I think everyone has those moments in their life that are on constant repeat even decades later where they are like, “Omg did I really say/do that?” In most cases, I think we blow them out of proportion and we feel this undying mortification or regret for things that we are, in fact, the only ones to remember. We are, after all, our own biggest critics.
I do also think, however, that someone with BPD who is at their most unstable adds a whole new level to this. Because while everyone says things that they wish they could take back, we are far more unfiltered and reach astounding heights in our ability to be uncensored, unaware of consequences, and incapable of impulse control.
There are things I have said and done, mostly inadvertently, that I just can’t help wonder if things could be different if they hadn’t been said or done. The relationships I have destroyed that I held so dear, that I didn’t realize until it was far too late what was happening. I was that far gone, that unaware of the situation, and that trusting that the other person would understand I was at my worst and didn’t have the skill set to really control my impulses, my thoughts and my situational awareness. And clearly, that was misplaced trust.
And please don’t get me wrong in that. The fault is my own. Everyone realistically has their limits on what they can turn a blind eye to, and me at my worst can push past the limits of even the most patient of people.
While everyone reflects back on the time they put a foot in their mouth, and mostly with needless worry…
My regrets run deep.
And some wounds, I truly fear, will never heal.
I know. I don’t call. I don’t write. Yet here I am wanting to talk school?
Alright. My duel major for my Bachelor’s in Business Administration and Applied Psychology are already in the works.
From there I was planning my Masters in Psychology.
But. Out of the schools I’m looking at, most don’t even offer a masters in psychology. Even if they do, you need a specific quantity of credit hours from your undergrad to be in psychology. My current undergrads just aren’t going to cut it.
But a third Bachelor’s in general psychology would.
And I can get that at the local really good university I plan to get my Psy.D. at. It’s one of the best schools for psychology in the country, even. (But they don’t offer a master’s in it.)
If I’m doing that, and I’m already planning to get the Psy.D. in the end, none of the school I prefer even offer a masters in Psychology, and you don’t need the masters for the doctorate, why am I trying for the masters? How much debt do I want? How many degree do I intend to collect? (The answer is now and always will be: All of them.) (Did you know federal student loan debt gets discharged when you die?)(Guys! If I’m a student until the day I die, at a very old age or of any other natural causes, I won’t ever have to pay my loans back!)(Just saying: I could be a professional student.)(I mean, it IS looking that way anyway.)(Gotta catch them all!)(It took me a decade to get to school, I’m never leaving!)(People that like, I don’t know, chase down to get money from people who actually do this, please know I’m joking.)(I intend to use my degrees.)
I’m still toying with the Masters in Business Psychology which is the follow-up to my B.S. Applied Psychology.
But if I do that I might as well just drop my B.A. in Business Admin. I’ve always argued business is a great foundation to anything, but at this point, I’ll pay someone with a business degree if I actually have a private practice. (Plus I think I’m just holding on tight because in my decade long fight for school, this has been the planned degree. But I’m in school, I’m pulling noting but A’s, and I’m in the National Society of Collegiate Scholars. Fight is over. I can let it go. Please don’t start singing that song.)
So that means I’m looking at the following for my full degree set:
- B.S. in Applied Psychology
- B.A. in Psychology
- M.S. in Business Psychology
- Psy.D. in Psychology
Then possibly med school which would involve pre-med and then the M.D. It would have its advantages but it also time-consuming, expensive, and involves cutting open/up dead bodies. We’ll see.
This makes sense? I mean, I can always change my mind as I go, as long as I’m not mid degree. Right?
Wait, I did tell you all I got invited to join the National Society of Collegiate Scholars, right? I accepted.
To whomever is trying to break into my wordpress account,
Look, you’re either going to have to figure out my password, or give up. Simply trying to request or change it won’t work. The request to change is tied to my email and my email is fairly secure. So unless you track me down, mug me and steal my phone, you can’t get into my email. And no, the email that shows in my wordpress profile, is not the actual email that’s tied to my sign in. So you don’t actually even know what email address you need to break into. But keep trying, I have unlimited text messaging.
Really, all you’re accomplishing is that you’re alerting me to your presence and telling me I need to keep an eye on things. Oh. And you’re giving me a much needed chuckle. So thanks. Really.
Someone who wasn’t born yesterday
I’m sorry I don’t write anymore. I’m just waiting for the day where my days aren’t measured by the spoonful. I’m waiting to find the words to explain what the hell is happening to me. I’m not doing ok, but I’ll live through it.
ER Doctor: So what did you do to your wrist?
Me:I tripped over a kid, not my own, and braced my fall with it.
