BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

It’s All A Headache

Posted March 16, 2017 By kmarrs

So a few months ago I was put on Topamax to 1) counterbalance the weight gain from my antipsychotic and 2) help prevent my near constant headaches.  I was also given a prescription of Flexeril to help treat breakthrough stress headaches.  So let’s talk about this some.

First, headaches are not fully uncommon for fibromyalgia or depression.  Both report headaches as symptoms.  I don’t know if I’m having actual migraines, but I’m having severe stress headaches that leave me sensitive to light and sound and make me sick to my stomach.  Sounds like a migraine, but they are more in my neck and the base of my skull which is why there is question as to what we are treating.

Anyway, the Topamax.  No weight loss to report.  It would have been nice but it wasn’t the main reason I was taking it.  My severe headaches that leave me unable to work were reduced to 1 every 2 weeks, and the bad headaches where I take a Flexeril were reduced to 2-3 a week, and I don’t think a day will ever pass that I’m not at least taking Aleve.  I’m ok with that.  That’s just annoying, not debilitating.

So there was progress with the Topamax but could it be better?  We doubled the dose and we shall see.  Ideally, I won’t miss any work because of headaches.  My boss doesn’t seem to mind too much, but I prefer to have a strong work ethic.  And I can’t be missing work twice a month from a damn headache.  We’ve also switched me off the Flexeril and on to something else called Tizanidine HCL.  The Flexeril makes me sleepy so it’s harder to function when I take it 2-3 times a week (at work and at school usually) so hopefully this one won’t knock me out.

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Thoughts on the Trump Administration

Posted March 13, 2017 By kmarrs

I’ve kept my trap shut.  Here anyway.  I’m constantly sharing shit over at tumblr.  If you don’t follow me there, I suggest you do.  I stream has an ongoing 24/7 queue of animals posting every 30 minutes, and then when I’m active it’s up-to-date news on things like what Trump is up to, LBGTQA rights, and other civil rights movements.  It’s not always cheery, but that’s why I balance it out with the animals and other funny things.  Anyway, here is the link to me over there.  I’m far more active there and as ever, uncensored.

Anyway, I’m not going to get into it long winded style on Trump today.  I’m instead going to sum it up by sharing this photo from WW2 taken over in Britain during the height of the war.

That’s a great poster on the wall there.  “Freedom is in peril.  Defend it with all your might.”  It really summed up the times, back then.  It also, has a certain ring to it for now.  So much so that… wait a minute…

 

Carry On T-Shirt

Freedom is in Peril

by Wearables4Edibles

Ah yes, there we go.

Mine will be here any day now.

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Downward Spiral

Posted March 10, 2017 By kmarrs

I seem to be on a 4 year cycle.  At the cusp of the 4 years I spiral downhill fast into a really bad year.  Then I claw my way back out of it and have a couple of years of really good mental health and then a fourth year of decent enough but edging towards the cusp mental health.  Then rinse repeat.

I hate predicting it, because it’s like I’m making it true, but the pattern holds.  Every 4 years I enter a romantic entanglement as a means of escaping and trying to feel better, and in the process sabotage my relationship with my husband.  We separate.  Near divorce.  And I spiral further down.  The romantic entanglement blows up in my face, because it’s not a health relationship to start out with, and I fly back to a confused and hurting Patrick who eases my pain.

This time will be different.  First, I know my pattern and there will be no romance.  Even if there is, as Pat and I are now in an open relationship, I don’t have to sacrifice anything.  I can be open and honest with him, and trust him to guide me through treacherous waters.  I know this sounds unfair to him.  But it’s something we’ve come to together.  It’s far healthier than the alternative, and he’s wanted an open relationship for years.  So this isn’t just me.

As far as my spiral goes, I’m trying to head it off.  I’m in a healthy, low pressure job.  I’m kind of stuck in school, can’t take a term off, but the routine might be beneficial.  Also the shrimp project and the fish keep me mellow.  And the learning to crochet gives me distraction.  So I’m using my DBT skills.  So I think I’ll be ok.  It would be nice to make it through the next year without landing in the hospital.

Because I’m drawing ever nearer to the cusp.

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The Collective

Posted March 8, 2017 By kmarrs

Sitting on my desk, is my third aquarium.  It’s a 5 gallon and it’s empty, save for being freshly planted.  I still need to cycle it, which can take a good month if not two.  But once it’s done I will have blue velvet shrimp in there.  I am, SUPER excited about this.  I’ve been wanting a shrimp tank for a while.

I tried to house them in my 20, but things went downhill when I got pneumonia 6 months back.  My tank was overstocked, so when I didn’t keep up on water changes, the chemistry went bad and the shrimp, which are super sensitive to these things, died.

But I learned my lesson.  Water changes every Friday or Saturday no matter what.  And it’ll all be ok.

Anyway, I’m piecing together the tank bit by bit.  I just got the plants in.  It’s scaped to be sort of  a full wild jungle feel.  They are in orderly rows, actually, but as they grow it’ll be more out of control.

There are five different kinds of plants in there.  Don’t ask me to name them.  I’m not good at plant identification.

I plan to kick-start the cycle process by adding ammonium.  I have it on order and it should be here sometime next week.  Then it’s a patient game of water changes and daily chemistry checks.  I’m not looking forward to it.  But if I don’t do it, the shrimp will just die.  So, I have little choice.

Once done I’ll buy 12 blue velvet shrimp and call them The Collective.  Because why not.

