BPD Blog Borderline Personality Disorder

I’ve made a decision. I went back and forward with it for a while. I had an emergency therapy session over it. I asked repeatedly for reassurance from Pat that he’d support me no matter what. Then I decided I had until summer before I really had to make a final decision on the issue at hand so I’d just wait until the right answer came to me.

I don’t normally work Thursdays but I needed the hours so I went in. I was glad I did. My bosses had no work for me but a girl who worked with us until recently stopped by so I got to be social with her. Then when it became obvious that there was not going to be any real work for me to do, it was decided I’d go home at 1. So there long enough to collect a check, but still clocking out 2 hours early.

I’ve blogged about how I’m not overtly religious but I am spiritual. I do believe there is something big out there guiding us and he or she wanted me in that office until 1 on Thursday.

Around noon professor B comes strolling in needing help with his email. No one else was around. It isn’t exactly my job since I’m under the maths department but I didn’t have anything better to do and helpful is helpful. My boos wasn’t going to fault me. So I logged myself off my work station and logged him on so we could straighten out his email problem. While we were at it, a favor for a favor. What favor did I need? Oh, just a little advice.

You see, until the end of last month, professor B was the head of the Applied Psychology program. That’s my program. Who better to help me to define my path than someone who has walked it?

He listened to the short version of it all. He told me that an undergrad in both applied psych and general psych was stupid, his words, not my embellishment. He also said that Applied psychology was enough of a psych foundation that I could very reasonably get my PsyD from there. Doubly so if I’m getting a masters.

So technically I can still follow my end goal dream even if I change-up and don’t get the general psych undergrad.

So that leaves the last concern of money. You only get 57,000 in loan money. It is possible to run out of grants and loans before you finish your first degree (much less your second, which is how this all got started). The advantage of OSU is that it’s the state school so it’s hella cheaper. But I looked up how much of my loan money I’ve used versus how far into my degree I am. I’ve used 30,000 of the 57,000 and I’m about half done with the degree program. So technically I think I’ll be paying out-of-pocket for like my last few classes, but I’ll face that when it comes, and that’s just loans, not necessarily grants. There are also scholarships. If I keep up my GPA (it’s sitting at a 3.923) I will have options. So I need to take a deep breath and figure it out when it comes.

For now I’m just happy I’m staying at Franklin. I’m really happy about that. It just feels so right to me. I know I’ll be facing OSU when it comes to grad school and that’s fine. But right now my mental health is still in an iffy place. I need to do what I can to keep things around me stable. That means Franklin. That also means keeping my job I’m currently at where I’m happy and not overly stressed out.

I’m in a good place as far as work and school go. I’m also building friendships. (More on that to come.) My marriage is in a comfortable place. My kids are happy and healthy. My mental heath will find itself settling into place. I just have to be patient.

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School

Posted August 16, 2016 By kmarrs

So I’ve learned vicariously through another that financial aid and loans will only really pay for one undergrad degree. Not the 2-3 I was hoping for. Which makes sense, I will confess. I was just dreaming big.

The problem is, the current degree I’m working towards… It’s at the school I really want to be at. There is nothing about this school I don’t like. It is exactly what I need as the disabled, working, mom of 3. Evening classes that are only 6 weeks in length so I can take 2-3 in a term and never have to take more than one at a time.
(Ok the odd class is 12 or 15 weeks but that isn’t the norm here.) That is like the perfect set up for my mental health and stability.

However, the degree I’m working towards is not the degree I want the most. The degree I want the most is psychology and I can’t get that at Franklin. I have to go to OSU or a school like it. Mind you, OSU has one of the best programs for psychology in the country so it’s nothing to turn my nose up at, but I’m not sure what level of mental health I can maintain at a traditional school.

So it comes down to following my dreams or letting my mental health get in my way.

I’ve applied at OSU. I have to at least give it a try. I can’t just shrug my shoulders and wave goodbye to my dreams. But oh boy am I scared.

In other news this means I’ll also have to find a new job. To work a work-study you have to be going to the school your working for. I’ll be able to find another work-study at OSU I’m sure. I don’t know that it’ll pay as well as this one does. I don’t know that it’ll be as perfect for me as this one is. But it’ll be an option. I won’t be unemployed for any real length.

So I’m doubly scared. This is two big changes coming up in the summer. Both at the same time. And I hate change. And while this might ultimately be me following my dreams, I’m still… I’m rocking a boat that I’m working really hard to keep afloat to begin with.

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The last one got away from me some. I was distracted by my fish and things. So… Here, this should help.

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Snail Tank

Posted July 26, 2016 By kmarrs

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Schizotypal

Posted July 21, 2016 By kmarrs

I was officially diagnosed schizotypal last week.  As ever I’m still in control of, uh, “them”.  I don’t technically see or hear anything.  I know it’s not real.  It’s also not going into my chart.  That my doctor looking out for me.  There is a hell of a lot of stigma that can of worms causes and for no real purpose.  I’m high functioning in these regards.  It’s not one of the reasons I’m disabled.  If anything it’s always been a coping mechanism.  If I lose control of it, or if it turns into full blow schizophrenia, then it’ll need to go into my charts.  In the meantime I have imaginary friends and a whole fantasy world built up in my head.  My doctor knows about it.  Has known about it.  Every now and then it comes up.  It’s been officially diagnosed, mostly so I could officially call it what I’ve been calling it for years.  It’s like the one thing that’s remained constant.

As for schizophrenia, in women it can present as late as into the 30’s but typically it presents itself by now.  I’m not showing any signs.  So it’s not impossible and it does run in the family, but it’s not a real worry.  I know the difference between real and make believe, even if make believe makes my days a little easier.

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