it falls on a work day. So…

I did my research into the department budget for the year, which we’re encouraged to spend. And then I asked if we could use some of the department “employee moral” budget to throw a little party for the college. (Not the entire university. But the college of art, science, and technology, within the university.) I received an enthusiastic yes and here we are a month later ready to celebrate.

We’re getting pizza (pies) for lunch and a bunch of dessert pies and it’ll be good wholesome fun!

Then of course, we’re celebrating at home as well. Nothing fancy. Just the 5 of us eating pie.

I like to sometimes actually throw a party for my friends and family, but a Thursday is no a good night for that. Next year it falls on a Saturday, so I’ll have to host something then.

Are you celebrating Pi Day?

Be the first to comment

1.

First and foremost you have to understand that BPD is a medical condition and you can’t make anyone happy, much less someone with BPD. They have to make an active effort to make themselves happy, or they are actively choosing to live in misery. This doesn’t mean you can’t aid them though. Just know it’s up to them and the effort they are willing to contribute.

2.

This isn’t a perfect process. I challenge you to find me one person in the word that doesn’t have a collection of good and bad days. Everyone poops; everyone has bad days. We may have more than our fair share, sure, but it’s a part of life. As long as you don’t expect perfection, even a slight increase in the number of good days can be considered a win.

3.

Validate them. Really, you need to be validating everyone in your life. Even strangers if you can. We all hear what we are doing wrong and what we’re bad at. How often do you take the time to tell a loved one or coworker what they are really good at. When was the last time you told a stranger you like their shirt? Sound creepy? Then the problem is you. But we can fix that! Take time out of your day to reflect on who is doing what well and what people are good at, then take a little extra time to tell them! Here is a secret: chances are the person with BPD in your life suffered a severe lack of validating while growing up. Want to make both of you happier? Make up for it now.

4.

Make sure their medication is right. Ok. This is a tricky one as you have to be really close to the person. However, if you are and you think they could use an increase in, oh, their antidepressant, validate the progress they’ve made and then approach the conversation about their meds. Please don’t flat out tell them the change needed unless you are REALLY close to them. Instead ask them how they are feeling in general and how they feel about their current cocktail. Chances are they might bring it up themselves, or you’ll find a way to mention the suggestion. Either way please understand that perfecting the medication combo can take years and a lot of trial and error.

5.

Be willing to do what it takes to help them remember to take their meds. It they struggle to remember, but want to remember, they may seek you out to be part of the process. So, be part of the process. If they don’t seek you out but are talking about trouble remembering, offer to be part of the process, in a validating way.

6.

Help them increase their quality of life. This can mean anything and the burden isn’t yours alone. Remember, they have to want this too. However, taking them to the museum, zoo, or out to dinner can be a huge step. But don’t forget the little things that show you care, yet don’t require them to leave their blanket/pillow fort just yet. DO they read everything in sight? Show up with a new book for them. I know there is no better way to woo me, unless is comes with a bag of nothing but blue M&M’s that is. It’s the little things that show you are with them when the going gets tough, that helps pull them out of the funk. If they are rejecting everything, then they don’t want it and you need to go back to step 1.

7.

Finally, know when you cut loose. Look some of you may be stuck either by choice, family, or marriage. If that’s the case I’m sorry but times will get better. But if the relationship isn’t too serious and you have the option to leave… As much as I hate saying this as the biggest fear of someone with BPD is abandonment, it might be time to go ahead and let go. Look, there is only so much you as a fellow human can take and you can’t let one person sink the ship if they aren’t even willing to bail with you. Just give a fair chance, Ok?

8.

Know when it’s time to end a marriage and or distance yourself from family. This is very similar to step 7, but involves a bigger relationship. Bottom line, sometimes you have to put yourself first. This isn’t going to make the person with Borderline happy, but you have to know when to cut ties, no matter how badly they fear abandonment. You have got to be able to look out for your own health too. I suggest therapy for yourself and talking it out. And when you need to end the relationship, do it no matter if it’s a marriage, or immediate family. It’s not always about making someone with BPD happy. I can’t stress this enough.

Be the first to comment

Executive Dysfunction

Posted March 7, 2019 By kmarrs

This will be a short note but I want to address a common misconception about Executive Dysfunction verses laziness.

You’re probably not lazy. Especially if you’re not neurotypical.

Executive Dysfunction is so common. A lot… A LOT of people have it.

Do you want to start the thing but are almost afraid of it?

Do you want to start the thing but you know you can’t do it perfectly so you think why bother?

Do you want to start the thing but your mind is telling you it is going to take more spoons than you have?

Do you want to start the thing but have trouble initiating?

Congratulations, it’s Executive Dysfunction.

You’re not at all even a little but just lazy.

And berating yourself for being lazy is doing the opposite of solving the problem.

Cut yourself some slack, and now that you know what it is, reread this past Monday’s post.

Also:

Be the first to comment