BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

Stress

Posted April 15, 2019 By kmarrs

It has come to my therapist’s attention that I self create most of my stress and that I need to be taught how to not do that.

It’s on the list of things to work on.

The list is, uh growing.

Anyway, as I mentioned previously, my resting pulse is like stupidly high. So if I can get my stress under control, I can hopefully get my pulse under control.

Also. While we’re on the subject of my therapist…

I really like her still. She calls me on my bullshit without hesitation, but in a caring manor. And then once she calls me on it, she makes it clear she’s happy to do the work to help me do the work towards correcting my bullshit. It’s really great!

She also isn’t afraid to challenge my psychiatrist of 12 years. Which really takes me out of my comfort zone. But it isn’t that she thinks anything bad of my med doc. She in fact understands how wonderful she is. Ruby, my therapist, just sometimes has a better view of the big picture because I’m with her for an hour every week and that’s a lot of time dedicated to figuring out my needs.

When I found out from my meds doc that I couldn’t be on anxiety meds and ADHD meds at the same time, my meds doc and I both agreed that the anxiety meds were probably more important.

It was Ruby who went “well actually” and helped frame the consideration that my ADHD is the root cause of a lot of my anxiety and that treating the ADHD would help with both.

So anyway, therapy is great. I really like my therapist. She isn’t afraid to call things as she sees it, but just it in the most supportive manner. It’s really, really great!

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Untreated ADHD

Posted April 8, 2019 By kmarrs

I have spoken to my psychiatrist about treating my ADHD and it just isn’t going to happen yet.

The main concern is that my rest heart rate, for a year or more now, has been in the 120-130’s. This is, of course not good. Add in a stimulant, which is how to treat ADHD, and there is an increased, serious risk of me having a heat attack. We both agreed that it is to be avoided. Especially since I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude without treatment.

One of the other concerns is that I will have to stop my anxiety meds. But it’s been argued, by my therapist, that a lot of my anxiety is tied to my ADHD. Which is valid. Executive dysfunction, the inability to initiate tasks, makes any task super stressful for me. And I get super bad anxiety just thinking about what all is on my to-do list, knowing I’m going to have to beat executive dysfunction with all of it.

So why now? Why not seek treatment before?

Because I’m getting to the point where my ability to function is affecting my ability to be successful in my job. Plus it’s really hard to study for a test, successfully, with ADHD. Between the inability to focus and the ability to have any functioning memory what-so-ever…

See, Franklin University, my current school, doesn’t really have tests outside of math and science. We have big final projects and an abundance of papers instead. So I don’t really need to memorize facts. And I am really good at finding sources and writing papers. It has gotten me far at Franklin. It has gotten me Summa Cum Laude. But that won’t fly in grad school. I’m assuming I’ll have finals to take. Which scares the shit outta me, if I’m on my own.

And for now, I’m on my own because my pulse is 120.

Actually, it’s currently 114. I know this because I’m now wearing one of those watches that tracks your vitals. I’m hoping… see, I get really stressed out these days when someone takes my vitals because I know they aren’t great. At least my pulse isn’t. So it makes me anxious which increases my heart rate. I’m hoping if I can have long term tracking through the day, every day, without me thinking about it, that my pulse will be better and I can show it to my psychiatrist. The goal is a consistent average of under 100. Or rather, a consistent high, of under 100. Somewhere between the two.

So for now I track and then hopefully I’ll stabilize and we can get me on ADHD meds.

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5 Months

Posted April 5, 2019 By kmarrs

I’m officially 5 months out from graduation. But the next 5 months are going to be brutal. I’m going to try my best to keep the queue going with a post dropping every Monday at the usual time. The Thursday post just might not happen for a while though. We’ll see.

Anyway, this is just a quick note to let you know what’s going on. I’m doing my best but I have got to keep on top of school. Work is super busy too. And of course family is a constant at all times.

So while I’m not dropping the blog, I am focusing on the Monday posts for now.

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With Honors

Posted April 1, 2019 By kmarrs

It’s not 100% but unless I really fuck up one of my few remaining classes…

I walk the stage on August 6th and will be wearing top Latin Honors. I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude!