Meanwhile life in the 10 and 20 goes on.

The 10 gallon is now home to a nerite snail as well as my betta.  There were two snails but one of them died.  I’m not entirely sure what happened.  I know my betta was really upset about the invasion of the snails, but I’m fairly certain betta can’t hurt these guys.  I also upgraded the filer to a sponge filter, which is super exciting for my, and the betta both.  The flow of a sponge filter is much more gentle and betta prefer that.

The 20 gallon was out of control with its sunburst platy population, so I took them all back to the store.  Well, all but one.  I somehow ended up with an albino one, so I kept him.  That done, I was only at 68% stocked so I had the option of adding more fish.  I bought a pair of blue gourami.  Now they are male and female, but they are egg layers and the fish, snails, and filter will eat all the eggs, so I don’t have to worry about out of control babies.  I named them Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy.

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Crocheting

Posted March 6, 2017 By kmarrs

When I was much younger, about 8 years old, my grandmother, who could crochet anything, started teaching me the craft.  But as we were short on time, we didn’t get any further than the beginning chain.  The plan became for me to spend a couple of weeks with her that summer, and she would have me taught the rest of the way in no time at all.

She died that spring.

So here I was 25 years later, unable to crochet more than the beginning chain.  That is until I met my friend Savi, who can, just like my grandma, crochet just about anything.  Now Savi isn’t local but she worked as a catalyst towards me wanting to master this skill once and for all.  So I asked her for her advice on what YouTube videos might be the best to teach me.  She sent me this link.  With my tax return I bought a bunch of yarn, a set of crochet hooks, and a couple of beginners pattern books and away I stumbled.

As we speak I’m taking a break from a Barbie blanket I’m working on.  Nothing too exciting.  It’s solid white, and isn’t following a pattern.  It was a means of me remastering a chain, and learning the first stitch.  My next project will be a second Barbie blanket where I master the second stitch.  And so on.  It’s good practice.

My stitch work is uneven and I have a lot to learn.  However, I’m getting there and I’m determined.  I will do this.  So help me.

Besides, it is calming.  I mean not now.  Right now it’s frustrating.  But once I have my stitch down and I’m comfortable with what I’m doing, it’ll be calming.  I know this as fact.  It’s a great tool for the depressed and anxious.  So I’m learning and mastering.

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New Year, Same Me

Posted January 19, 2017 By kmarrs

This is just a general update.

It took me two months to get over that cough.  And even so my lungs still aren’t quite right.  I’ve never had bronchitis hit me that hard.  But then again, pneumonia.  Right as I was starting to get better, right about Christmas, I caught a cold my daughter brought home from school, and it went right to my lungs.  I just couldn’t catch a break.  Then again with this weather yo-yoing between freezing and light jacket weather, it’s no wonder everyone is sick.  And everyone is sick.  I don’t just mean my family, I mean there are nasty bugs out there going around.

I’ve made some friends.  On Tumblr but it totally counts.  I’ve joined a group of misfits that have banned together to form a family.  Misfits is my word, but I think they’d agree with it.  I’m still in the early stages of joining.  I’ve been welcomed by the group patriarch, Simon.  And one of the group members, Savi, is my new best friend.  Or she will be just give it time.  I’m slowly making friends with the others.  It’s hard because I’m introverted, but I’ve been welcomed and that’s a great feeling.  They meet on social media and watch movies and chat every night, basically all night, because we’re a bunch of insomniacs.  I only meet with them Thursday night through Saturday night because I need my sleep during the week.  One part depression, one part med cocktail, one part fibromyalgia, one part I’ve been this way my entire life: I value sleep and need a solid 9-10 hours of it with frequent 12 hour power naps to help fill in the gaps.  You think I’m joking?  I’m not.  So I’ve made friends.  My therapist would be so proud.

Only, she’s not my therapist anymore.  It’s a long story but the gist of it is, I’m not feeling the magic anymore so I’m breaking off the relationship.  Maybe I’ll go back next time life crumbles.  Maybe I’ll find a new one.  I still have my meds doc, so I’m not without mental health help.  I’m just not in therapy.  And right now, at this moment that’s ok.  That relationship wasn’t a good fit anymore so it was time to move on.  If I was really responsible I’d get myself set up with a new one and a relationship established before my next life crash.  I know my meds doc can recommend one.  I’m just tired.  And right now, that’s one less half hour trip there, hour-long appointment, half hour trip back.  I could find someone closer, but I like the group I go to.  They are worth the travel time.  And I’m not giving up my meds doctor.  So I might as well find a therapist in the same building.

Trump.  Actually, I’d rather not.  I have not opened that can of worms on this blog and I’m going to keep it that way for now.  Let us just leave it at this: I’m really going to miss Obama.  He brought a level of dignity, class, and professionalism to the office that will be sorely missed.

School is going well.  I’m maintaining a nearly 4.0.  I still have that one B that is keeping me from perfection, but I’ll survive.  I have not repeated the incident, at least.  I’m currently in a professional communications class which is heavy on the writing.  I’m, maybe not enjoying the content, but I really enjoy my professor and this class will be a huge help in my academic and professional careers, so I can respect it for that.

Speaking of which, class starts in 15, so I’d better proof read this and get it posted.  I’ll try my best to be better at writing regularly.  I’m not saying weekly, but we’ll see.  I’m just so tired.  Work, school, kids.  I’m exhausted.

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