BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

General Check in School Edition

Posted January 24, 2018 By kmarrs

I’m nearing the end of an 8-week break.  It has been a glorious break and I wish I could extend it, but alas, it’s about time to go back to class.  I’m enrolled in two classes this term.  The first starts on the 12th of February and the second starts 6 weeks after that.

I was hoping to take this summer off, but it isn’t looking like that will be possible.  It messes with my financial aid and my work-study funds.  Which… I gotta be able to work and I have to be able to work my usual hours with no break.  We really need the income.

What really sucks is I think I’m going to have to take 3 classes over the summer, which means doubling up 2 at a time for 1 6 week block.  It’s unfortunate and my mental health won’t like it, but I’m about out of loan money so I have to go fulltime to get the full grant allotment.

I hope there is enough grant money.  I’m kind of screwed if there isn’t.  I’m still waiting for my award letter for the 2018-2019 school year.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

It would be so much better if they didn’t cap the dollar amount of student loans you can take out.  I had a good system going.  School fulltime will be rough.  Having to drop out because there isn’t enough grant money will be rougher.  I’m just… I’ll go fulltime if I have no choice but I really don’t want to drop out.  Paying off those loans with no degree will be impossible.

The American education system is so broken.  University should be free.  It is actually better for the economy if the population is educated and as it stands to get educated you have to drown yourself in debt.  It’s a broken system held hostage by a broken country.

I’m tired.

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Posted January 24, 2018 By kmarrs

I was awarded the award you see to the left by feedspot.  You can find some great blogs on BPD if you follow the link.  I came in 10th place, which isn’t so shabby considering I only post about a dozen times a year.  I would like to kindly thank feedspot for this award.  It’s highly appreciated.

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Posted January 24, 2018 By kmarrs

First, I’m going to remind that Pat and I are in an open marriage.  We are both polyamorous.  There are many reasons for this, but it is a mutual decision as to what works best for us.  I’m not going to list all the reasons.  I’m not going to sit here and defend it.  I’m also not going to tolerate shit for this post.  I’m happy.  Pat is happy.  That’s all the matters.

I have a girlfriend.  She is magical beyond compare.  She isn’t local.  She lives a couple of states away.  We met on Tumblr.  She is… there are no words.  I love her very, very much.  She is sweet, kind, loving, compassionate, and beautiful inside and out.  I’m very lucky to have her in my life and to be loved by her.

I’m not going to go into great detail about who she is.  She isn’t out to her family.  So by vague blogging, I’m looking to protect her.  But you don’t need her details.

Just… I’m so excited to have her in my life.

Pat, of course, knows about her.  He has no complaints.  I’m open and honest with him about everything and make sure that in my excitement for my gf, that I don’t neglect him.

Also, online relationships are hard.  Internet hugs just aren’t the same.  But I hope to go and visit her this May.  A few details need to be worked out and it may not be possible.  But I so very much hope it is.

I love her.  My heart grew when I met her and learned to love her.


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Finals Week Stress Has Got Me Like Whoa

Posted December 11, 2017 By kmarrs

I have my final paper due Thursday at midnight.  And my presentation due Tuesday evening.  And I’m super stressed out.

But I’m taking Tuesday off of work so that I can work on it all night tonight.  Which is the plan.  Right after I fix a couple of broken things on my site.  Which I know, I need to stop dicking around.  But this is how I destress and get my brain ready to focus.  So after this test post I’ll buckle down and get to work.

After this, so like in 3 days, I’ll be out of school for something like 8 weeks.  And I’m planning to spend those 8 weeks reading all the things!

I also have exciting news for all of you!  So expect me back after finals week with an update.  I do hope to post more.  I need to get back to writing.  And if I can get in the habit while out of school, well, I’ll already be in the habit when in school.  They don’t all have to be massively long.

But yes, exciting news coming to you soon!

In the meantime I just need to deal with this stress.

Also, hopefully, I fixed the thing.  *crosses fingers*

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Like I went to bed last “night” at 5 AM and was up by 1 PM fully rested.

On work nights I no longer have to be asleep by 10PM in order to be up by 9AM, and dragging.  If I’m still awake at 11 or even midnight, I’m mostly ok.

I’m still very much a spoonie, and always will be.  I still have fibro to contend with.  Even if I’m in complete remission from my mental health issues, the full long list, fibro is an energy sap.  But like I’m doing better.

This is a huge sign I’m doing better.

Also, I’m reading for fun again.  Even though I’m still in classes.  See if I spend less time hiding from my depression on tumblr, I can find the time to read.

But like for so long, as much as I love books, I couldn’t find the interest in reading.  That’s how I knew it was time to change my anti-depressant, btw.  That was many many many months ago.  But it took awhile to climb out of the hole I was in.  Stress from school doesn’t help.

So in my down time, my main hobby was depression scrolling Tumblr.

I still spend a lot of time on this site.  But now it’s mostly to talk to my many friends.  That’s not depression.  That’s living.

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Dark Place

Posted October 29, 2017 By kmarrs

I’m currently in a very dark place.  Money just got super tight.  Tighter than it’s been in a very long time and I’m terrified.

Plus school is currently kicking my ass.  Though my current class is about to be over.  I just have to watch a few more educational video, read one more chapter, and then write a paper.  Oh yeah.  And take a test worth 20% of my final grade.  *sigh*  I’m just super stressed.

After this class comes a management class.  I have not actually looked at it yet.  But it is the standard form.  No tests, just papers and most likely a group project.  I’m still at a point in my life where that is stressful, but it’s less stressful than this current class and I’m use to that format.  Most of the classes at my school don’t test.

After that class, which is 6 weeks long and ends December 12, I’ll have about 8 weeks off from classes.  That will be a much needed and welcomed break.  2 of those weeks will also be a vacation from work.  Won’t help the money situation any, but the entire university shuts down over the holidays, so I have no choice.  We’ll just have to make the best of it.  I do need the vacation, so that’s good at least.  I just hope the stress of losing more income, doesn’t outweigh the relaxation of a vacation.

So overall mental health wise… I have goals in life so I’m not actively suicidal.  But I would very much like to just curl up into a little ball and sleep until the world is a better and kinder place.

Also I miss my old cat that use to catch flies mid air and eat them.  I don’t… I can’t live with cats because they drive me crazy, but this fly is driving me crazier.  And it’s just… I’m already on the brink of a total mental breakdown, I don’t really need a fly pushing me over the edge.

But there you have it.

How can you help?

See the links to my books over in the left hand side?  Every little bit of additional income helps me out.  So consider purchasing one or both.  Alphabet Antics especially makes a great gift for the 2-5-year-old bracket.  That’s straight up money towards my rent and bills.  Never before has rent been in jeopardy, but starting now, it is.

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