I’ve been practically working myself to death to maintain a nearly perfect GPA. With the exception of a single B, I have straight A’s. I berate myself over that B but apparently, one bad grade doesn’t matter. I’m still considered a top achieving student and I can finally forgive myself for that B and breath.

I feel more confident in my future now. I’m applying to one of the top programs in my field in the country. It’s right down the street and I won’t have to move my family to attend. But I can only imagine how competitive it is to get in! I’ve been so worried that my GPA would hinder me since it’s (currently) a 3.96 which is less than ideal, for my goals. However, if it’s good enough for Summa Cum Laude, then I guess it can be good enough for me.

Now I just have to blow the GRE out of the waters and I might stand a chance at my dream school!

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Strep

Posted March 28, 2019 By kmarrs

Lucas came down with strep throat last week. He woke up Thursday morning with a severely swollen lymph node in his neck so I took him to the ER at about 7 AM. My intent was to go to work after. But when we found out it was strep, and my own throat hurt, as did Sammy’s and Thomas’. So I instead spent the day getting us all tested.

The rest of us were fine. We all just had colds. But Lucas was not fine and was put on Amoxicillin.

5 days later, Tuesday afternoon, he’s suddenly covered head to toe in a rash. The dreaded Amoxicillin rash is no joke. It’s pretty bad. And there isn’t much you can do for it.

We called the pediatrician and they gave us the thumbs up to stop the meds. We’re due to show up in their office in a few hours and they will determine the next step as far as antibiotics go. You can’t really just stop mid treatment. That’s how antibiotic resistant strains happen. So we’ll see.

Poor kid.

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Caffeine

Posted March 25, 2019 By kmarrs

I quit soda in the fall of 2018. The sugar in regular soda was getting to be just too sweet. But the diet soda was giving me migraines. So I went with the healthy decision to just quit all soda cold turkey as soon as it became cool enough outside that I could make up for it with warm tea.

Instead I ended up taking on a major water habit that has me going through about 75 oz of it through the course of the day. I am hydrated, to say the least.

I was also still drinking kickstarts, usually two at a time. See, kickstarts aren’t soda. They are juice based with added caffeine. Caffeine I was using to self-medicate my ADHD. Also, I was drinking them enough that if I went without I went into wicked caffeine withdrawal and, again, migraines.

However, a 2-3$ a day habit when you’re hurting for food money is not a good habit. It wasn’t every day. But it was close enough. So I took advantage of the stomach flu I had and while I was already dying, I detoxed from the kickstarts. This was very early February, so just recently.

That left me with coffee and tea. Which I was fine with in moderation. For the most part I don’t have access to coffee, at 4-5$ each, and only regularly drink tea. (I only like lattes and cappuccinos. No matter how much crap I add to office black coffee, I can’t drink it. So I buy it from the Starbucks next door or at the Kroger and it adds up, even for just a few times a month.)

The thing is, after I gave up the kickstarts, and was only drinking a cup or two of tea a day, my headaches all but disappeared.

Then one fateful Thursday I had access to too large coffees in a short span and suddenly my headaches was back to how it had been.

Which leaves me to believe I have a caffeine sensitivity. And am probably better off quitting coffee too.

I’m still going to drink tea, but tea has yet to make me sick. Even black tea. So I think I’m safe there?

Or it’s possible if I quit black tea too, the mild, simply annoying headaches I still have will clear up completely. I’m not sure.

I know my resting pulse even without recent (6-12hrs) caffeine intake is around 120. Which might be anemia. However, my hemoglobin is currently healthy and my rate is still up.

So I’m curious to see how this all plays out.

I don’t want to give up tea. I really don’t like most herbal teas though. But really, as sick as I am, drinking nothing but water and the occasional juice might be what’s best for me.

But tea is good for my mental health.

So we’ll see how this plays out.

Anyway, it’s in writing. I’ve given up soda, energy drinks (aka kickstarts) and now coffee. And I’m drinking more than the daily recommended water intake.

.

Edit: Since writing this, I have since quit all caffeine including tea. I have fewer headaches and my pulse average is down 10 beats. I’m thinking this decision is for the best.

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