Dr: Ow! And you did this today (Late Thursday)?
Me: No… Sunday afternoon.
Dr: And you’re just coming in?
Me: Well, I’m a klutz with fibromyalgia. If I came in every time something hurt, I’d never leave!
Dr: *chuckling* Well, it’s good you know this about yourself. We have plenty of repeats who don’t.
Me: Exactly. I figured I had just sprained or strained it as usual, stabilized it, and have taken Ibuprofen for pain and swelling. But 4 days later it’s getting worse and not better so I figured now it’s time to make sure I’m not being stupid.
Dr: Makes sense. Alright, let’s get some x-rays.
30 minutes, if that, passes
Dr: Alright you have a hairline fracture about here. *points to where thumb meets wrist* I’m going to wrap it for you and refer you to an ortho for follow-up to see if you need an actual cast.
Ah yes. Fibromyalgia: Where you can fracture a bone in your hand and just live with it for 4 days before getting it checked because you’ve had worse pain so how bad can this be.
According to the internet I’m part banana. And you could be up to 10% more or less banana than I.
You know, fuck opening a practice… I should go into the research side of things. Genetics, etc.
What DNA marker, if any, makes a person more predisposed to depression, etc? What can be done about it? Science is headed towards fucking with DNA to “fix” people, so why not play my role as a scientist?
It took them awhile but scientific research lead to the discovery of the correlation between the veins in the hands and fibro, now scientists have to decide how to use that knowledge to fix fibro for good.
I could do that shit!
DNA = Chem -nods- you would be good at Chem
I slept through high school chem. It was at like 8AM. You do the math. Or I showed up late because I “missed my bus”, with Starbucks in hand. But shit, the Starbucks right there at and was walking distance from my high school. If they had given me means to buy coffee, real coffee, at school, I wouldn’t have been late to chem and I might have actually stayed awake.
If I did go into research my degrees in business would be pointless. I mean, I’m still getting my bachelors in that because that is useful no matter the field. Even science is a business, sadly. But I could do right from this bachelors to my doctorates. I need to rethink everything. I mean, I want to help people and with my own practice I could do that, but think of the people I could help on the research side of things? I could do what the big bang characters do, only at OSU.
And, here is where I go vain. Most people are right-brained or left-brained. I’m both. How many research scientists can claim that? How many can really think logically AND creatively. Scientific research could use more creative thinking. When logic just doesn’t seem to be working, I’m really good at thinking outside the box. Fuck, my box doesn’t even exist!9:14 PM
My bachelors in business, my masters in psychology, then pre-med, then med. Then I go from there.
This conversation is smarter than me which tells me that whatever you decide will be well-informed and ‘right’.
This feels so right!
Actually, I am. Just not here. And it’s mostly poetry.
I’m not exactly doing well at the moment. I mean, I don’t feel depressed and I’m not suicidal or any of that crap. I just can’t get out of bed most days.
Logic tells me that’s depression. It’s weird being depressed, showing so many signs of depression, without feeling overly sad. I think, honestly, I’m too tired and lethargic to feel much of anything but tired and lethargic.
I really need to talk to my meds doctor about it but I missed my last appointment due to hitting a pot hole (read: sink hole) with the car and shredding two tires and rims. It was glorious. And by glorious I mean a pain in the ass. Luckily we were already planning new tires and rims with the tax return that showed up a couple of days later, but… I missed an important appointment.
I’m not even sure what to really say to her. ”Hi, I’m not sad but I’m not exactly living.”
But then, in many ways I am living. When I have the energy to partake in life I really enjoy it. Pat and I went to the ballet a week or so ago. We saw their interpretation of Alice in Wonderland. The day before that we went to a friend’s art show at a gallery. When I can find the energy I make the most of it. The catch is a slept for 48 hours leading up to and following those 48 hours of energy burst. 96 hours in bed to be able to have 48 hours of normal life is fucked up math.
And I’m getting 105% in math, so I know my math.
Anyway, I’m writing over on my new tumblr blog. It’s mostly poetry but then, not really. It’s whatever the hell I want it to be. There are no rules, no restrictions, no structure. So it currently fits what I need for my writing. You’ll notice a theme, should you read.
I loss someone recently. Not someone I’ve discussed on here. I don’t want to talk about it. Not the details, anyways. They are private to the two of us. I’ll leave it that.
So, the tumblr: Shakespeare She Is Not
You got the best of me
Rest of me
Tried and true test of me
I lied for you
Cried for you
A piece of me died for you
I wasn’t good enough
I knew I’d withstood enough
You took your leave that day
No words of goodbye to say
You left a shattered heart
Tears won’t stop when they choose to start