BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

The Blogging Scedule

Posted January 15, 2019 By kmarrs

So here is the plan as I get back into the swing of things.

I will have an ongoing queue of posts that I’ll write in advance that will post on Monday’s at noon est.

But a queue that is a month out doesn’t always work for more time relevant things. Like my Lucas broke his toe last week, and instead of telling you about it when it happened, it was going to end up in my queue and by the time the post when live, it would have been healed. Which is, I guess, fine. But ultimately, is not how I want to run things. I like posting about things as they happen.

So some (every?) weeks there will also be a Thursday post (same time) and it will be more time sensitive. There is no queue for the Thursday posts. As such, some weeks there just may not be one. I can’t plan in advance for exciting or tragic things to happen in life. But at least with the Thursday post, I can talk about it in a timely fashion. Which is the goal.

So TLDR: Every Monday at noon est look for a post from my queue. Most Thursdays at noon est look for a post for current events. If there is no Thursday post it’s because life has been boring that week and there is nothing to talk about. I value the quiet moments though, even if it does make blogging hard.

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Max: A Coming Out Story

Posted January 14, 2019 By kmarrs

The following is an email I sent to my immediate family around October. This was after I’d had one-on-one conversations with everyone. I’ll let the email tell the story.

Hey all,
So the end of the year is fast approaching.  When the new year comes I want to start using my new name (Max) and new pronouns (they/them).  I know some of you might not feel fully comfortable with this, but I’ve spent much of the past 34 years uncomfortable with my name and being female has never sat right with me.  It’s not something I have been open about.  I didn’t know how to approach the subject even inside my own head, much less with others.  I thought that because I wasn’t a boy either, I was just some weird girl.  But now that I know that it’s possible to be neither, I suddenly understand myself in a whole new way.  I’m nonbinary.  I’m a mix of boy and girl and neither.  I feel like Max is a better fit for me, and they/them are my true pronouns.
I know and understand that this will take some getting use to.  That’s why I’m making my intentions clear well in advance.  This way you have a few months to practice before the new year.
I understand that after the new year, you will probably still default to the old way and I may still get called by my birth name.  That’s fair.  But I am asking for honest effort and willingness to correct yourselves and each other, whether I’m there to hear it or not.
There are parts I’m still struggling with, namely my roles in my relationships with those I love.  I’m Pat’s spouse.  Pat has already been getting used to this shift for a bit now.  I will remain mom to the kids, however, not because I take on a motherly role, that’s always been Pat, but since I carried them for 9 months each, I wear that title like a badge of honor.  This might change in the future though.  We’ll see.  Rachel, I’m torn between being your sister and being your sibling.  Sisters in itself is a type of relationship that defines us.  At the same time, part of me really prefers the genernutralness of being your sibling.  Who knows, maybe we can work together and come up with a third option.  Mom (and dad) I know you say I’ll always be your daughter.  But honestly, I never was your daughter.  Your child, but not your daughter.  But at the same time, I need my relationship with you both, more than I need an accurate title in the family.  I’m putting my foot down about my name and pronouns but other than that, I’m picking my battles.
I love you all.  Please consider this over the coming months.  Work through what you need to work through.  I suggest calling me Max in your heads for awhile before you say it out loud.  The silent practice is less startling than the out loud practice and it gives you a chance to privately get used to this.
Also, I’m not making this name change legal anyone soon.  Right now Max is technically a nickname that I strongly and stubbornly prefer. 
Sincerely,Max

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I’m Back!

Posted January 11, 2019 By kmarrs

It’s been a year-long journey and much has happened. I’ll slowly talk about life, one post at a time, one week at a time. I’m trying to get a few scheduled and into the queue. Just know I’m back.

For awhile there the blog was completely gone and showing a “pageok” error. I’m not entirely sure when it poofed. But I have been really sick and really busy so sorta not writing became really not writing and then I just didn’t even look at what was left behind and well, it vanished.

Then I was sad. Then I was pissed. Then I was resigned. But then I went back to pissed and aimed to fix it. Right in the beginning of New Year 2019. You’re looking at the result of over a week of tech support.

But I’m back. And I don’t aim to disappear again. I don’t know how many of you are still around. But whomever is, bare with me while I remember what it is to blog.

First real post goes live Monday afternoon.

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General Check in School Edition

Posted January 24, 2018 By kmarrs

I’m nearing the end of an 8-week break.  It has been a glorious break and I wish I could extend it, but alas, it’s about time to go back to class.  I’m enrolled in two classes this term.  The first starts on the 12th of February and the second starts 6 weeks after that.

I was hoping to take this summer off, but it isn’t looking like that will be possible.  It messes with my financial aid and my work-study funds.  Which… I gotta be able to work and I have to be able to work my usual hours with no break.  We really need the income.

What really sucks is I think I’m going to have to take 3 classes over the summer, which means doubling up 2 at a time for 1 6 week block.  It’s unfortunate and my mental health won’t like it, but I’m about out of loan money so I have to go fulltime to get the full grant allotment.

I hope there is enough grant money.  I’m kind of screwed if there isn’t.  I’m still waiting for my award letter for the 2018-2019 school year.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

It would be so much better if they didn’t cap the dollar amount of student loans you can take out.  I had a good system going.  School fulltime will be rough.  Having to drop out because there isn’t enough grant money will be rougher.  I’m just… I’ll go fulltime if I have no choice but I really don’t want to drop out.  Paying off those loans with no degree will be impossible.

The American education system is so broken.  University should be free.  It is actually better for the economy if the population is educated and as it stands to get educated you have to drown yourself in debt.  It’s a broken system held hostage by a broken country.

I’m tired.

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Award

Posted January 24, 2018 By kmarrs

I was awarded the award you see to the left by feedspot.  You can find some great blogs on BPD if you follow the link.  I came in 10th place, which isn’t so shabby considering I only post about a dozen times a year.  I would like to kindly thank feedspot for this award.  It’s highly appreciated.

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Love

Posted January 24, 2018 By kmarrs

First, I’m going to remind that Pat and I are in an open marriage.  We are both polyamorous.  There are many reasons for this, but it is a mutual decision as to what works best for us.  I’m not going to list all the reasons.  I’m not going to sit here and defend it.  I’m also not going to tolerate shit for this post.  I’m happy.  Pat is happy.  That’s all the matters.

I have a girlfriend.  She is magical beyond compare.  She isn’t local.  She lives a couple of states away.  We met on Tumblr.  She is… there are no words.  I love her very, very much.  She is sweet, kind, loving, compassionate, and beautiful inside and out.  I’m very lucky to have her in my life and to be loved by her.

I’m not going to go into great detail about who she is.  She isn’t out to her family.  So by vague blogging, I’m looking to protect her.  But you don’t need her details.

Just… I’m so excited to have her in my life.

Pat, of course, knows about her.  He has no complaints.  I’m open and honest with him about everything and make sure that in my excitement for my gf, that I don’t neglect him.

Also, online relationships are hard.  Internet hugs just aren’t the same.  But I hope to go and visit her this May.  A few details need to be worked out and it may not be possible.  But I so very much hope it is.

I love her.  My heart grew when I met her and learned to love her.

 

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